An honest dialogue about love, life, and everything in-between...

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Watch Them

11:00 AM |

Signs that they're not right...

We've all done it. Ignored a side comment. Passed off a repetitive action for a one time occurrence. Made excuses and concocted reasons for why a person does or says what they do. Later you realize you may have missed some warning signs, and now you're left feeling used, hurt and mislead. And no matter how much we push it away, IT SUCKS!

I'm a firm believer in the idea that people will always, ALWAYS show you their true intentions. You just have to be open enough to see it. Unfortunately, so many of us want something to so bad, we're able to will away the warning signs. So just to take a look at a few that should just not be ignored:

No Time.
I taked on this once before. A man or woman who is really into you will make you a priority. MAKE you fit into their schedule. MAKE time to call or talk to you. If they don't, walk away. They're playing.

Cancels, Cancels, Cancels.
If they are always canceling on you. Bounce. This goes inline with the no time thing. You have a calendar. You have a clock/watch/phone with date and time. A few cancellations with rescheduling here or there...fine. Always canceling with no word on when you'll reschedule...problem. If I've cleared out my schedule to fit you in, you can respect me enough to do the same. If not...deuces.

Fair weather/Mr. or Ms. Magic.
You guys go hard for 2 weeks then all of a sudden it's like you're playing Where's Waldo (and everyone's got on a stripped shirt). Then they want to resurface weeks later like nothings happened. No, no. Unless you were out in the mountains having tea with the Uni-bomber you have a way to reach me. (Hell, when I was out in the middle of the ocean on a cruise I still got phone calls). Constantly pulling a disappearing act is a big red flag. Even if there's nothing wrong between the two of you, there's SOMETHING going on there. That is not OK. Plus, that tends to perpetuate the idea that you'll always be there no matter what. Have they earned that?

And lastly an honorable mention (cause I'm tired of this same old song)....

Look, if you run into a guy or girl frequently and they're like call me, email me, text me, hit me up and then they never respond. STOP TRYING TO TALK TO THEM! (Light bulb moment, I know, how insightful). Even if the conversation goes like this:

You: oh I hit you up the other day and you didn't respond
Them: oh I didn't get the message, dang, well look I'll be home today call me...


Fuck them. Seriously. They're playing. Unless your driver's license says Sony Playstation you are not to be played with. Remember, you love and respect yourself. Respect yourself enough to not put up with the bullshit.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Moment of Simple

12:00 PM |

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Not A Good Look

It's called a comb, invest it one...

Black women, please hear me. You MUST...STOP...strolling public venus in your head scarf, rollers, and house shoes. I don't care if you're just running to the store real quick, about to get it done or hell even going to your own mailbox. Take 2 seconds, and take the scarf off and put on some real shoes. You don't even have to comb the wrap down (but you do have to take the silver pins out). This look is not cute!

If it's not done, put it in a pony tail. If it's too short for a pony tail either get some gel and slick it down or go buy a hat. Do what ever it is you have to do so you're not roaming the streets looking like a field hand from Roots.

And this also goes for the leggings and the too small t-shirts on the behinds that don't need to be in spandex as well. Put it all together and you got a hot mess just click-clacking all around the grocery store. Meanwhile, I gotta stand there in the line embarrassed cause the uppity 'others' are looking at me like - get your girl - when they clearly don't understand that we don't all know each other. Your mama should have taught you better and if she didn't let me just tell you that all of that is just NOT A GOOD LOOK!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Acting Right

12:48 PM |

Thanksgiving protocol...

Ah, Thanksgiving.... A wonderful time to gather together with loved ones and friends and give thanks for all the things you have, reflect on the year and enjoy good food and good company. I thought it'd be only fitting to give some guidelines for next year to help make each and every Thanksgiving (or other family gathering) fun and free of social faux pas.

1. If you are in the immediate family of the one hosting the gathering, it is your responsibility to either: help cook the meal or assist with any of the final preparations (but only if you can cook), arrive early to assist with the set up - clean dishes, set up tables and chairs, etc. or stay late and assist with the clean up. The only exception to this rule is if the elders or the host tell you to get somewhere and sit down. In that case you should do as ordered.

2. If someone was there last year, but is not there this year, don't mention it. While this can be applied to any family member, this is most applicable to in-laws, girlfriends, boyfriends or fiances. Sometimes ignoring it can be the best thing. Trust me, some one will pull you into a corner and get you in the loop later.

3. Be on time. If you're late, you'll be hungry. When the family says they are eating at 12, they mean it. Hands will be joined at 11:50 for prayer. Prayer will end at 11:59 and plates will be filled at 12. Whether you're there or not.

4. Wait until all people are sat and fed before you come back for seconds....Greedy....

5. Let the old people be old people. Let them argue with each other. Let them tell you 15 different ways to do one thing (which will ultimately not be what you were trying to do in the first place). Don't fight back. Don't disagree. Just nod your head and say yes mama, no sir and keep it moving. They've earned the right to be that way.

6. Just enjoy each other. Have fun, play some games, sit, talk, eat and reminisce. Time is fleeting. Enjoy the moments you have with each other while you can.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Giving Thanks

6:21 AM |

Interrupting your regularly scheduled ranting...

While I'm waiting for my sisters to get up so we can leave for my Grandmother's house for Thanksgiving, I thought I'd take a moment to say thanks. We all know that we should do this more than one time a year, but at least this is a day that we can take some time and really focus in on the good parts....

So thank you to my family. Always down and supportive and a good kick in the pants when I needed it. Thanks to my sisters for being sisters. I know I can count on you guys for any and everything. We've had to climb a lot of mountains to get to this point and I'm happy we made it.

Thanks to Carole, for giving me a chance. I was really stuck and truly at my limit when I was hired. I was broke, frustrated and starting to become unsure if I would make it after graduate school. I don't think I ever truly thanked you enough. So really and truly thank you.

Thanks to my boss man, Professor Locs. If you haven't checked out his blog you are truly missing out. You motivate and inspire me every day, not just on the job but with my writing and creating. I've learned a lot from you over the years and truly appreciate you. The work you do with the students is above and beyond the call of duty (many don't even care to try).

Thanks to all of my people! My friends, hommies, girls, boys, everyone who's been there for me over the years. You guys get me laughing when I need it, let me decompress, give me plenty of things to think (and write) about and are just truly good people. We may not talk like we should but we know we appreciate each other.

Thanks to my students who inspire me and piss me off on a daily basis (sometimes, simultaneously). You give me reasons to keep doing what I do, reasons to quit and do something else, reasons to create, study and be better. I can't wait to see what you guys will become...

Well, I think I've been nice enough for today. Tomorrow, it's back to your regularly scheduled program. But for real. We all know that times are hard. People are frustrated. Things may not be ideal. But if you look hard enough, you will find plenty of things to be thankful for. Even if you are thankful that you're not the dude sitting next to you, that's something...

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Random Thought

12:00 PM |

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Know Your Role: The Jump-Off

11:00 AM |

"My jump-off is not insecure or jealous..."

It has been a good 2 years since the last installment of the know your role series. This time we are back to discuss the rules of engagement for the jump-off. For this role it is vitally important for all those involved to be aware of your position and play them accordingly, because this is probably, by far, the most misinterpreted and dangerous role. Therefore, I'll be as direct as possible.

As a jump-off you must understand fully that you are NOT the girlfriend/boyfriend and should not be expected to be treated as such. You are not required to listen to any conversation that expands beyond either a) pillow talk or b) hook up arrangements. You are not required to buy you any gifts or celebrate any holidays with each other. You are not required to spend a scheduled amount of time with each other. (In other words be ready when needed but don't expect to be called in.) You are not required to go out to eat together unless it part of the pre or post hook-up ritual. (Please be advised having extended contact with your jump-off outside of the bedroom can lead to a development of feelings and generate a potential for future complications.)

Both participants in this arrangement must be conscious not to overstep their boundaries. Remember, he is not your man and she is not your woman. Neither should engage in behaviors that would lead the other to believe that they are anything other than a jump-off. Failure to comply with these regulations could lead to property damage, a waste of tax payers dollars and unnecessary aggravation.

Because of the nature of this position, it is imperative that those wishing to apply and those reviewing applications, do not accept those with insecurities. This will help reduce the possibility of jealousy issues that often occur within this position. It is also to be understood that your jump-off has the ability to freelance and accept other contract jobs. There is no binding contract to you.

Those deciding to accept the position of the jump-off must do so with the understanding that their time in this position can be a short one. This position is easily filled and turns over quite frequently, so it is also very important that security procedures are followed to the letter and appropriate background checks are performed before hiring. On very rare occasions, some jump-offs have been successful and making the transition to the girlfriend. However, those deciding to accept the jump-off position must be aware that this type of advancement is not guaranteed.

Remember, no role is permanent. Just make sure your behavior gets you a promotion and not the pink slip.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Moment of Simple

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Not A Good Look

11:30 AM |

"I sent that bitch a smiley face, bitches love smiley faces".......

I'm sorry but I really hate to see a man on a cell phone. I'm not just talking abut doing some business, or checking voicemail or making appointments or things of that nature. I mean when I see a man glued to his blackberry, chatting it up with his boys or texting like a high school teenager.

Since when did it become cute for a man to be huddled up in the corner whispering into his phone? And at 6:30am? Who are you talking to?? I've always been bothered by a very chatty man. I just don't really find that attractive. But more and more these days I just see everyone from business men to 'yo' boys strolling down the block yacking away to the mystery person on the other end of the line. (My Aunt's definition of 'yo' boys: The dudes on the block with the pants off their butts shouting 'yo, yo, yo' all day).

Please fellas, understand that excessive texting and cell phone use in public for purposes other than business tends to make you look very feminine. Because of this, I encourage the women in your lives to be conscious of your current location and try not to pin you on the phone for hours on end when you're out in public taking care of business. Ladies, if you need to see what time he's picking you up, or a quick text to say hi or whatever, that's cool. In short, fellas, save all that conversation about baby-mama drama, silly chics you split the night before, game-time discussion and pillow talk for the home and in person. Cause doing all of that out in public is just not a good look.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

The People

11:17 AM |

dedicated to all the homies....

This is for my people who have people. The down since you were low to the ground people. The ones who had your back when you were still pushing your grandaddy's cadillac people. These are the people who accept you flaws and all. The ones who no matter how much time has passed are still there to be your rock, your shoulder, your dude. The ones who will drop everything to help you out. You know....your PEOPLES.

Now take a minute and think about how you would feel if you called up one day and that person wasn't there. If you're not truly affected by that thought then they really weren't your people to begin with. But if you are a bit shaken up....good.

I think it's easy to neglect or forget about those people who are always there. Simply because they're always there. But what you have to remember is the same support, shoulder, acceptance they've given you, they need as well. They need to know you are just as much their peoples and they are you peoples. That no matter what, you've got their back. And if they don't feel that there, and the relationship stays unbalanced for so long, don't think they won't up and leave you.

Kinda messed up right? To think that someone wouldn't be there for you because you weren't there for them. But why would they be? How long do you think someone can go on being used up before they decide they don't need that kind of friendship in their lives anymore? They won't leave with hate or anger. They may not even truly 'leave' at all. You may not even notice it's happening. They just will slowly stop being that dude you can always rely on. Slowly stop doing whatever you need when ever you need it. They'll just slowly start to phase themselves away and one day they'll be gone....

Then what.....

Friday, November 19, 2010

Acting Right

12:00 PM |

Fight or flight: how to behave in hostile situations...

Ok ladies, it's time to get real about arguments/fights. When the situation has gotten beyond heated. I'm talking seriously furious at each other and you are totally unleashing on your man. I warn you to be careful. While we have 'evolved', or whatever, the natural instinct of mammals is to fight or flee. If you corner your man and don't let him leave you are eliminating the flee option. Are you ready for a fight?

It's been my experience that if a man has to walk away from an argument, LET HIM. It keeps the two of you from saying things they really don't mean, keeps him out of jail and keeps you out of the hospital. When the situation has defused to a reasonable level, and if he still gives a crap about you, he'll be back. Under no circumstances should you block a doorway and try to prevent your man from leaving. Especially if you are still yelling and throwing stuff at him.

Please remember you are first and foremost arguing with a MAN. And you have to take into considerations all that being a man means. There are only so many things that the male psyche can take before his manhood begins to be challenged and he feels the need to retaliate. Wether that's going to be verbal or physical is totally dependent on the man. Majority of men have such a great control over themselves that they'll NEVER escalate to hitting a woman. But EVERY man has a limit. And if you choose to be the bitch to push that limit be prepared for whatever comes after that border is breached.

Too many women try to hide behind that "a man can't hit a woman" thing and think they can do any and everything to their man. No-no, sweetie. Understand that if you plan on throwing punches like a man, be prepared to be hit like a man. Please keep your hate-filled comments because trust that I'm not saying that it's right nor acceptable. But in what world do you think you can wail on another person, woman or man, and expect not to be smacked back?

So, in short. As hard as it may be when you're angry and yelling, you all know the natural limits. In the middle of a heated argument, don't prevent your man from leaving. Guys don't prevent your woman from leaving, either. Let things calm down to a level in which you guys can talk out whatever the situation is. Arguments should never escalate to where it gets physical. And you should never get so angry that you will say or do anything that could wreck your relationship. Be smart. Be respectful. Be good.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Victim of the Game

12:32 PM |

Just some thoughts for my girls...

So you thought you met a good guy. You go out, he calls, says all the right things and you think, "you know what...I think I kinda dig this dude". And it happens. Your guard starts to come down, and now you've gotten caught up in the game. And before you know it, Mr. Good-Guy becomes, Mr. Typical. He got you, now he's gone.

Ladies, you have to really start giving guys more credit. They are not as dumb and society wants us to believe. Many of them are very cunning and quite manipulative. They know just what to say, do, wear and who to be, to help them accomplish whatever goal or plan they have in mind for you.

A guy's mind is like an app store. If their goal is to get as many numbers as they can for that night, they have a plan for that. If their goal is to get a little cutty, they have a plan for that. They have a game plan to approach the unapproachable woman in the corner with her wing girl. They have a plan to approach the cute one in a group of gorillas. They have a plan to scoop up the hot mess drunk girl at the bar. They have plan to get the girl who's just out to have a good time. Bottom line, they have a plan to get you.

I think women, especially the strong, independent, good girl types, don't believe that they can be sucked up by the game. When in actuality, it happens to them more than they are willing to admit. And while guys like a sure thing, they LOVE a challenge. Many will hang on longer than normal just to see if they can win. And once they've got you, they got you.

A true man, when he realizes what he has, will stop playing these games and show himself. The rest will continue to drive long after the foul was called. What you have to be able to do is recognize the game players and suit up to play too. And if you get got, then just give it up to the game. And when you've lost too many times to count and you're ready to just give up on the game, look to the stands, I'm sure there's a fan that's been there waiting to meet you.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Random Thought

10:11 AM |

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


What are you holding on to?

During the new year seasons (my birthday and christmas), I feel a need to start over and try something else. You know, hit the proverbial restart button. So, at least twice a year I the 'new me' process starts by me going through the motions of getting rid of all this CRAP I have around my house. However it seems like no matter how much I purge, how much I give away, how much I throw out, I still have so much STUFF! And I get stuck. I return to my same routine and never finish what I set out to do. And I started to think...

How can you start anew when you are still hold on to so much stuff? As I began to put things I forgot I had and never use back into bins and boxes to keep, I had to stop and ask myself why I am still holding on to this stuff. Often there are things that we hold on to for a reason we don't consciously know or refuse to acknowledge, that prevent us from moving on. Look around your space. What are you holding on to that you really don't need anymore?

And it doesn't have to be literally stuff. Some of us are holding on to partners, friends, jobs, even family that we really don't need to have in our lives anymore too. But until we're able to figure out why we're holding on to these 'things', we'll never be able to get rid of them. Ultimately, this leaves us stuck.

This weekend I found out my reason. Ask yourself, what's yours....

Monday, November 15, 2010

Moment of Simple

12:00 PM |

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Ask A Black Girl

10:39 AM |

  1. confessdbgirl

    Why do tall dudes always check short chicks?! I mean do you like bending over to kiss your date... hmmmmm.

    So my mind went to three different places when I got this question so follow me on my train of thought:

    One: It's not so much about bending over, as it is about physical versatility. I mean why do you think they make short, petite girls the tops of the cheerleading pyramids and the flyers. Short chics give a whole new meaning to the phrase 'smack it up, flip it...." well, you can finish the rest.

    Two: In all seriousness, I think it could be a part of the male need to feel like a protector and provider. The height difference can provide a sense of security and protection for the women. And this is something I think a lot of men like to be able to do for their women. Since most women today have just as much as men, if not more, being a traditional 'provider' isn't as necessary as it was before. For a short girl you can be a provider in new ways. Like, provide access to the high shelves.

    Three: Besides, it takes a strong man to date a woman, period. And truthfully many are just punks and intimidated by a woman who can stare him down.

    Got a question? Want an honest answer? Ask me.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Doing Too Much?

6:30 PM |

Cutely Interested vs Creepy Stalker....

If a man you weren't remotely interested, in popped up and showered you with unexpected, unrequested gifts, what would you do? Would you be flattered and impressed? Or creeped out and concerned? Back in the day when men were interested in pursuing a relationship with a woman they would send love letters, wine her, dine her, buy gifts, etc in an effort to earn her affection. In other words, court or woo her, even if it appeared that she may not have as much interest in him. Back then, it was cute. Today, you'd be a stalker.

Sometimes, I think guys feel like they can win a woman over. Buy her enough gifts, show her enough interest and she'll bow down. You'll show her you're interested. She'll hate you. You continue to pursue her. And then one day after a horrible life experience, you'll be there to comfort her. She'll look at you like she's never looked at you before and it'll happen. She's now and forever yours . That's how they do it in the movies, right?

Truthfully, if you are giving unwanted advances, no matter how sincere, you are really just doing entirely too much. There is a very, VERY thin line between interested and stalker. Regardless of the degree of attention a woman needs to feel wanted, no woman wants unwanted attention.

So what do you, a guy, do when trying to win the heart of a girl do? Do you just give up? Stop trying? Or wear her down? You have to respect her wishes, whatever they may be. There could be an opportunity in the future to win her heart. However if you keep pushing, you'll permanently lock that door. If you've shown that you are interested, trust that she gets it and if she's interested she'll show you. If she's not interested, then she's just not interested. Get the message and back off.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Moment of Simple

12:00 PM |

Among other things...

This evening I went out to see the Tyler Perry adaptation of the Ntozake Shange play/book For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf. I left the movie with a lot of thoughts. Not so much about the film but about us as a people and black movies in general.

First, I must say that I enjoyed the movie. I had read the book and was curious to how Tyler Perry was going to pull this off. (If any of you have seen the play or read the book I'm sure you were probably wondering the same thing). Though Perry deals with some dark topics in his movies, I didn't know if he could be true to the pictures and images created by Shange's words. I clearly blocked some parts of the story out of my head (all which came rushing back to me at the appropriate places...if you've seen it you can OMG with me). I think that if you are unfamiliar with the stories or the nature of the play/book there will be parts of it that are a bit confusing and dialogue that makes no real natural sense. But in general, I can truly say that I enjoyed watching it.

However, when I left the movie I felt so heavy. My spirit was just tired. This is where my mind went: So much of the Black experience that gets told are stories about triumph out of pain. Success over all obstacles. Unity in times of peril. I think we spend so much time explaining and celebrating our strength in times of hardship that we forget that our strength was there long before the hardship even existed. It is because of that pre-existing strength, versatility, courage and faith that we were able to survive all of these years.

Please understand that I'm not saying that those stories don't need to be told. We have to keep those stories alive or else they'll become dusty, fogotten pages in the history books. What I am saying is, we have to find a way to celebrate our lives in general. We need to show that it's OK to be happy. It's OK to have an 'easy' life. It's OK to be OK. I believe those who fought and died for us to live this 'equal' life did so to make it OK. The entire black experience cannot solely be summarized by oppression. Nor can we say everything is WONDERFUL, cause we know it's not. We (just like EV-ER-RY-THING) need a balance.

And please believe that balance does not come in the form of a wedding, reunion, or funeral movie. I saw yet another wedding movie trailer. (Looks interesting but really....) For some of the most creative and innovative people we recycle the most tired ass story lines. We just cannot, CANNOT have yet another wedding movie. We just can't. Nervous groom, crazy, panicked bride, evil mother in law, crazy groomsman, man hating, jealous bridesmaids, reconnecting with old loves, resolving past unfinished business..I get it...we all have country cousins, hood cousins, sididdy cousins, broke cousins, lazy cousins, thieving cousins.... Funerals can quickly become a hot mess if not clearly controlled...I get it.... let's just sum them all up with a "haha, oh! no she didn't, awww, two snaps in z-formation, oooooh".... Feel good? Great...let's do something else.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Questions

12:28 PM |

What you don't know could hurt...

I've always found it interesting that many people spend years together or get married, only later to realize that they have virtually nothing in common with the person that was supposed to be their soulmate. Sure they may both like rainy days, chocolate and the color purple, but what else do they have in common. Why is it that people don't talk about the real stuff until it's too late?

I know that in the beginning of a relationship you tend not to want to be bogged down with the serious side of life. Things are great when a relationship is new. The flowers smell sweeter, sky is bluer, them farting in front of you is funny and cute. But when the flowers are dry and the weather turns cold, will those small things keep you warm?

At some point, couples need to have the tough conversations and make smart observations. How does he/she handle their finances? How do they handle conflict? What are their views about raising kids? What does it take for them to be happy and comfortable in their skin, with their life? Do they have goals in life? While these questions in the beginning don't really matter, if the relationship grows, these could be deal breakers. And though some opinions can be changed, no one should go into any relationship thinking they can manipulate the other into bending to their will.

Though they may say love is blind, they never said it was deaf, mute or dumb. Even a blind man has a walking stick to keep him from bumping into doors or walking out into traffic....

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Random Thought

1:11 PM |