An honest dialogue about love, life, and everything in-between...

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Good and Bad Hair

10:07 AM |

"whether you're darkie or fair"....

Ah the age old debate about hair. Whether we're talking about "good" or "bad" hair or just discussing the importance of hair in the Black community, this is a topic that seems to never die. Even at the school they are doing a discussion about hair next week. It should be interesting to hear what this generation thinks about it. (If they think at all). I'll let you know what gets said if I remember to go.

I don't know if we still have the debate about good or bad hair. I haven't heard that tossed around as much as the choice of the style these days in my circle. These days the debate I find I'm having more and more is about how we wear our hair. Whether we like it or not how we wear our hair does bring out certain stereotypes. For example, if you are a more tomboy-ish woman and decide to cut it short you face the possibility of being labeled as a lesbian. If you decide to wear it dreaded or natural you are automatically pinged as being that "afro-centric" down-for-my-people type of black person. You weave it and you get another label. And so on and so on...

Regardless of what you do or how you wear it, just like every other thing in life you will be labeled. It's unfortunate and I wrote my opinions about that in a previous post called I Am Not My Hair. I still get funny looks if I do something different with my hair or get looked at like I'm an anomaly when I'm in the hair dresser or in the street because I'm dark and my hair can grow just as long as a white girls. When these ideas will ever change who knows...

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Age Ain't Nuthin But A Number

10:54 PM |

Her December to His May...

To track my train of thought would be utterly pointless, but today I got to thinking about people who are dating someone significantly older or younger than they are. Can those relationships really work?

Some say no. For the simple fact that as the difference in years increase, so do the differences in expectations and current life positions. For example, it is very possible that someone 18-21 has a very different outlook on their life than someone in their mid to late 30's. Some say that the maturity level is different, their life experiences are different, etc. Some also just say that it's gross. What does a grown ass man/woman want with a child.

On the other hand some say yes. I know people who have been married for years with a significant other that is 15 years their junior. It hasn't been without its share of hardships but all in all they're still together. Some say the key is to find someone that's at the same point in their lives as you are in yours. It is very possible that a woman in her early 20's is ready to settle down and a man in his early 30's is ready to have a family and they can make it work. However, I was talking to my cousin who is in a May/December romance and while I thought they were doing good, it appears that things are a bit rocky. Primarily because they can't seem to work out the stage in life issue.

In the end I guess it's another to each his own situation. (Personally I can't get down with a man that's too much older.....that's too close to being like daddy and that's just gross). Can it work? Sure, there have been plenty of examples out there to support that. In the end, age really doesn't appear to matter. It's all about the person you are with and what the two of you want out of life. If they match, no matter what the age difference is, I say get yours. The pool is too small to limit it by age too!

The Prototype

10:38 PM |

What's your type?

So many people get upset when people even begin to utter the idea that they date a certain type of person. I promise if I hear the phrase "I don't have a type, I like all girls/guys" I'll scream. Truth is EVERYONE has a type.

The first think people think of when someone says "type" is the physical. What they look like. My friend like to clown me saying I only like them light, bright and pretty. But if you look at my dating history that's not the case. Don't tell a guy he has a "type" he'll lose it. I guess because they don't want to seem shallow or bias. But truthfully they have a type. Everyone does. It's what attracts you to another person. If there wasn't a type of person you were looking for, how are you attracted to anyone?

To clarify, when I use the idea of having a type I don't mean just the physical. Though it is true that many people out there do tend to date a certain type of woman or man. When I use the idea of type I'm going deeper than the surface. Be honest with yourself. There is a type of person you are attracted to. There are certain ideals, the way the person carries themselves, the way the person interacts with other people, it's their vibe, their air, etc. All these attributes make up a type of person. And that type is what you are attracted to. Now that "type" may come in a brown-skinned sista with a mini-fro or a blended baby with multi-cultural features.

To say that you don't have a type means you're out there dating ever tom, dick and jane that crosses your path. And you're not doing that. Why? Because they don't have the attributes that you are attracted to. In other words...they are not your type. Be it physically, socially, personality wise, they are not your type.

So if you really think about it you know what your type is. Don't get testy. There's nothing with that.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

And Another Thing

11:34 PM |

Can we get over the Oprah and the chicken thing. People she did not buy all you black people chicken. She did not buy all the people in America chicken. It's called marketing you dumb fucks. What the hell Oprah want to buy you chicken for? She just rolled over on her billions one day and said you know what...the people want chicken...I'm going to buy them chicken? Be real. Don't get me wrong the coupon was a very real and legitimate thing. But Oprah didn't buy it for you. Stop writing about how she's done something horrible wrong because you didn't get your 2 piece with slaw and mashed potatoes.

And what are you mad about anyway? Why did you even in your wildest dreams think that with the millions/billions of people in this nation you were going to be able to all log on at the same time and print this coupon. No web host in the world can handle that much traffic. And why on earth did you think that you could all go on the same day? It's a flippin coupon. Take your time. Use your brain. If you really wanted the chicken that bad, why not wait until you know everyone is going home from work, or late that night when people are asleep. That's how I got mine. And you know what, I didn't even use it cause honestly...the KFC up the street is a little suspect.

Read the fine print. Look for the expiration date and behave like you have some sense. Reading is fundamental. I heard people complaining about how when they did get their chicken they couldn't get what they wanted. Duh...says so right on the coupon...managers choice...meaning the manager chooses what you're about to eat. Don't get mad at them cause you're illiterate.

And I'm through...

It's just chicken...

So black people love to talk about our status, education, values, etc. and basically whose fault it is that we're all fucked up. No matter who is carrying on the discussion, what the topic is of that day, be it education or hell...I don't know health care, someone always brings in the music. It's the music we listen to, the music promotes this way of life, the music makes us stupid...part of the fault lies in the music. Then it eventually turns into a discussion about whether or not the music is promoting this negative culture or if it's the negative circumstances the artists have lived in directing the focus of their music.


Here it is.

There is no need to have a chicken or egg discussion when it comes to music. Music is made from the people. And the people want money. If it don't make dollars then it don't make sense. Now there are those artists that are out there grinding putting out music they love and that they feel reflects their message. But there are just as many out there that are just trying to make paper. And the people in power don't give a rats ass about the message. They want to know if that artist can make them money. Why? Because they shell out thousands upon thousands of dollars on that person to make them a star. You better believe they would not do that if they didn't expect to see a return in their investment. In's not the music's fault.

Don't like it, then start supporting your local music stores, independent artists and conscious musicians.

God, black people. We love to blame someone, something, no matter how arbitrary it is. That has to stop. We're never going to get anywhere if we're not ready to have an honest discussion about our issues. We have to take responsibilities for the messes that we've made. Start cleaning up at home. Put your ignorant child in front of a book instead of the PS3. Stop calling the schools asking why little Johnny can't turn in his homework late instead of making him own up to his own failures. Don't blame your job for keeping you oblivious to your child's actions. Better parents than you have worked for centuries and have managed to produce good kids. Stop blaming the school system for not educating your child when you didn't take the time to start giving them the fundamentals before you put them in school. Make them play with blocks, color, teach them basic shapes instead of the bird walk. Pay attention!

We were dealt a shitty card in life. Our history is littered with so much oppression and hardship. But we survived. We are the products of the ones who were strong enough to make the journey over. We are the product of the ones who were smart enough survive life in the fields. We are the product of those who were brave enough to escape. Do you think they could have made it as far as they did by constantly blaming others? So why the hell do you think we'll advance any further than we are today by doing so? You want to tattoo Kunta on your back and wear the fist on your chest but you don't want to own up to your responsibilities. Man please.

Get it together.

Or Else

10:43 PM |

Pointless ultimatums...

So the other day I was flipping channels and I saw what I suppose is a new take on the failed show "Ultimatum" called "Hitched or Ditched" where basically people (probably mostly female) hit their significant other with the decision to marry them or they break up. Now of course we could go into a discussion about why they are choosing to put crap reality shows on the air but taking off real shows but that's not the purpose of the discussion here.

Ladies, I'm going to be honest. There is no point in giving ultimatums. None what so ever. The result, no matter what the answer is, is not going to be favorable. I mean think about it. If he decides to marry you, then you know that it's only because you forced him basically. And what type of foundation does that build your marriage on? You know these types of ultimatums don't typically come from people who have been together 10-15 years. It's usually those couples who've been together for like 2-4. And when you think about it, you can date someone all through high school/college for that amount of time and not want to marry them...but I digress. If a man truly loves you, why do you have to force his hand?

And what if he says no? What if he still wants to be with you but is not ready to marry? Are you ready to hear that? Are you ready to let something go that could be wonderful in a few months in a year or so? Are you truly ready to make the man you obviously love enough to want to spend the rest of your life with possibly walk out the door? And typically if you break up this way, it's never truly a clean break. You have history with this person. There will inevitably be some back and forth before things get either really ugly and nasty, or you wined back up in the same place.

It's not to say that people shouldn't discuss from time to time where their relationships are going. You two have to be on the same page. If you're in it for marriage and he is not, then yes you need to move on. But you have discussions about this along the way. It's a con-ver-sation. And if you two do not want the same things out of the relationship it will show long before you feel the need to give an ultimatum.

It's unfortunate we're living in this microwave culture. We have to have everything right now. When sometimes it's better slow roasted. Take your time. Let it evolve. And when it's done you'll know.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Random Thought

10:46 PM |

Monday, May 4, 2009

He's Baaaccckk

2:14 PM |


I don't know about you but I've been waiting to hear some new music from Maxwell for a while. I just happened on this video today so I had to share. Enjoy.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

It's Over

6:01 PM |

When to say when...

Today I was talking to one of my friends about a girl who is in the process of trying to decide if it's time to let go. She's been in a relationship with a man who she has serious history with. They started dating in middle/high school. They went their separate ways, got married to different people, got divorced and reconnected after that. Sound like the beginning of a love story right? Well things have not been going well at all. They fight, they break up, he gets with other people shortly after the break-up, family doesn't like him, and apparently things got physical ended with her and some marks on her face. Long story short, she's trying to decide whether to hold on or let go and she's asking my friend how she did it.

It's hard to tell another person when it's time to let go. Because if you do so prematurely you'll inevitably end up dealing with that person again in some form or fashion. Or you'll never truly get past that relationship and be able to move on in a healthy manner. Everyone's breaking point is different. So how do you really decide when to call it quits?

I think when you are in a relationship that goes bad it's easy to decide when it's over. You've been cheated on one too many times. You're tired of getting abused. You fight all the time. So it's easier to see that things are just not working, you're not happy, it's time to get out. But when things don't necessarily go "wrong" it's harder to decide it's over. When there's nothing you did wrong, nothing he did wrong but you still feel like this isn't working or something isn't right, you start to think this is just a rut. When it gets like that, many make the mistake of thinking marriage is the logical solution, when in fact they probably should have just walked away.

So how do you decide? I think you should ask yourself some key questions that can help make that decision.

1. Am I getting anything out of being with this person?
No matter how mad you are with someone, you should always be able to answer yes to this question. You should be able to say that this person gives you happiness in some kind of way. You like the way your conversations stimulate your mind. You enjoy his company. You like making him happy because that makes you happy and he does the same in turn. Etc. Etc. It doesn't mean financial and it doesn't mean physical. You should feel like you are not simply passing the time away when you are with this person.

If you managed to answer no to question 1, then your next question needs to be...

2. Can I change or can he change?
Is there something he's not providing that you need to answer yes to question 1? Is there something within yourself that needs to be fixed? If anything you feel that you are not getting out of the relationship can be made with a few modifications in how you deal with one another then there is still some hope. So long as both parties are willing to work towards making each other happy. If the change involves "changing" the person, to the point where they are no longer happy or they are no longer the same person, then you need to walk away. You should never stay in a relationship hoping to change a person into what you want.

If you answered no to question 2, then it's over. That means that no matter what that person does, no matter what they change, you still will not be happy. And that can happen. Things change, people change, Sometimes whether a person changes or not still will not make you happy. That doesn't mean that he's bad or that you are bad, you're just not meant for each other.

If that still isn't enough then you should be asking..

3. What is really the problem?
Take a step back and look at why you are questioning your relationship. Why are you even debating on whether or not you should be with this person. You should be able to search and find an answer. If there is no answer, and there is no real problem, then why are you even questioning your relationship?

Notice I didn't include love in there. That's because love is what makes reasonable people stay with abusers. Love is what convinces you, you can change him to be what you want. Love is great but love can cloud your decisions. And when making a decision such as to stay and to leave you don't have to consider love. Why? Because you probably already love them, that's why you are having difficulty making your decision. You can love some one and not be meant to be with them. So when you are deciding, love will be a factor, but don't make that be a decider.

By all means I don't think I have the all the answers. But I can say I have walked away when the decision wasn't easy. In the end I am a lot happier for it. Never regretted the decision not once. Bottom line is, you and only you will know what is right for your relationship. And when it's time to let go, it's time to let go. Don't be afraid.