An honest dialogue about love, life, and everything in-between...

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Happy New Year!

12:03 AM |

Thoughts on the eve of yet another New Year...

While it's been forever since I've penned anything, I thought it was only fitting for me to keep up with my annual tradition of logging my thoughts about a year that has past and a year that approaches. And I'm so very happy to see 2014 go and looking forward to a great 2015.

I stopped truly setting "resolutions" for myself a while back. However, I've always maintained goals. I stopped plotting how I was going to reach those goals. I just know that however I get there, I'll get there. May seem crazy, but for me, I've realized that if I focus too hard on the "plan" I'll eventually lose sight of my goal. Mostly because my plans always seem to get derailed in some sort of fashion. Last year I had a really big primary goal. I didn't really tell anyone about it. I wasn't sure how I was going to get there, and for a while it didn't look like I was going to make it, but I accomplished it. With the support of family and unknowing stress relief of friends (and distractions of crazed students) I made it through. And I'm so very happy that I'm going into 2015 having accomplished that.

There is soooo much fucked up stuff going on in this world. It's very hard to lose sight of the good things that are out there. Tonight, I'm choosing to focus on things I can control, changes I can implement and things (and people) I can affect. It's been a really long time that I've gone into a New Year feeling really good (thought that might be the wine). And so, with that thought, I'm upping the ante and setting another 2 goals for myself. Let's get it!

And with that. The clock strikes 12:00. Happy New Year good people!

No seriously chill with this Meeks stuff...

jeremy meeks mug shot
So I'm sure everyone on the planet now has been witness to the mugshot heard 'round the world of 'notorious' pretty boy thug Jeremy Meeks. Along with all the comments from all kinds of women remarking about his modelesque looks and how shameful it is that he's a criminal (along with some probably NC-17 comments about what they'd like to do to him). And I'm also sure you've seen the accompanying posts about how sad and disappointed people are (gotta love the ones directed at black women...I got a whole lot of f-word filled sentences for that...but anyway) that they are saying all these things and going ga-ga over such a bad person. Such deep commentary on the state of the woman's psyche and how she could allow herself to think these things of a guy such as him.


Are you serious? Are you really serious right now? Like I'm sure all of the syphilis filled silicone stacked dumb-diddy-diddy-dumb bubble headed barbies you guys drool over on a daily basis are model citizens. Like you're lusting over a lovely personality and good community service work. Man, get the FOH. Let's just be clear, lust and objectification have absolutely nothing to do at all with the personality. Guys prove that on a daily basis. And that's all that this is. Light-eyed objectification.

BUT AH-HA! The table has turned. It's uncomfortable to think that women can be just as filthy minded as men. Because we're supposed to be attracted to deeper things like honesty and good citizenship. Honestly, most of the comments I've seen have been followed up by or preceded with "damn shame". So these women know he's no good. Doesn't change the fact that most think he's fine. Why should it?

At the end of the day who the fuck cares? Why does it bother people so much that women find this man attractive? Like pretty only comes in good packages. Psh! We all know that about 95-98% or so (give or take) would have no (serious) dealings with this married thug in real life. (But the again I run with smart women....) So why all the vibe killing?? Make you uncomfortable? Thinking of all the objectionable things women may say about you behind your back (or not)? Don't like that? Hmmmmmm?

When the 2-5% of these dumb hoes raise money to get this man out of jail then you complain. If a modeling agency really does think they could profit from this outpouring of interest, by all means talk away, cause I'll be talking right with you. BUT until then, big hand claps to the ladies. Way to let those freak flags fly. Have fun. Objectify and fantasize away.

But I gotta say thank you Facebook for actually setting off a spark to help me write something again. Even if it's dumb as shit.

.....sigh.....I gotta stop cussing......

Thursday, February 13, 2014

How To Be A Great Boyfriend

A definitive list...

The other day I was reading a post that gave a list of things for women to do in order to be a better/good girlfriend. So I thought as Valentine's Day approaches it was only fitting for me to give a bit of advice for guys on how to be a better boyfriend. At first I was thinking of compiling a list of things for you all to do, but I know guys like to say that we need to keep things simple, so I've managed to come up with the best list of all: a one item list.

The one and only thing I think guys need to do in order to be a good/better boyfriend is...

Mean what you say and say what you mean. If you say you'll be home at 2, then come home at 2. If you say you're picking us up at 9:30 then you should be pulling into the driveway at 9:25. If you say you care about us, then nothing you do or say will be contrary to that statement. If you say you'll never hurt us, then your words and your behaviors will never cause us to cry. If you say you will be there when we need you, then you will not hesitate to make us a priority when it counts. If you say we can trust you, never do a thing that would betray that privilege of trust we have given you.

Whether it's a promise to take out the trash or the commitment to be faithful, what you say carries more weight that you know. Flaking on the small stuff will leave us no room to believe that you will stay true to the larger things. So take care to be a man of your word in every sense. That alone will improve your boyfriend status.

Oh, and don't be the asshole that says...well I guess I'll never say or promise to do anything and then they can't get mad when I don't do it. While you would be correct in that thought process, this is not the post for that. I'll address that issue with the ladies later. 

Happy Valentine's Day people. Be good to each other.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Can't Be Friends

8:28 PM |

Sometimes it's best to say goodbye...

Many months or so ago I wrote a post outlining whether or not I thought it was possible for exes to be friends. In general, I do think that it is possible with a few things taken into consideration. You can read my full thoughts here. However, I think I need to really take a moment and address the issue of whether or not you should actually even attempt to be friends after a breakup.

People, not everyone is meant to be your friend. That includes people you were once dating, once intimate with, once thought you would spend your life with. There are some really toxic people in your life and it may not be until you have spent some time away from that person or away from that relationship that you realize just how toxic that person was to you.

If trying to maintain a friendship with that person still leads to constant arguments, constant stress, constant irritation, why on GOD'S GREEN EARTH are you trying to keep that person in your life? In any other situation you would have let that friend fall by the wayside. But because you two once had a relationship you feel that that person requires a bit more of your effort or patience. STOP yourself.

Really take the time to ask why it is important to keep that person as a part of your circle of friends. What benefit does it give you to still have regular or irregular contact with that person? How much of a friendship do you wish to have with this person: a casual acquaintance? a true friendship? For what purpose?

Think I'm wrong for asking 'what's in it for me?' Hate to tell you, no I'm not. There is no friend in your life that doesn't serve some type of purpose. Whether it's shared interest, shared perspective, laughter, a shoulder, connections, motivation, a history, upbringing, lifestyle, whatever...every friend you know provides some type of light into your life. If this person isn't adding to your glow and you're not adding to theirs what purpose do you serve each other?!?

Sometimes, it is in neither parties best interest to even attempt to try and retain any type of communication, contact, friendship, anything. Sometimes you just have to let it go. Walking around with too many strings attached can leave you tangled and tethered to a place you no longer wish or need to be. There is nothing wrong with just saying goodbye.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Deal Breakers

What you won't do for love...

As ladies we are always told in every self-help and relationship book ever published that we need to establish what our absolute relationship deal breakers are. In other words, out of our multi-page list of requirements for our potential partner, what are the ones we are absolutely not able to compromise on. After watching an episode of a series on my favorite YouTube channel, Black&Sexy.TV (go support), I began to wonder if guys are ever thinking about their absolute deal breakers.

Like I said, as women we are encouraged to come up with this list all the time. But I don't think I've ever overheard guys having that conversation. However, for guys I think taking time to think about this concept is equally important. Not only for the sake of exploring the things you ultimately want out of your relationship, but to see if the person you are currently with or considering spending the rest of your life fits  your requirements. I'm not talking shallow things like looks or can she cook. I'm talking having and raising children, money and finance topics, and general life wellness goals.

Too often I think guys assume that women want what they consider to be typical women things.
One example can be having children. I think many men assume that women want to be mothers. However there is a population of women who have no desire to be a mother. If having a family is a deal breaker for you, wouldn't it be important to know this woman you have fallen head over heels for and probably want to marry doesn't want children. I think many of these types of conversations never happen because people assume that the other wants what most "typical" women/men want. However some of these things can be major game changers and warrant honest discussions.

In general I think too many couples push forward onto the next phases of their relationships without having open conversations about what their expectations and desires are. I think both parties need to honestly put their expectations, hopes and dreams on the table and talk it out. See where you can meet in the middle on some topics. See where you just simply will not give up or compromise on. Sometimes what comes out of these conversations may reveal a deal breaker to you that you might not have even considered. Remember marriage is supposed to be till death. Are these things that you can live with or without?

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Standing Your Ground

12:30 PM |

Holding on to your standards...

As the years of singleness start to increase each turning hour, a girl can begin to question herself. You start to wonder: Are my standards too high? Unreasonable? Should I give up and take this one that is close enough? What is my limit? What requirements can go, what can be bent, what can I live with or without? Does what I'm looking for actually exist? Many times my mind starts to believe what I want is actually out there, just not in a package or format that I want, that exists in real life or that wants me in return.

At some point these questions start to get really loud and you begin to almost give up. Throw up your hands and say FINE! I GIVE! Obviously I'm being ridiculous. I can't get anything close to what I want so I'll just take what I can get. OR you do the exact opposite and resign yourself to becoming the neighborhood cat lady.

I have never been one to believe you should let go of what's important to you. You may have to reevaluate that list every few years to make sure what was a priority last year is still a priority this year. However, you should never let go of things that are deal breakers for you. And it's hard and frustrating and often times disheartening. But if you don't think you're worthy of getting what you want, what's to make anyone else think you're worthy.

I firmly believe that everything comes to you when you are ready for it. Not before. So what you want may not appear in the time you expect it, but I believe it will appear. I have no other choice to believe that. Because I a) hate cats and b) refuse to settle into an inadequate relationship just to have someone.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

6 Stages of Breakups

1:00 PM |

What?  I see. Why??? I hate you! I'm free! It OK...

Breakups can truly suck. But just like there are stages of grief, there are stages of a breakup that many, if not all, of us go through. And after watching someone literally go through each of these stages almost a day at a time, I thought I'd share the stages with you all so you can recognize where you might be in this cycle and where you'll probably be headed next.

Stage 1: Shock/Disbelief

There are instances in a breakup where one party has no idea that this breakup is coming. When it does come they're left in a state of confusion and disbelief that the person they are with no longer wishes to be with them. Even if the breakup is mutual or has been seen coming, when it's actually finally happening it can still be a bit of a shock. Sort of a --Wow, it's actually over. This part can be like a punch in the stomach. All the air seems to have left your body. Many times it can be numbing and unreal. But typically this stage passes within a reasonable time period. It's not a long lasting Stage.

Stage 2: Reflection

As you start to come out of Stage 1, you start to think about some things and people tend to look back. Review instances where in hindsight they can see that the person they were with wasn't happy. They can see areas where they  could have done better. Situations that they could have handled differently. This is an important stage that many people either spend entirely too much time in (perpetually dwell in the shoulda/coulda/woulda's until they are just sick with regret) or not enough time in. Everyone should spend a little time in this phase because there are many lessons to learn in this phase. You can see not only where you could make improvements, but also what you may have been missing as well. You can asses your needs as well as what you currently have to offer another. It can ultimately help you in your next relationship by pointing out the positives as well as the negatives.

Stage 3: Sadness

You would think that after you've had some time to process what happened you'd be closer to acceptance. You'd be wrong. Many times after looking back you really start to see how bad things were or how much you weren't getting from the other person or you start missing the good times and you just get sad. Sad. Sad. And more sad. All the things the two of you used to do together are now gone and you start to have empty spots and times during your days and weekends. Activities that you used to enjoy now bring you sadness because they're just a constant reminder of your past relationship. You may cry a lot here. It's ok. You have to grieve the end of that time. But don't let yourself slip into a depression here. Be very careful because it can happen.Your support network is going to be key here. They have to let you cry and get it out, but they can't let you just flounder in your sadness. So don't be afraid to lean on your friends and family if you need them.

Stage 4: Anger

After all that crying and all that reflecting and all that shock, you get to a point where you just get angry. You start to think--well if he wanted to go be with other people why did he even bother with making this thing with us serious. Or -- if she was so unhappy why didn't she just say something, how am I supposed to know. And you get angry. Mad that they let things go on so long unchecked because there could have been a way to fix it. You get upset that the other didn't think enough of you or your commitment to think you'd be willing to try and work things out. Mad that they didn't even try to give the relationship a chance to try and improve. This is where the cursing and I hate them come in. It's fine. It's natural. It'll pass. (Unless the breakup is from a true wrong doing - in which case it'll be around for a good bit).

Stage 5: Euphoria

This is the stage where you start to realize all the things you can do now that you're not attached. All the friends you can see again. All the unbothered free time. You can kind of rejoin the world that so many people in couples tend to leave behind. You start to call people you haven't talked to in a while. Hang out after work without worrying about having to check in. Talk to people of the other (or same) sex and not worry that someone is going to misinterpret every hello, handshake and hug. And you start to feel free. Things are just great! There are so many things you can do now. It's a huge sense of just pure relief and happiness that you probably weren't expecting to feel. Now this may or may not be true happiness. So don't let this phase have you fooled. It is quite possible that you can cycle through phases 3 - 5 a bit before stage 6 comes.

Stage 6: Acceptance

Really once you come down from that high of feeling free, you do begin to accept the fact that things have ended. You realize that yes it'll be hard at times probably, but it won't be insurmountable. You can move on and there are things still out there in the world for you. This is the phase where you can probably truly begin a friendship with that ex if you want. Trying to do so before this can just make things weird because there are still so many emotions tumbling around in there. But this is the end of the cycle. You can move on and find ways to truly be happy.

So these are the stages as I see and have experienced them. Knowing where you may be in this cycle could help you move on or prepare for the next stage. Just know that if you are going through a breakup, things will get better. No matter how bad it may feel.