An honest dialogue about love, life, and everything in-between...

Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy New Year

11:47 PM |

Well guys. It's almost 2013. Another year down. Hopefully you spent your day doing things you enjoyed because they say how you spend New Years Eve day is what you spend the entire year doing. And I believe it. Last year I spend the day writing and making jewelry and that's what I've been doing all year.

Next year, I don't have any resolutions. I only have goals. Things I want to be sure to do in 2013. So hopefully I'll accomplish some things instead of just making empty promises to myself.

So people. 2013 is upon us. I hope you all have a great new year. Accomplish everything you want. Put in the work and I'm sure you'll get it.

For me. 2012 sucked a big one. I mean the biggest, fattest one. So I'm glad to see it go. Will it be better next year? Only time will tell.


Monday, December 24, 2012

Fa-La-La-La Meh

10:17 PM |

Typically during Christmas Eve, I will butcher the holiday hits and write my own version of a classic.  However this year....I'm not quite feeling it.  Maybe it's because its been so warm here. Not really sure, but the Christmas spirit hasn't really hit me this year. Hopefully I'll feel different in the morning.  While I don't feel the spirit to remix a holiday song this year, I do have the words to a song that I think is very apropos for this year:

Someday at Christmas men won't be boys 
Playing with bombs like kids play with toys 
One warm December our hearts will see 
A world where men are free 

 Someday at Christmas there'll be no wars 
When we have learned what Christmas is for 
When we have found what life's really worth 
There'll be peace on earth 

 Someday all our dreams will come to be 
Someday in a world where men are free 
Maybe not in time for you and me 
But someday at Christmastime 

 Someday at Christmas we'll see a land 
With no hungry children, no empty hand 
One happy morning people will share 
Our world where people care 

 Someday at Christmas there'll be no tears 
All men are equal and no men have fears 
One shining moment, one prayer away 
From our world today 

 Someday all our dreams will come to be 
Someday in a world where men are free 
Maybe not in time for you and me 
But someday at Christmastime 

 Someday at Christmas man will not fail 
Hate will be gone and love will prevail 
Someday a new world that we can start 
With hope in every heart 

 Someday all our dreams will come to be 
Someday in a world where men are free 
Maybe not in time for you and me 
But someday at Christmastime 
Someday at Christmastime

Well said Mr. Wonder.  Well said.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Festivus, Happy Hanukkah,  Happy Any and Everything you celebrate.  See you as we approach 2013.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Having A Plan B

7:30 AM |

You can still succeed...

This is a bit of a side bar for a second, but I feel the need to somehow come to the aid of the concept of having a Plan B in life.  People seem to attack this idea as if it means you'll fail at Plan A.  And that taking your eyes off Plan A will most certainly ensure that you will never succeed at Plan A.

People, Plan A is just a route - it's not the goal.  Think about it this way:  You're going home for the holidays.  Home is your goal for the trip.  Plan A may include driving.  But maybe there's traffic on the main highways that are causing major delays.  What do you do? Give up?  Say you failed?  Stay on this main street and take what could be additional HOURS on your travel time? Or do you look in your navigation system and find an alternate route?  It could be a bit more inconvienet, it could have a few more turns and stops, but ultimately, you'll make it.  This is the concept you should have when considering your Plan B. The goal didn't change, but the way you got there did.

And this concept does work with everything.  For some people the ultimate goal with dating is to eventually find someone you can spend the rest of your life with.  Plan A may be to meet someone in school.  Plan B may be to meet someone at work.  Plan C may be to have your friends introduce you to someone.  Plan D may be to have your family introduce you.  Plan E may be online dating.  I could go on for days, but the point is, if you want to be married, there are several tracks you can take in dating and how to date, to get you there. Same thing with your career goals.  Want to be a CEO, self employed, whatever it is.  There are several ways to get there.

I write this to mostly because people get so focused on the route and forget that ultimately they're trying to reach a goal.  The plan is just that - a plan. It can change, it can grow and it can even fail.  This is life.  Very few things go the way we plan.  But that doesn't mean you can't reach your goal. You just have to be flexible enough to take the opportunities that are presented to you that will help you get there.  Not just focus on your initial idea or plan. Because if you reach your goal, why does it matter how you've gotten there?  Wether it was your first plan or your 30th.  You made it right?

Monday, December 17, 2012

Moment of Simple

WHAT!!! WHAT!!!!

Friday, December 14, 2012

Not A Good Look

7:30 AM |

Put some damn shoes on....

I know it's been a moment since I've posted a Not A Good Look post, but after driving home today and seeing what I saw, I felt it was time for another installment. What I saw was a young 'man'? maybe? walking his/her dog down my neighborhood street in a black beater and shorts and NO shoes. Now, it's not the time, place or weather for either of those items individually.  Seeing it all together almost made me roll down my window and ask what the hell was going on. It's all wet and winter outside and what not. I know it's like 54 degrees but it's December yo!

Ok my melanin reduced brothers and sisters, we need to have a meeting.  Why are you all obsessed with walking around public places with no shoes on??? Your girl Brittany was in public bathrooms with no shoes. You guys are all in the parking lots, stores and gas stations sometimes, just prancing around like it's just the thing to do. I mean come on! I know it's the south but COME ON!

I mean sure I'll take off my shoes at work from time to time when my shoes get the best of me.  I may even go into my drive way or if I had a yard, my yard with no shoes on.  But you will not see me strolling down a public thoroughfare in my naked footies!

There are germs out there!! You don't know what's on that street!!  All kinds of dirt, grime, ashes, vomit and animal piddle residue your just strolling on, on your porous skin. Then you track all that ish into your house.  Some of you don't even wash your feet after so that gets all on your carpets, sofa....IN YOUR BED! Oh my goodness you germy, germy people!!! *Professor Locs freak out - spray - spray everything!!! Red Alert! Red Alert!*

This is beyond Not A Good Look.  Just STOP IT! STOP IT! You ground zero resus monkeys....gonna infect us all!!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The Power Move

Why she does what she does...

Going through the positions in a relationship hierarchy, there are so many that just aren't favorable.  And let's be honest, most women that you're dealing with, fellas, want to be the only one, the main chic, the girlfriend, the wifey, and sometimes ultimately the wife.  No woman truly wants to be a member of the harem, the jump-off, or the other woman forever.  Some don't even want to be just the friend either.  So in order to advance in the system, they'll do what I call the power move.

The power move will be some gesture or gestures that are not congruent with their current position.  They'll start to go a little bit farther, show you a little more attention, give you a few more things, treat you better and better each time you see them.  They'll be more understanding than usual, more courteous of your time and feelings. They'll do things for you that will be surprising considering how you've treated her. It'll be those things that will make you stop and say "Wow, that was nice of her"  or "That's odd, why would she do that when she knows I don't see her like that" or my favorite "I never gave her any idea that this was anything more than it was.  Why would she do that?"  

You may think that it's odd or strange for her to all of a sudden start giving you stuff or doing stuff for you.  But what she's really trying to do is separate herself from the harem.  She wants to show you what a relationship could be like if you were to spend more time with her.  Give you reasons why she's the best pick out of your starting line up.  So when you do actually start to think about settling down and deciding which situation you'd like to take a crack at, she has more things tipping the scale in her favor.

After a few weeks or months (or sometimes even years) of this extra attention, if you don't start giving the extra attention back to her, in whatever manner she's expecting, she'll realize it's not working.  She may even realize that there could potentially be another girl in your harem doing more.  So she steps up her game.  Does even more. Sometimes taking the attention to a point where she almost begins to look foolish. And if all her extra efforts still yield no return, that's when you'll see the flip out.  

When she flips out it's pretty much over. She'll truly start 'tripping'. Crying, making ultimatums, carrying on about all the things she does for you and how you just don't care.  Totally melting down into a complete mess.  Meanwhile you're sitting there with that dumb look on your face.  Confused as hell as to where all of this is coming from. Once it hits this point, if you have game and you want to keep her around, you'll probably be able to wheel her back in. She's already invested too much time and effort into you to leave now. Do that slick talk you do, calm her down and things will go back to normal (for a while).  If you don't have any game.  It's a wrap.  She's gone.  Nothing you can do about it. If you don't want her around, great, you've managed to make her give you an out.  You now no longer have to figure out how to break it off.

Don't get it twisted guys.  It may seem strange and unprovoked, but that bird in your flock knows exactly what's she's doing. 

Monday, December 10, 2012

Moment of Simple


Friday, December 7, 2012

Why Guys Aren't Finding the Good Girls

10:28 AM |

It's probably your fault...

I can't tell you how many guys I've met that tell me they just can't seem to find a nice/good girl.  My response is usually, CHIL PLEASE (in my best Chad Ochocinco voice).  I'm going to be totally honest.  If you haven't been able to find a good girl, the problem is YOU. No honestly.  Based on shear population numbers, you guys, fellas, men, have a higher probability of encountering good girls than girls have of encountering good guys.  So if you haven't been able to find one, it's probably because:

I'm just going to go out there an say, many of what you guys like visually is just a pretty casing holding together a whole bunch of mess.  You know those stereotypical pretty girls. The chics that look like the video girls. The wanna-be model type chics. The girls who look like the girls in the magazines.  That's what you like.  And you can say no all you want, but I can promise you that if a magazine type chic and a natural beauty type chic (meaning your every day pretty girl) walk into a room 95% of the men in there are looking to go after that model type, cosmetically enhanced, chic. I've seen it, over and over again.

The reason why many of these girls are not your good girl is because of the fact that they are pretty.  They know they're pretty and society has been giving them things and excusing their bad behavior all their lives because they're pretty.  Think about it.  Cute kids get a pass on being jerks or annoying because they're cute.  They grow into cute pre-teens who can get out of trouble because they don't look like the type to be involved in bad things.  They grow up into cute teenagers who can turn heads and get the boys to do their homework because they're cute.  They grow up into cute women who can get free drinks and nice dinners and other things because they're cute.  And because they've been able and allowed to get by on just their looks alone, they don't' have to develop any kind of personality to get the things they want out of life.  

These shiny chics often come with a mass of insecurities, and high maintenance costs.  And if you cannot provide her with what she wants, when she wants, how she wants, she knows that because she's shiny, there are plenty of other guys out there willing to give her what she wants.  Meaning that she doesn't have to even attempt to try and work things out, or be kind to you if she doesn't want to.  You won't give her what she wants, fine, Jo-Jo around the block will.  And she'll go get him.

This doesn't mean that good girls are all mud-ducks nor does it mean that your model type chic can't also be a good girl.  All I'm saying is that many times your visual 'type' may be the reason why you can't find a good girl. Take a closer look at the girls around you.  Your 'friends'.  The girls who have always been there for you.  The girl that you may not normally initially holler at.  I bet if you give her a second look you'll see that she may be the one you're actually looking for.

This is in part the good girl's issue.  Many times, the good girl isn't down for the game play.  She doesn't have time for all the flirting, back and forth, who calls when and how soon, game play.  She's too busy, got too many things to do than to sit around playing. She can often be too certain of what she wants that's she's too direct and up front.  For some guys this can be a major turn off.  

Ladies, sometimes our directness is just too much.  It comes off too masculine, too dominating, too rough.  Men need to feel like a man.  And if you're the one doing all the advances, making all the decisions, stepping into that traditional man role, you often won't get that man. That's not to say you can't be forthcoming with what you want.  Nor does it mean that you have to be a damsel in distress or weak. You just don't have to hit them with it all up front. 

That doesn't mean you should be easy either. Sometimes guys like a bit of a hunt or challenge.  They want to feel like they've won something when they get a girl.  No man wants a girl that's just easy.  And those truly easy girls get used for what easy girls are used for.  Sometimes, the chase is the fun part.  That's where all the courting happens.  So we just have to learn to flirt a little more.  Charge it to the game *Kanye shrug*

But fellas, don't discount this girl.  She may seem like she's just eager to please or too stand-offish but deep down inside she's a keeper.  With her you'll find no confusing arguments, no hidden innuendoes.  She can be a bit more rational, willing to talk things out versus throwing objects at your head.  In general, because she's up front and open, there's no drama.  So think about giving her a chance.

This is simple. A lot of times the reason why you don't have or can't get a good girl, is because you're not willing to do the work to get or keep her.  (That'll be the guy that didn't even make it to this point in the article). Many good girls will be respectful of their minds and their bodies.  They won't just let any man run all up and through her.  You have to prove that you are worthy of her sharing herself with you. When she does, it'll be quite possibly the most amazing experience of your life. But most of you don't want to do all of that.  Period.

Sometimes, if you avoid all of the usual trappings of what gets men caught up with the wrong women and you still haven't been able to find a good girl, the problem could be you.  So it may be time for some inner reflection.  Some alone time.  Some time for self-discovery and exploration.  You have to look deep within yourself and find out what it is about you, what you keep putting out there, that attracts all the busted babies. By evaluating what you do, what you offer, what you put out, you may just find the reason why you can't find a good girl.

I'm just saying…

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Thug Love

8:00 AM |

What women see in the bad boy….

Let me just say that I love a nice guy.  I think you guys get a bad rap and get overlooked just as much as the nice girl does.  (Sometimes you nice guys overlook the nice girl too).  But there are a few qualities that the bad boys have that many women are attracted to and that most 'nice guys' just don't have or display I should say.  

No woman wants a bitch. What I mean by that is, no woman wants a man that will just bend to her every whim with no fight, no resistance, no debate.  Women like a man that has a backbone.  That has his own ideas, goals, interests and is strong enough and open enough to share them with her.  Women like a man who has his own principles and who can stand up for them when the time calls for it.  Sometimes women need to be told when they are going too far.  I don't care what she says.  

If I wanted something to obey my every command, I'd get a dog.  

There is something very sexy about a man who can stand on his own two feet, command attention in a crowded room, and is secure enough in who he is to let you know who he is. I think what many 'nice guys' do is let the woman take the lead.  They don't want to appear as dominating, disrespectful of her ideas, or inattentive to her her needs so they often just, I hate to say it this way, bow down.  That's something that your 'bad boy'/jerk won't do. Nice guys often ignore what they want and need, or don't truly know how to ask for it in an effort to make sure they're giving their woman everything she needs. This often can make nice guys appear passive instead of respectful and caring like they intended to portray themselves. 

Some women like a more thug guy because he displays the potential for two things: protection and providing.  Many thugs have this hustler mentality.  Meaning that if he needs it, wants it, doesn't have it, he's going to go get it.  And there's not a whole lot that can be done to stop him from getting it.  While it may be in a non-legal, messed up sort of way, what a woman is attracted to is that 'go-get it' spirit.  In other words, drive.  

Many of you nice guys have that drive, but because of what I mentioned before, that apparent lack of backbone or passiveness, you don't really show it.  You don't want to appear boastful, or conceded.  Many of you, because you are successful or are on your way to being successful, can come off as a bit complacent.  Too calm, too patient, too wait and see. Mostly because you're secure in your skills and talent and truly know, not believe, you'll get there. But women don't only want to hear how you're trying to move up, or how you plan to be a provider, they also want to be able to see your progress.  Because of this you are going to have to find ways to prove to her that you can be that provider and that you do have that go-get it mentality.  How you do that is up to you.  But you can't just be all talk.  

The thug also comes off as a guy who will not take any mess.  He will not be disrespected and will not let anyone that runs with him be disrespected either.  That often can make a woman feel like she will be protected.  Women need to know that if things get rough, stuff pops off, you as the man will be there to protect her from harm.  And because many of you nice guys don't often come off that way (because of that whole initial issue - see how it all circles back to that) you get left behind.  

Now I'm not saying that you jump up to every man that starts something or go looking for fights.  Protection isn't always that.  Sometimes it can be as simple as fixing something that she needs fixed yourself.  Moving her to the inside of the sidewalk and you walk by the street.  Letting her precede you as you walk up the stairs with your hand lightly on the small of her back, showing her that you'll be there to catch her if she wobbles or falls. Holding her hand as you guide her through a crowd. Not letting your friends get too disrespectful or rowdy around her if you see she's uncomfortable.  Taking her side in a debate, supporting her point (if you agree with it), in a group discussion. There are small gestures and ways you can show her that you've got her back.  

As a nice guy you have to find a way to show her that you are respectful, considerate, and concerned about her needs while remembering to still showcase all of the qualities that make you a MAN. Once you're able to really walk that balance, then the nice guy will no longer finish last.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Thank You Single Black

7:30 AM |

For the mention among the best...

So every now and then I go through the stats on my blog dashboard just to see what my traffic looks like from time to time. I like to see what you guys are reading and what topics seem to perk your interest.  And I also like to see what my referring sites are - basically how you guys are finding me. I noticed I had a new stream of people coming from the website

Now if you're not quite familiar with this site, I say tisk tisk. I've been reading this blog for a few years (I mean how can I not considering what I write about).  It's a great site with really insightful articles about relationships through the eyes of black men. (Intelligent too--none of that random ignorant mess you can often find floating across the top of the blog ponds).  This blog has won awards that lead them to land them a spot on Ebony Magazine’s 2011 Power 100 list, and a feature on Black Enterprise as a part of their 2012 Black Bloggers Month celebration. Some of the writers have even made appearances on the Michael Baisden and Tom Joyner radio shows. *snap*snap*

That being said, I followed the link back to see exactly how and why people are getting to me from and I found that they have included me in their list of The Best Black Blogs and Websites to Read in 2013!  How great is that! I'm totally excited. And quite surprised (mostly because--you know---the whole disillusioned thing). I read it like 3 times, keep going back like - am I sure I read what I just read? Yea I did! Okay...okay....okaaaayyyyy!!!!

And yes, you should be reading me in 2013.  New year.  New work schedule.  Much more time on my hands and more of your issues to address in only the way I can - bluntly: no salt, no lime, straight tequila burn.

So thank you authors of Single Black Male for the nod and stamp of approval. It is really appreciated. And welcome to those of you who are new to Confessions of a Disillusioned Black Girl.  I hope you enjoy your visit and look forward to exchanging ideas with you.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Moment of Simple