What is this love?

Consider this quote:

"If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. …Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."  Bob Marley

I am with him until he says "Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." This I just refuse to believe.  I've heard love is blind.  I've heard love is patient.  I've heard love is kind. I've never heard love is suffering. And I refuse to believe that love hurts.  Why should it?

Why have we allowed ourselves to accept love that makes us miserable? Why have we dismissed our own feelings and wants for the happiness of others? Why are we so willing to do so for someone who doesn't seem to care that we are suffering or appreciative of the sacrifice? I mean, is your self worth that low? When you make all these changes, force yourself to be someone you are not, you're basically allowing someone to tell you, who you are is not good enough. And to me that's not love.

To love is to compromise, sure. There are moments in love that can be challenging.  It's definitely not easy. But it's not to sacrifice. It's not supposed to be painful. It's not supposed to be full of fights and tears. I mean read the quote so many of you all love to have in your weddings from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Does it say suffer there? Does it say love is pain? Does it say love hurts? Does it say love is dismissive, insulting, belittling, or isolating? Even in the King Jame's version where the word "suffer" is actually mentioned. It doesn't mean that you actually suffer.  It means that it is long lasting, and tolerant, aka patient.

When you've given up so much of yourself to be with this other person, do they really love who you are, or who you're pretending to be? To be in love with someone you love them.  Who they are, at this very minute. You should never fall in love with the hopes of changing that person into someone you want them to be. And you should never fall in love with the person you wish they could be. You being who you are should make the person you are with, want to elevate themselves. And you should be supportive and encouraging of their efforts - never forceful or ultimative.

When I fall in love again and when someone falls in love with me, I want them to love me for who I am. Flaws and all. I want to be with someone that makes something inside of me want to be better, because I know they deserve the best of me. And I want that person to recognize my efforts and be appreciative and welcoming of them. I don't want to feel judged. I don't want to feel ashamed. I don't want to feel like I am losing my identity, my family, my friends, my way of live to fit into what they want of me. If I have to change everything about me, that doesn't mean they love me. Consider these lyrics:

I'm a host of imperfection 

And you see past all that 

I'm a peasant by some standards 

But in your eyes I'm a queen 

You see potential in all my flaws 

And that's exactly what I mean. 

I don't know why you love me 

And that's why I love you 

You catch me when I fall 

Accept me flaws and all 

And that's why I love you

-Beyoncé: Flaws and All

This to me is love. Not that other stuff you guys are getting in to. If that's too idealistic, to optimistic, to far-fetched, then keep your kind of love. Cause I can be miserable by myself.

How do you learn?

So you'd never really think anyone would have been spurred to discuss something based off a Lil' Wayne song, but the overplay of his track 'How To Love' actually made me think. Specifically the chorus. For those who are unfamiliar it goes:

The Taker...

No one wants complete honesty...

It's just ignorant....

More thoughts on settling...

Cutely Interested vs Creepy Stalker....

Boo vs Leech....

Are you really an 80?....Really?

Love the one you're with....

Not the fairest, but at least fly...

As the years tick by, there are certain compromises that come along when looking for that mate. The mental list of requirements you may have start to be revised, prioritized, cut down. Often I get told that the guy for you may not come in the package you want. I get that. I'm not so shallow that I can't be open to the possibilities of being with someone that may not be my "type". And don't get me wrong, I'm not impressed solely by a pretty face. You have to have some business about yourself and we have to click on more than just the physical level. But lately it seems as if the ones that match my qualifications on the personality, education, insides, are no where close to what I like on the outside.

Let's just be honest. I want to be able to roll over in the morning, look at my man and say to myself that is one sexy man. I would hope that the man I was with would roll over in the morning and say the same thing when looking at me. Does the world has to say it. Nope (it's a bonus but no). But I have to feel some sort of attraction to you in order for our relationship to be more than just friends. I mean...wouldn't that be what separates being a couple from being just friends? So while the qualifications don't have to come in my ideal package, it has to be somewhere in those realms.

Don't roll your eyes and call me shallow. Be honest. The majority of relationships that were built from personality up were those that didn't start out as romantic relationships in the first place. You don't approach a guy or girl at a bar because you can see her personality from across the room. (No, you don't you lying bastard). Looks are what gets you over there, personality is what makes you stay.

I guess this is just a rant based out of my own frustrations but it has helped me realized that one of the priorities on my list is still being sexually attracted to my mate. Will I ever find it? Magic Eight Ball says, "Ask again later". I don't have to find my "dream" guy in terms of looks, but I do need something pretty close. Like my homegirl used to say "If I don't want you, I don't want you".

Sleeping with a broken heart...

When to say when...

Today I was talking to one of my friends about a girl who is in the process of trying to decide if it's time to let go. She's been in a relationship with a man who she has serious history with. They started dating in middle/high school. They went their separate ways, got married to different people, got divorced and reconnected after that. Sound like the beginning of a love story right? Well things have not been going well at all. They fight, they break up, he gets with other people shortly after the break-up, family doesn't like him, and apparently things got physical ended with her and some marks on her face. Long story short, she's trying to decide whether to hold on or let go and she's asking my friend how she did it.

It's hard to tell another person when it's time to let go. Because if you do so prematurely you'll inevitably end up dealing with that person again in some form or fashion. Or you'll never truly get past that relationship and be able to move on in a healthy manner. Everyone's breaking point is different. So how do you really decide when to call it quits?

I think when you are in a relationship that goes bad it's easy to decide when it's over. You've been cheated on one too many times. You're tired of getting abused. You fight all the time. So it's easier to see that things are just not working, you're not happy, it's time to get out. But when things don't necessarily go "wrong" it's harder to decide it's over. When there's nothing you did wrong, nothing he did wrong but you still feel like this isn't working or something isn't right, you start to think this is just a rut. When it gets like that, many make the mistake of thinking marriage is the logical solution, when in fact they probably should have just walked away.

So how do you decide? I think you should ask yourself some key questions that can help make that decision.

1. Am I getting anything out of being with this person?
No matter how mad you are with someone, you should always be able to answer yes to this question. You should be able to say that this person gives you happiness in some kind of way. You like the way your conversations stimulate your mind. You enjoy his company. You like making him happy because that makes you happy and he does the same in turn. Etc. Etc. It doesn't mean financial and it doesn't mean physical. You should feel like you are not simply passing the time away when you are with this person.

If you managed to answer no to question 1, then your next question needs to be...

2. Can I change or can he change?
Is there something he's not providing that you need to answer yes to question 1? Is there something within yourself that needs to be fixed? If anything you feel that you are not getting out of the relationship can be made with a few modifications in how you deal with one another then there is still some hope. So long as both parties are willing to work towards making each other happy. If the change involves "changing" the person, to the point where they are no longer happy or they are no longer the same person, then you need to walk away. You should never stay in a relationship hoping to change a person into what you want.

If you answered no to question 2, then it's over. That means that no matter what that person does, no matter what they change, you still will not be happy. And that can happen. Things change, people change, Sometimes whether a person changes or not still will not make you happy. That doesn't mean that he's bad or that you are bad, you're just not meant for each other.

If that still isn't enough then you should be asking..

3. What is really the problem?
Take a step back and look at why you are questioning your relationship. Why are you even debating on whether or not you should be with this person. You should be able to search and find an answer. If there is no answer, and there is no real problem, then why are you even questioning your relationship?

Notice I didn't include love in there. That's because love is what makes reasonable people stay with abusers. Love is what convinces you, you can change him to be what you want. Love is great but love can cloud your decisions. And when making a decision such as to stay and to leave you don't have to consider love. Why? Because you probably already love them, that's why you are having difficulty making your decision. You can love some one and not be meant to be with them. So when you are deciding, love will be a factor, but don't make that be a decider.

By all means I don't think I have the all the answers. But I can say I have walked away when the decision wasn't easy. In the end I am a lot happier for it. Never regretted the decision not once. Bottom line is, you and only you will know what is right for your relationship. And when it's time to let go, it's time to let go. Don't be afraid.

...woman's need to fix men

I don't honestly know why women feel like they can "fix" a man. Like if you are dating a crack head, magically your love will make him change his fiendish ways to be with you. It really doesn't even have to be that complicated, but nevertheless, some women have this burning desire to rescue a man who is apparently drowning in his own issues.

At times it's easy to look at a man like you'd look at a house. It's got a good framework, good bones, but the foundation is cracking a bit and it needs a lot of cosmetic work. And with the population of women increasing and the population of men decreasing, it really skews the balances of supply and demand. Making it easier to fall into this "Princess Save-A-Bro" lifestyle. I mean why throw a theoretically good man away when all he needs is a little work? You could save him? If you put in the right amount of work he could be right? Right? So he has issues, but doesn't everyone?

When you try to "fix" someone or "rescue" them, you ultimately run the risk of being more needed than wanted. Meaning that you fulfill this void in that person's life you are trying to save. He doesn't love you, but he needs you. And the feelings that are developed are not so much because of who you are, but for what your are, but for what you did for them. And I think that women that have this save 'em mentality are also searching for some of the same thing. They need to be needed. But what happens when his issues are fixed? Will he stay? And what if he's never able to get over those issues?

If both are "needed" in the same sort of ways is that not OK? I guess it depends on what you want out of a relationship. Personally I think relationships build out of need grow into severely dependent relationships. I'd rather be wanted than needed (but that's for another post).

It's not to say that with certain inspiration and support a man can't find the additional strength to overcome his obstacles. I'm not saying that you can't be someone's support system. Nor am I saying that trying to help or rescue someone is a bad thing. I just think that women should never enter into a relationship with the intent to save.

is it worth fighting for...


If you love them, let them go. If you love them, fight for it. A discussion with my council today had me questioning these two ideas which are clearly contradictory to each other. So which is it? Fight or flight?

Some believe that if you truly love someone and let them go. The thought behind that is, if it was truly a love that was meant to be they'd return to you. It's also the ultimate sacrifice, to give up your own happiness for that of the one you love. But, if you let someone go, is that not the same as giving up? If you do in fact let them go with the thought in mind, that you hope they return, you are in a way wishing them unhappiness without you. So are you truly letting go? Are you truly wishing them happiness? No. So how is this the right angle?

The others believe that if you truly love someone, you'll fight for them. Really? To me that kinda falls on a thin line between fighting to make a relationship work and fighting to make someone be with you. If you have to work that hard to keep a relationship together, is it really meant to be? Shouldn't you want to be with that person, and if you want to be with that person and vice versa, what are you fighting for?

I don't think one should have to make someone be with them. But I also don't believe you just give up on relationships when things get rough. So which is it? Fight for it? Let it go? Maybe there is no answer. Maybe we're just destined to do this dance... Mambo with the fighters... Waltz alone....

When did good enough become good enough?

Many women are put to bed as children with great fairy tales of a noble Prince Charming riding in on his white horse to rescue the princess and whisk her away to a life of love and happiness. We are told to wait for the knight in shining armor: the one. While all these fairy tales end up filling many females heads with nonsense of perfection (and I don't really believe in the one), they do teach girls to set standards (no matter how ridiculous they may be). They allow girls to decide what they want in a man and make it OK for them to begin an introspective look into what they would like in a partner. They inspire them to look for what their heart desires and wait on the one that will fulfill them. And while many woman may feel like they have settled for the one they have, they really are just compromising on some ridiculous expectations.

After many discussions with my guy friends, they are not always told similar things. Many speak of one main phrase "If you get a good girl, keep her." What usually constitutes a good girl? Domestic goddess, kind hearted, faithful, trustworthy...etc. You know, the standard. (Kinda describes a dog doesn't it?...) There is not much discussion about whether or not this "good girl" fulfills their other needs. Men are just as complex as women (sort of). They require many areas of support and have needs that are never expressed. I guess I get to her it because I am soooooooo very often "the friend". Sometimes, that "good girl" does nothing to support the other needs of that man. I mean most of the time the discussion about relationships and marriage usually paint a picture of a man being miserable anyway. Succumbing to the whim of their wives/girlfriends ever changing mood. So many choose to stick with the one they have rather than face the possibility of a life alone searching for something better. I mean they're going to be miserable anyway, right?

I can't help but to wonder why. When did settling for good enough become OK? How do you intend to spend a lifetime with a person you can not be open with emotionally, spiritually, sexually, etc? Your partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, should be as close to your best friend as possible. This should be someone you feel completely comfortable around. This is supposed to be the person that at the end of the day, when everyone else is gone, is there for you completely. Someone supportive of your dreams, keeps your fears at bay, allows you to be expressive about anything and everything in every way imaginable without fear of ridicule or rejection. Is that too idealistic? Unreasonable? Fanciful? I don't think so. If you don't feel like you can share the most intimate parts of yourself with that person, what are you really doing?

I'm not saying you have to look for perfection, because in reality that does not exist. However you have to find that one you feel like you can be yourself around, in every way. I think by truly settling, you are doing not only yourself a disservice, but your partner. They deserve to be with someone they have totally; mind, body and soul. I know there are always compromises, however that is not the same as settling. I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't want to be anyone's good enough.