Holding on to your standards...


As the years of singleness start to increase each turning hour, a girl can begin to question herself. You start to wonder: Are my standards too high? Unreasonable? Should I give up and take this one that is close enough? What is my limit? What requirements can go, what can be bent, what can I live with or without? Does what I'm looking for actually exist? Many times my mind starts to believe what I want is actually out there, just not in a package or format that I want, that exists in real life or that wants me in return.

At some point these questions start to get really loud and you begin to almost give up. Throw up your hands and say FINE! I GIVE! Obviously I'm being ridiculous. I can't get anything close to what I want so I'll just take what I can get. OR you do the exact opposite and resign yourself to becoming the neighborhood cat lady.

I have never been one to believe you should let go of what's important to you. You may have to reevaluate that list every few years to make sure what was a priority last year is still a priority this year. However, you should never let go of things that are deal breakers for you. And it's hard and frustrating and often times disheartening. But if you don't think you're worthy of getting what you want, what's to make anyone else think you're worthy.

I firmly believe that everything comes to you when you are ready for it. Not before. So what you want may not appear in the time you expect it, but I believe it will appear. I have no other choice to believe that. Because I a) hate cats and b) refuse to settle into an inadequate relationship just to have someone.

More thoughts on settling...

....does it always have to be the first question?


I don't know. I guess it's because of the age my friends and I are all reaching, but it seems like every time I turn around another one bites the dust. Is preparing to take the big plunge. Tying on that ol' ball and chain. Yup. Getting married. All members from my old crew in high school are now all officially married, with the most recent one getting engaged over the holidays (congrats to her!). My former college crew all are dating. Yup the ditzy one has had a boyfriend for at least the past year. Good for her but I can't really mask my astonishment. The big one, we call her that lovingly, big homie! just got engaged. And while I think this is a piss poor idea, it's not my life. Granted they'll probably have a hard road but as long as he treats her well I'll keep my opinions to myself unless asked for. Even the super inexperienced, cynical one has someone she's semi-talking to. Good for her. All of my sorority sisters are getting married and having kids or attempting to have one with their new husbands. Great for them. Aside from my two homegirls I talk to on a regular basis (big up NY island girl and W2!), I have no single friends left. I, alas, am the single friend.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. To be honest, if I had stayed in my last relationship I probably would have been right there. No regrets on this end for ending that one. I learned enough to realize that he was not the one for me. And I made the choice to re-enter singledom. I accept my choice. But, damn, does every catch up phone call have to start with the question "Who are you seeing now?" Or as my home boy so eloquently put it this evening, "You still clockin them hoes". (big sigh for him on that one). The answer to those questions are NO ONE and NOOO. I don't go anywhere but to work (where I work with college students sometimes younger than my baby sister the young one and grown ass gay men). I don't do the club scene anymore (either I'm the oldest chic in the club, the youngest chic in the club, or I have on way too many clothes to make an impression). Or I'm hanging with my sorors and frat and well...while I love my frat and they do make great male companions, most of our functions leave them extremely inebriated (that's drunk for those who need a dictionary) and there's never really a good enough coherent atmosphere. Plus we've know each other for so long and sometimes all to well, that sometimes we're all way to much like family. So no, I haven't met anyone. And while you're question is just to ask, do I have to be constantly reminded that I'm the single friend?? Amongst my guy and my girl friends??

Don't get me wrong. I'm not looking for "Mr. Wright" (yup I spelled it right..it's a family name ;) But damn can a sista get a date? I'm affordable (not cheap). I don't eat much these days. I like sports, video games, bowling, and movies. You know all the typical stuff. Plus I live in a city where we can really get some coffee (tea for me) or ice cream and just hang out up town or something. No frills here. Heck, we can even kick it on the real cheap on the weekends and just cool out at the house and watch the games. It's play off time and soon it'll be March Madness and I know enough about the games for you to not be concerned with this chic in your ear asking you 20 questions. Either way. A date. A phone call. A holla. No mad commitments. I know I'm a big contributer to my alone-ness. I can get out to more places, go do more things. I'm not desperate either so I know I don't put off that air of desperation, that whole "come talk to me please" either, so chill on that one too. But like Al Green said every now and then "I'm so tired of being alone".

So as a PSA for all you married people who have single friends you haven't talked to in a while. Wait like 5 sentences before you hit them with the "Who are you dating now" question. We'd much appreciate it.