An honest dialogue about love, life, and everything in-between...

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Standing Your Ground

12:30 PM |

Holding on to your standards...

As the years of singleness start to increase each turning hour, a girl can begin to question herself. You start to wonder: Are my standards too high? Unreasonable? Should I give up and take this one that is close enough? What is my limit? What requirements can go, what can be bent, what can I live with or without? Does what I'm looking for actually exist? Many times my mind starts to believe what I want is actually out there, just not in a package or format that I want, that exists in real life or that wants me in return.

At some point these questions start to get really loud and you begin to almost give up. Throw up your hands and say FINE! I GIVE! Obviously I'm being ridiculous. I can't get anything close to what I want so I'll just take what I can get. OR you do the exact opposite and resign yourself to becoming the neighborhood cat lady.

I have never been one to believe you should let go of what's important to you. You may have to reevaluate that list every few years to make sure what was a priority last year is still a priority this year. However, you should never let go of things that are deal breakers for you. And it's hard and frustrating and often times disheartening. But if you don't think you're worthy of getting what you want, what's to make anyone else think you're worthy.

I firmly believe that everything comes to you when you are ready for it. Not before. So what you want may not appear in the time you expect it, but I believe it will appear. I have no other choice to believe that. Because I a) hate cats and b) refuse to settle into an inadequate relationship just to have someone.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

6 Stages of Breakups

1:00 PM |

What?  I see. Why??? I hate you! I'm free! It OK...

Breakups can truly suck. But just like there are stages of grief, there are stages of a breakup that many, if not all, of us go through. And after watching someone literally go through each of these stages almost a day at a time, I thought I'd share the stages with you all so you can recognize where you might be in this cycle and where you'll probably be headed next.

Stage 1: Shock/Disbelief

There are instances in a breakup where one party has no idea that this breakup is coming. When it does come they're left in a state of confusion and disbelief that the person they are with no longer wishes to be with them. Even if the breakup is mutual or has been seen coming, when it's actually finally happening it can still be a bit of a shock. Sort of a --Wow, it's actually over. This part can be like a punch in the stomach. All the air seems to have left your body. Many times it can be numbing and unreal. But typically this stage passes within a reasonable time period. It's not a long lasting Stage.

Stage 2: Reflection

As you start to come out of Stage 1, you start to think about some things and people tend to look back. Review instances where in hindsight they can see that the person they were with wasn't happy. They can see areas where they  could have done better. Situations that they could have handled differently. This is an important stage that many people either spend entirely too much time in (perpetually dwell in the shoulda/coulda/woulda's until they are just sick with regret) or not enough time in. Everyone should spend a little time in this phase because there are many lessons to learn in this phase. You can see not only where you could make improvements, but also what you may have been missing as well. You can asses your needs as well as what you currently have to offer another. It can ultimately help you in your next relationship by pointing out the positives as well as the negatives.

Stage 3: Sadness

You would think that after you've had some time to process what happened you'd be closer to acceptance. You'd be wrong. Many times after looking back you really start to see how bad things were or how much you weren't getting from the other person or you start missing the good times and you just get sad. Sad. Sad. And more sad. All the things the two of you used to do together are now gone and you start to have empty spots and times during your days and weekends. Activities that you used to enjoy now bring you sadness because they're just a constant reminder of your past relationship. You may cry a lot here. It's ok. You have to grieve the end of that time. But don't let yourself slip into a depression here. Be very careful because it can happen.Your support network is going to be key here. They have to let you cry and get it out, but they can't let you just flounder in your sadness. So don't be afraid to lean on your friends and family if you need them.

Stage 4: Anger

After all that crying and all that reflecting and all that shock, you get to a point where you just get angry. You start to think--well if he wanted to go be with other people why did he even bother with making this thing with us serious. Or -- if she was so unhappy why didn't she just say something, how am I supposed to know. And you get angry. Mad that they let things go on so long unchecked because there could have been a way to fix it. You get upset that the other didn't think enough of you or your commitment to think you'd be willing to try and work things out. Mad that they didn't even try to give the relationship a chance to try and improve. This is where the cursing and I hate them come in. It's fine. It's natural. It'll pass. (Unless the breakup is from a true wrong doing - in which case it'll be around for a good bit).

Stage 5: Euphoria

This is the stage where you start to realize all the things you can do now that you're not attached. All the friends you can see again. All the unbothered free time. You can kind of rejoin the world that so many people in couples tend to leave behind. You start to call people you haven't talked to in a while. Hang out after work without worrying about having to check in. Talk to people of the other (or same) sex and not worry that someone is going to misinterpret every hello, handshake and hug. And you start to feel free. Things are just great! There are so many things you can do now. It's a huge sense of just pure relief and happiness that you probably weren't expecting to feel. Now this may or may not be true happiness. So don't let this phase have you fooled. It is quite possible that you can cycle through phases 3 - 5 a bit before stage 6 comes.

Stage 6: Acceptance

Really once you come down from that high of feeling free, you do begin to accept the fact that things have ended. You realize that yes it'll be hard at times probably, but it won't be insurmountable. You can move on and there are things still out there in the world for you. This is the phase where you can probably truly begin a friendship with that ex if you want. Trying to do so before this can just make things weird because there are still so many emotions tumbling around in there. But this is the end of the cycle. You can move on and find ways to truly be happy.

So these are the stages as I see and have experienced them. Knowing where you may be in this cycle could help you move on or prepare for the next stage. Just know that if you are going through a breakup, things will get better. No matter how bad it may feel.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Moment of Simple

Dedicated to my old roomie...

This is dedicated to my old roommate from a long time ago back when we shared a dorm room in school. Instead of an alarm clock, I would set the timer on my stereo and wake up to 1 of two songs. The first was Method Man and Mary J Blige's All I Need. The second was this lovely tune that I probably only used a few times because the longer my stereo 'alarm' went on, the louder it turned up so by the time the beat dropped it was really REALLY loud.


Wednesday, September 25, 2013


It's my Blog-a-versary!

September is a big month for me. My birthday is in September. Parent's anniversary is in September. Got a few friends and family who's birthdays are in September. I need to renew my hosting account before the month ends. And I started my blog in September. It's the Disillusioned Black Girl's Anniversary! Well, technically it was yesterday but alas, close enough! I started this blog back in 2005. It's been 8 years. Can't really believe it.

So to honor this occasion, I'm going to write in a category that I haven't written since December of last year. This blog-a-versary post is.....


Girls in head scarfs...

This lady looks airbrushed and lovely right. Prepping for bed, hair secure and safe from night time damage. Nothing about this image says she's ready to go out in public. I don't care how much make up is added on to her face. She should never leave the house with this on her head. Too many of you think it's OK and no matter how many of us stand up and scream PLEASE STOP! You continue. So let me add my voice to the plea...

STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! I don't care what the reasoning is. I don't care if you're just going to run a quick errand, not getting out of your car, just woke up, hair not looking right. I. DON'T. CARE. You cannot rationalize or justify this behavior to me. I've talked about it once before a long time ago, and was just recently having this conversation again with a group of my students so allow me to repeat myself.

Stop it!

It doesn't matter what the iteration of this offense is. Wether it's the sleep cap with the elastic band that ruffles at the bottom, the satin scarf in all it's various shades and patterns, the mesh wrap with the velcro closure for those ladies that wrap their hair at night, or the rollers - bet not let me catch you in public in rollers - it's not ok.

There are so many other bad hair day solutions. A pony tail. A hat. An actual decorative scarf. Gel to slick the short styles down. A wig. Most Walmarts and grocery stores are 24 hours. If you're hair isn't done or presentable, you have time to get it together. There is no reason to wear your sleep gear out in public. If the task needs to be handled before you can complete your follicle maintenance routine then please see the list of acceptable bad hair day solutions.

There are so many people you have the potential to encounter on every excursion out of your house. Regardless if it's a quick run to the store or a walk out to the mailbox. You just simply never know who may be watching. So why not put your best foot forward. Plus we as Black women have so much mess and stereotypes to overcome, let's not continue to add fuel to the fire.

This should go without saying. Every woman on the planet knows that sleep caps, scarves, rollers, hair wraps in public are just NOT GOOD LOOKS!

For more advice on what you should probably stop doing immediately - take a look more Not A Good Look posts.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

What Guys Can Learn From Romance Novels

1:00 PM |

Part I: How to win a girl's heart...

So lately I've been reading a lot. And one time, unbeknownst to me, after reading several books, I found my self engrossed in none other than a romance novel. Now this is surprising for me because, though I write about relationships, I hate to watch romantic comedies, let alone read about anyone else's "wonderful" romance. (Bitter much? Yea, probably). But anyway... After the first, I read another, then another, then another. And what I've discovered is that they're basically revealing the same concepts about attraction and the art of falling for someone. Quite honestly, the concepts in these books are really guidelines about how to win a girl's heart and at the same time, what you should avoid doing if you don't want to get caught up.

Let's explore the first: How to win a girls heart (What women are attracted to).

1. Appearance:
Let's face it, women are drawn to pretty just like men are. However we have a broader spectrum of what we constitute as attractive. In most of these books the men are described as absolutely stunning. And why wouldn't they be - it's a romance novel - who wants to read about two mudducks getting it in...


Appearance isn't always in the face and body. I even read a book about a guy who had bad burn scars but the woman was still drawn to him. Often it's in the way you present yourself.  How you dress, how you groom yourself. So if you want to catch the eyes of the ladies, keep up a good maintenance routine on yourself. Find your best assets and highlight them.

2. Confidence:
Fellas, I can't stress enough the importance of being a confident man. Not cocky! But secure in who you are, what you do, where you're trying to go in life. And carry yourself in a way that displays that you know these things. That is sexy as hell.

3. Personality:
While appearance and confidence are key, the thing that ultimately draws in the female of choice in these books is personality. There are usually other men in these books with confidence and attractiveness, but they don't get the girl. Why? Because they're assholes. So don't be a jerk.

4. Security and Support:
Most of the books I've read involve some type of crime/rescue situation. But one thing I can say that women want is security. Not necessarily that you'll beat up every bad guy that comes around. We know you all aren't Batman. But what we want to know is that, no matter what happens, you have our backs. With all the chaos, and craziness that goes on in our lives, we just want to know that if we need to lean on you, you won't let us fall. Make us feel safe and you'll get everything.

5. Show your softer side:
Every man has a soft spot for something. Kids? Elderly? Puppies? Whatever it is, show it to the lady you're trying to attract. That embeds that kind and caring image into our minds. Showing your awareness to the needs of others helps women see how you'd be able to show awareness to our needs. Get it? Get it? ----Probably not----

So there you have it. The top 5 things a guy can learn from reading romance novels - Getting the girl. In Part II I will explore the top 5 things a guy can learn about not getting caught up.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Thoughts on the Eve of Another Birthday

11:00 PM |

I can't believe yet another year has past. I don't feel like tomorrow is my birthday. If it wasn't for the date I probably still wouldn't know tomorrow is my born day. But like I do every year, I sit here as the dawn of another birthday approaches, I'm filled with a bunch of mixed emotions as I reflect on the past year. I'm still reeling from probably the most stressful and tumultuous years I've ever had. Extreme financial distress. Unstable job environment. The loss of so many people. Family stresses. Injuries. Insecurities. And I dealt with it alone. In my own head. In private. Sometimes leaving me feeling isolated and lonely. Even when I did take a few visits to church to try and pray about what I was feeling, I just balled. Can't remember the last time I've cried as much as I have over the past year. To sum it up: This past year SUCKED!

But at the same time, I've had some really great moments. I've traveled like I wanted to. Visited places I've never been but always wanted to go. Designed some really nice things. Taken more time for myself. I can say I've made it. In all the crap and mess I've always felt that I could make it. That it would be over soon. That things would get better. That they'd have to get better. There was no choice but to get better. I don't know if that's my sheer stubbornness - a trait that my mother quite often likes to remind me that I have, or the possibly destructive way I deal with stress, or divine intervention or what. But no matter what happens in my life I know that I'm going to make it. I have no choice but to make it through. I guess it's because I've held on to two sayings very closely:

"In the end it will be alright. If it's not alright, it's not the end" and the prayer of serenity "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."

And I get through it. I put my big girl panties on and keep marching. Gotta make it. Instead of trudging through neck deep mud, it's about knee deep right now. Where am I headed? I don't know honestly. Don't know what my next move is. What I want to do. Where I want to go. Who knows. All I know is I'm making moves and hoping my heart guides my feet in the next direction. I'm grateful for the turn around, for family, for friends far and wide I hardly ever talk (but are always on my mind), for my ever challenging students, for my current and former colleagues. I'm grateful for my talents, my opportunities, and my mind. My only goal for this year is to live a life I'm happy to reflect back on this time next year.

Happy Birthday to me.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

R.I.P. Chris "Mac Daddy" Kelly

6:47 PM |

They can't rhyme like this...

When I woke up this morning, I saw a text from my sister telling me of the passing of Chris "Mac Daddy" Kelly.  Even got tagged in a post from an old friend I haven't talked to in years about it on Facebook.  All I could say was: Devastated.

For those who don't know who he was, Chris Kelly was 1/2 of the group Kris Kross from the early 90's.  They were the boys with the pants to the back. The anti-Another Bad Creation.  Two little kids with a flow that was never heard.

Though he was no longer in the limelight, this death struck me. This was differently from all the other stars who 'shined brighter'. I mean, I never thought they'd continue to make music and transition from child stars to adult hip-hop artists (but who's to say that it couldn't have happened). I was under no delusion that the duo would ever make another another album. It struck me because regardless of wether they were liked or respected for what they did, they were an icon of my youth. Their music marked moments in my personal timeline. Reminded me of good times. Made me smile with the memories.

90's music had eras.  Eras where groups and labels just dominated. Bad Boy, No Limit, Def Jam, Missy and Tim - they all had their moments.  And Kris Kross were a major part of the So-So Def era. They had an impact, however distant and far and small it may seem now.

The two never seemed like they transitioned out of the world's eye very well to me.  Seemed like life had been hard on him especially. I dunno.  This one has me feeling some kind of way......It's a shame.

R.I.P 'Kris'.


Q: After kicking dudes to the curb, when do you get to the point of evaluation? Are my standards to him or are these the frogs and my prince around the corner?

I answered part one of this question here. So let's take a look at part 2. I'm assuming the last part of that question should read "Are my standards to high or are these the frogs and my prince is around the corner?" 

Ahhh 'standards'.  As a woman…and as a woman of a certain age…and as a woman of a certain age and of a specific race, I can't even count the number of times I have been asked about my standards. Not only being asked about them, but being told that they are too high and that the should be lowered. And I do mean lowered. There are a lot of self help gurus out there that talk about adjusting and changing, but really a lot of times they do mean lowering. My question immediately is…why? What for? Am I wrong for wanting something more? Am I wrong for having high expectations? Should I just lower myself to be with a man? *Add in all the neck rolls and finger pointing and eye rolling you want…*

Pause. I'm getting defensive.  Let me regroup….

Back to this question.  In order to ask if your standards are too high, you must first ask, are you meeting these standards yourself?  There is no way possible you can expect your man to reach some arbitrary standards you aren't even able to reach. If this is the case, then yes, you need to not only reevaluate the qualities you are looking for, but you need to reevaluate the qualities you offer. 

And as you move through life those standards should change.  What you were looking for at 21 should not be the same things you're looking for at 31 and should not be the same things you're looking for at 41.  We grow up. We change. We make progress. We achieve goals and reach new levels of success. And therefore what we require at every phase of our life changes based on that phase. If what you're looking for hasn't evolved since the 11th grade, you need to update that list.

Next you need to look at what your standards are? Are they shallow and self-serving? Or are they deep and meaningful? Is your list of deal breakers full of superficial things or is it more about character and personality?  If you look at your list of requirements and see that it is full of potentially shallow things, then you need to really think about adjusting that list. It is completely possible that those 'shallow' things are just glimpses into some deeper qualities you are looking for. For example, saying that you want someone 'fine' can just be a signifier that you want someone who has enough respect for himself that he takes care of his appearance, his body, his health. Saying you want someone who is 6'4" could just be the way your mind equates hight and size with protection and security. 

Sure this may seem like reaching. I'm just playing devils advocate here. A lot of your choices are just shallow.

And also ask, are there too many? Are you narrowing the field entirely too much? You don't want your standards list to be 100 items long, that's just insane. Figure out which standards are must haves and which are just bonuses. If you get a guy with the must haves, who cares about the other things. 

So look at those standards. It is possible that they may be too high.  There may be too many requirements. But NEVER get rid of your standards. Honestly, I do believe that if you hold not only yourself, but your partner to a set of standards, the ones who truly want to be with you will match or exceed those expectations. I've always been told, by guys, that they'll be better for the woman they want to be better for. So that to me says that they have no problems reaching high expectations, it just has to be the right person for them too.  

I believe that your prince is out there. When it's time for him to reveal himself he will.  Just make sure all those standards aren't clouding your vision.

Got a question? Thoughts for a new blog post? Ask Me!!! Fill out the form under Ask Me Anything in the side bar and let me know what's on your mind.  I'll be sure to let you know what's on mine :D

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

You Asked, I Answered

Relationship Wrap-Up…

Q: After kicking dudes to the curb, when do you get to the point of evaluation? Are my standards to him or are these the frogs and my prince around the corner?

Let's tackle this question in the two parts it was asked in. First, 'after kicking dudes to the curb, when do you get to the point of evaluation?' (I'll address the second part in another post). I think that after the end of a relationship, emotions can be all over the place; especially depending on the reasons behind the breakup and the intensity and length of the relationship. So you first need to take some time for things to cool off and for your feelings to settle back to a 'normal' space. Then you should always do some type of evaluation or Relationship Wrap-Up. 

It's important to take a look at the relationship from the most objective space you can get yourself to before you start your evaluation. You need to be able to ask tough questions not only about the person you chose to be with, but also of yourself and your role in the problems the relationship faced.  

You need to evaluate every relationship for two reasons. 1) You need to be sure that you don't repeat old mistakes and 2) This will help provide you with some sense of closure. But if you do this Wrap-Up too soon after the break up your perspective will be skewed. You need to give yourself time to come out of it before you can objectively look back. That time can be different for everyone but you should always do this before a new relationship even starts to begin. 

Here are some questions I often ask myself:

1. Was this person good for me?
Outside of the things that made this relationship end, was this a good choice? Did they exhibit the qualities I know I'm looking for in a partner? Did they make me want to be a better person? Did they encourage me? Did they support my dreams? Were they caring? What attracted me to this person? etc.  Think of all the qualities you desire in a partner. And really focus in and think if this person was what you should have spent time on in the first place. You'll probably have some yes and no answers in this question. But the hope is to have more yays than nays. If the answers to your vital questions are favorable, then at least you can take away that you are at least able to attract the type of person you are 'looking' for. If the answers to those questions end up being no then you should ask yourself if those no's are deal breakers.

2. Am I displaying the qualities I am asking my partner to have?
This one is important for several reasons. You can't expect to get what you don't put out. If you're not hardworking and motivated, you can't expect someone who is focused and driven to be yours. If you're not spiritual, the person you attract may not be spiritual either. It's not to say that opposites don't attract. There are many occasions where we look for someone that exhibits the qualities we don't yet have, but desire to attain.  Or better yet, we look for someone that has the qualities that balance out our own.  Yin and Yang if you will. And there are several relationships that work that way. (As I'm writing this I'm realizing I'll have to go into detail on this in another post…but anyway). While there are many cases and situations where opposites attract, I am a firm believer in what you put out, you get back. So really look at yourself and be prepared to answer honestly. It's very hard to hold someone to standards you can't meet yourself.

3. What did I do to contribute to the end of the relationship?
There are quite a few occasions when the end of a relationship is not solely one person's fault. But regardless, relationships are two way streets. So even if the other person cheated on you or was terrible, you have to evaluate your role in all of this. What did you allow yourself to 'take' for the sake of being with that person? What did you 'allow' that was not acceptable? What did you or didn't you do to make the relationship better? Were you attentive to your partner's needs? Were you supportive? Were you trusting? Were you TOO trusting too soon? Were you moving too fast? Did you ignore some major red flags? etc. If you honestly answer these questions and you truly did nothing wrong, go back to question 1 and realize you're probably choosing the wrong type of person to spend your time with. And you really have to take a closer look at what attracted you to that person. If you found some flaws in your role as well, then good. You are now aware of some of the things you do that can hurt a relationship and in the future you can try not to repeat old bad habits.

4. What are my deal breakers now?
I'm sure by now we all know what deal breakers are in a relationship. Those are the qualities you just can't compromise on. Sometimes you don't know what a deal breaker for you is until you've been with somebody that exhibits the quality you don't (or do) care for. For me, after one of my relationships, I realized that education ended up being a deal breaker for me. I need to be with someone who has some type of higher level formal education. I didn't know it until I was with someone that didn't have any real type of higher level formal education. So after each relationship, look to see if there are any new deal breakers that came up. Do these trump your former deal breakers? Are your previous deal breakers still deal breakers?  

5. How can I avoid making the same mistakes in the future?
After all is looked at, you should have some answers to this last question. You've evaluated your ex-boo, you've evaluated yourself, you've evaluated the relationship and you should be able to come away with some good things and some bad things. You should have learned some lessons. Now you are aware of your behaviors, decision patterns and can try and use what you've learned in the next relationship. 

At the end of the Relationship Wrap-Up, there is one final thing that you should hope to be able to achieve: Closure. You should never attempt to enter into any new relationship with old open wounds. When you evaluate your old relationship, you should be able to find some peace within that ending and be ready to open yourself up to the new person who will enter your life.

After looking at these questions you should understand now why it's important to let the emotions from the last relationship cool off a bit before diving in. If you do this too soon, you won't find honest answers. And like I said, the timing of all of this truly depends on you and how long it takes to come back to a place of feeling 'normal' after a relationship has ended. So don't rush that process. Really allow yourself the time it takes to heal so to speak, before you move on. Otherwise instead of taking lessons learned into your next relationship, you'll just be carrying baggage.

Got a question? Thoughts for a new blog post? Ask Me!!! Fill out the form under Ask Me Anything in the side bar and let me know what's on your mind.  I'll be sure to let you know what's on mine :D

Monday, April 15, 2013

To Love Is To Suffer?

11:30 AM |

What is this love?

Consider this quote:

"If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. …Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."  Bob Marley

I am with him until he says "Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." This I just refuse to believe.  I've heard love is blind.  I've heard love is patient.  I've heard love is kind. I've never heard love is suffering. And I refuse to believe that love hurts.  Why should it?

Why have we allowed ourselves to accept love that makes us miserable? Why have we dismissed our own feelings and wants for the happiness of others? Why are we so willing to do so for someone who doesn't seem to care that we are suffering or appreciative of the sacrifice? I mean, is your self worth that low? When you make all these changes, force yourself to be someone you are not, you're basically allowing someone to tell you, who you are is not good enough. And to me that's not love.

To love is to compromise, sure. There are moments in love that can be challenging.  It's definitely not easy. But it's not to sacrifice. It's not supposed to be painful. It's not supposed to be full of fights and tears. I mean read the quote so many of you all love to have in your weddings from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Does it say suffer there? Does it say love is pain? Does it say love hurts? Does it say love is dismissive, insulting, belittling, or isolating? Even in the King Jame's version where the word "suffer" is actually mentioned. It doesn't mean that you actually suffer.  It means that it is long lasting, and tolerant, aka patient.

When you've given up so much of yourself to be with this other person, do they really love who you are, or who you're pretending to be? To be in love with someone you love them.  Who they are, at this very minute. You should never fall in love with the hopes of changing that person into someone you want them to be. And you should never fall in love with the person you wish they could be. You being who you are should make the person you are with, want to elevate themselves. And you should be supportive and encouraging of their efforts - never forceful or ultimative.

When I fall in love again and when someone falls in love with me, I want them to love me for who I am. Flaws and all. I want to be with someone that makes something inside of me want to be better, because I know they deserve the best of me. And I want that person to recognize my efforts and be appreciative and welcoming of them. I don't want to feel judged. I don't want to feel ashamed. I don't want to feel like I am losing my identity, my family, my friends, my way of live to fit into what they want of me. If I have to change everything about me, that doesn't mean they love me. Consider these lyrics:

I'm a host of imperfection 
And you see past all that 
I'm a peasant by some standards 
But in your eyes I'm a queen 
You see potential in all my flaws 
And that's exactly what I mean. 
I don't know why you love me 
And that's why I love you 
You catch me when I fall 
Accept me flaws and all 
And that's why I love you
-Beyoncé: Flaws and All

This to me is love. Not that other stuff you guys are getting in to. If that's too idealistic, to optimistic, to far-fetched, then keep your kind of love. Cause I can be miserable by myself.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Red Flags

7:30 AM |

Your girl's a bitch...

For ladies, they always say, look at how a man treats other people and you'll see his true nature. So depending on how rude he is to strangers, family, etc shows you his true nature beyond the dating mask he wears. Well today I'm passing along that advice to men.  Surely you all don't want to forever associate yourself with someone who is a terrible person. So it is time for you all to start looking at your girl's actions and see her true nature as well.

Is your girl a witch with a capital 'B'?

Women are a bit trickier to decipher.  Most women know that if we reveal too much of that demon dog side, we'll forever be branded with that name.  So those women who are truly 'female dogs' will do their best to cover it up. So instead it's revealed in smaller ways. We move in silence, subtleties, secrets, and innuendos. Our intentions and true feelings are shown in a quick flutter of the lashes, roll of the eye, side smiles, hugs, hand gestures, how she holds her head and laughs. So this is where you have to use your power of observation.  Because if you blink, you'll miss it.

So pay attention. Is she ALWAYS talking bad about strangers, friends, family over superficial things? Does she talk down to service workers? Never happy with any generous gesture, no matter how it comes (asked or donated)? Do her seemingly sincere words never match her facial expressions? Has she found ways to justify actions that you know just aren't right? Is she always following up a quick rude quip with the 'I'm just playing, you know I love you'? Learn your girl.  We all have a tell when we're being, I'll say - less than sincere. You just have to figure out what that is.  Then you have to decipher if she's just having a bad day, if she's just stuck up and conceited, lacks an overall moral compass or if she's truly a bitch.

So I'm sure somewhere the response is: why does this matter?  Really, right? Who cares?  Well you should. Because at some point, the more you become a bigger part of her life, the more her attention and bitchiness will be directed at you. I mean you can't very well assume that she won't treat you like trash when she treats EVERYONE like trash right? It's only a matter of time. Plus if you have witnessed her being super nice to this girl you know she absolutely hates, don't you think it's possible she's done something similar to you?

Of course not right? Cause she 'loves' you.....*rolls eyes, and smirks*

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

You Asked, I Answered

7:30 AM |

Asking someone out…

Q: 1)How many hints does a Stud (girl) or a man need to drop before asking a woman on a date? 2) how do you know the right time to ask someone on a date?

How many hints does a girl or man need to drop before asking a woman out on a date?  I don't know really. I'm not a big hint girl. I'll be honest. I'm slow. You just have to tell me you want to go out with me. I pass off hints as just playing, or harmless flirting.  If you want me to take you seriously, you really just have to come out and ask. And I can imagine there are a lot of other women out there like this too.

The thing with hints are, they leave too much up to the assumption of the other person. That person could be like me, who just doesn't take those hints as anything real or serious.  Or that person could be the opposite extreme and think any nice gesture could be a sign that the other wants something more. I think leaving too much up to innuendos just leaves too much room for error.  So if you want to take someone on a date, then just ask them.

But there is a part 2.  How do you know the right time to ask someone on a date?  This one is hard too. Is there ever a right time? Of course if the girl is crying on your shoulder immediately after breaking-up with the last one is the absolute WRONG time. Sometimes people always have something going on. There may never truly be a 'right' time. 

Instead of looking at the right time, I think what you have to do is make sure that a) if you ask that person out,  you have to be prepared if they say no - and yes - and what all of that could mean and b) if you're prepared to change the dynamics of what the relationship originally was. If you are thinking of asking out a friend, then I just say go with caution. The answers to the question could change the state of that friendship forever. Regardless of the answer. That to me I think is more important than the timing.

I don't think there will ever be any hints that will work, or any right time. If you want to date someone, then just ask them. It can be a bit scary and a bit unnerving, but you'll never know until you ask. Just try to have a game plan for whatever answer you receive.

Got a question? Thoughts for a new blog post? Ask Me!!! Fill out the form under Ask Me Anything in the side bar and let me know what's on your mind.  I'll be sure to let you know what's on mine :D

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

On My Soapbox

My rants and thoughts at 1am...

This is my call to consciousness and responsibility.  YOU are NOT the victim of your circumstances. YOU are only a victim of your decisions. Your lot in life does NOT determine who you will be or where you will go. Your reaction to that lot will determine who you are and where you go. Your ability to make a choice cannot and will not ever be taken away from you. Your body may be restricted, but your mind will only be inhibited if you allow it. Even when people have no rights, no voice, no apparent hope, few or many decided that it was not acceptable...and they fought to change it. Others decided not to. In jail, where it seems that all your liberties and freedoms have been taken away from you, you have choices to make. You can get with the program and make your time productive for you or you can buck the system and spend your time fighting.  Even in death you have a decision to die screaming, crying, or at peace. Even if you are fortunate enough to pass in your sleep, you decide how you spend those last waking moments before your eyes close for the night. You decide.

EVERYONE, from the have's to the have not's, have things that come across their paths that could impede their progress, erode their spirit or assault their heart. The difference between those that make it and those that do not are the ones who decided not to let those 'things' have more of a say in their lives than their own mind.

So your father wasn't there, your mother was an addict, you were assaulted, you got shot, you lost some one dear to you...the list can go on and on. Life's hard. Some of you have truly gotten a raw deal and my heart just goes out to you.  BUT!  I'm so tired of hearing people say I couldn't because...I didn't because...I would have but...I was going to but... I understand. It hurts. It affects you deeply. Nothing I'm writing about is to try and belittle your experiences and your past. But what are you going to do now?

Some will say that it's not that simple.  I have to disagree. Either you like what you do, who you are and where you're going or you don't.  If you don't, you need to examine your life and figure out what needs to be changed and change it. If there are things you can't change or don't know how to change or fix on your own there are people, places, and things in place that have helped others make a change and can do the same for you.

There may be one way that it can't be done, but there are a million ways it can be done.  Pick one.

Now if you think I'm being insensitive to the horrors people experience on a daily basis or I'm unaware of how circumstances can affect the human psyche and spirit I can try and assure you that I'm not.  But then again, you think what you think..

I guess I'm just tired of people playing their own violins all the time.  Singing the same sad sob story. If you're not going to do anything about it, please SHUT UP.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Ask Me Anything

Well my people, things have been a little slow lately.  I've been lacking a bit of inspiration.  Can't quite come up with things to talk about.  So many of my good sources have vanished.  Sure I've gotten a few tips, and suggestions and I've got them in my list to ponder about.  But in general, nothing's quite hit me.

So I've been racking my brain lately, trying to think of some things I need to talk about.  And I decided to bring back something I had a long time ago....Ask a Black Girl!

This is your opportunity to ask me ANYTHING.  I mean anything.  You can suggest topics I need to address.  Questions about men...questions about women...questions about dating and relationships. Whatever your hearts desire.  I'll give you my honest, unfiltered opinion like I've always done.  And if you're shy, you can ask me anonymously...I won't name names.  You can use this box (if you have formspring) below or just comment on this post.

So leave me a question.....what you wanna know???

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Red Flags

7:30 AM |

A change probably won't come...

Fellas, we all know that you are willing to put up with more ugly insides if a girl has pretty outsides. It is just what it is.  However, there are a lot of you that allow those pretty outsides to override all of your common sense and lead you into making terrible decisions that affect you (and eventually every girl you'll date after her) in the long run. I'm starting to see it more and more and I'm just so tired of watching good guys get ruined.  It's time to stop ignoring the obvious and get real. So I decided to start topic just for you. The first red flag I want to address....

If she annoys you now, she'll piss you off later

For some reason, you guys think that as a relationship progresses (through serious relationships or marriage) that the things that she did/does that causes friction or that you don't like while you're dating will some how magically disappear when you make a serious commitment to her. Like some how that ring or whatever will make your relationship suck less. Like it'll magically erase all the problems you had while you're dating. More times than not, those small things and annoyances become huge problems down the line.

You know how there's that saying that men will change for the person that they're willing to change for. Well women will change only if and when they feel like it. ONLY. If she doesn't feel like she's in the wrong, she won't change.  If she doesn't feel that her actions are detrimental to the development of the relationship, she won't change. If she doesn't feel that your feelings are important enough to her to change her ways (in a normal relationship give-and-take scenario), she won't change. If she doesn't feel like she contributes to the problems in the relationship, she won't change. And there's probably not a whole lot you can do about that.

Before you give your heart to a girl who may not be worthy of carrying it, really take some time to look at the things she does that bother you now. Look at the things she's not offering you now (emotionally, spiritually, physically). Look at what she values, how she treats other people, how she treats you. Look at her ambitions, her drive, her goals and ask yourself if this is something you can tolerate in the long run - no really think now----NO really think! If you decide to proceed with her, you're deciding to live with those things. Period. If you're not happy now, with things being the way they are, how do you expect to be happy later? Can you live with that? Should you have to live with that?

Dating for a change doesn't typically work. So the same relationship advice they give to women, I'll give to you: Never enter a relationship with the intent to change a person or believing (or hoping) things will get better. You have to take her as she is, just as she'll have to take you as you are.