An honest dialogue about love, life, and everything in-between...


Q: After kicking dudes to the curb, when do you get to the point of evaluation? Are my standards to him or are these the frogs and my prince around the corner?

I answered part one of this question here. So let's take a look at part 2. I'm assuming the last part of that question should read "Are my standards to high or are these the frogs and my prince is around the corner?" 

Ahhh 'standards'.  As a woman…and as a woman of a certain age…and as a woman of a certain age and of a specific race, I can't even count the number of times I have been asked about my standards. Not only being asked about them, but being told that they are too high and that the should be lowered. And I do mean lowered. There are a lot of self help gurus out there that talk about adjusting and changing, but really a lot of times they do mean lowering. My question immediately is…why? What for? Am I wrong for wanting something more? Am I wrong for having high expectations? Should I just lower myself to be with a man? *Add in all the neck rolls and finger pointing and eye rolling you want…*

Pause. I'm getting defensive.  Let me regroup….

Back to this question.  In order to ask if your standards are too high, you must first ask, are you meeting these standards yourself?  There is no way possible you can expect your man to reach some arbitrary standards you aren't even able to reach. If this is the case, then yes, you need to not only reevaluate the qualities you are looking for, but you need to reevaluate the qualities you offer. 

And as you move through life those standards should change.  What you were looking for at 21 should not be the same things you're looking for at 31 and should not be the same things you're looking for at 41.  We grow up. We change. We make progress. We achieve goals and reach new levels of success. And therefore what we require at every phase of our life changes based on that phase. If what you're looking for hasn't evolved since the 11th grade, you need to update that list.

Next you need to look at what your standards are? Are they shallow and self-serving? Or are they deep and meaningful? Is your list of deal breakers full of superficial things or is it more about character and personality?  If you look at your list of requirements and see that it is full of potentially shallow things, then you need to really think about adjusting that list. It is completely possible that those 'shallow' things are just glimpses into some deeper qualities you are looking for. For example, saying that you want someone 'fine' can just be a signifier that you want someone who has enough respect for himself that he takes care of his appearance, his body, his health. Saying you want someone who is 6'4" could just be the way your mind equates hight and size with protection and security. 

Sure this may seem like reaching. I'm just playing devils advocate here. A lot of your choices are just shallow.

And also ask, are there too many? Are you narrowing the field entirely too much? You don't want your standards list to be 100 items long, that's just insane. Figure out which standards are must haves and which are just bonuses. If you get a guy with the must haves, who cares about the other things. 

So look at those standards. It is possible that they may be too high.  There may be too many requirements. But NEVER get rid of your standards. Honestly, I do believe that if you hold not only yourself, but your partner to a set of standards, the ones who truly want to be with you will match or exceed those expectations. I've always been told, by guys, that they'll be better for the woman they want to be better for. So that to me says that they have no problems reaching high expectations, it just has to be the right person for them too.  

I believe that your prince is out there. When it's time for him to reveal himself he will.  Just make sure all those standards aren't clouding your vision.

Got a question? Thoughts for a new blog post? Ask Me!!! Fill out the form under Ask Me Anything in the side bar and let me know what's on your mind.  I'll be sure to let you know what's on mine :D

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

You Asked, I Answered

Relationship Wrap-Up…

Q: After kicking dudes to the curb, when do you get to the point of evaluation? Are my standards to him or are these the frogs and my prince around the corner?

Let's tackle this question in the two parts it was asked in. First, 'after kicking dudes to the curb, when do you get to the point of evaluation?' (I'll address the second part in another post). I think that after the end of a relationship, emotions can be all over the place; especially depending on the reasons behind the breakup and the intensity and length of the relationship. So you first need to take some time for things to cool off and for your feelings to settle back to a 'normal' space. Then you should always do some type of evaluation or Relationship Wrap-Up. 

It's important to take a look at the relationship from the most objective space you can get yourself to before you start your evaluation. You need to be able to ask tough questions not only about the person you chose to be with, but also of yourself and your role in the problems the relationship faced.  

You need to evaluate every relationship for two reasons. 1) You need to be sure that you don't repeat old mistakes and 2) This will help provide you with some sense of closure. But if you do this Wrap-Up too soon after the break up your perspective will be skewed. You need to give yourself time to come out of it before you can objectively look back. That time can be different for everyone but you should always do this before a new relationship even starts to begin. 

Here are some questions I often ask myself:

1. Was this person good for me?
Outside of the things that made this relationship end, was this a good choice? Did they exhibit the qualities I know I'm looking for in a partner? Did they make me want to be a better person? Did they encourage me? Did they support my dreams? Were they caring? What attracted me to this person? etc.  Think of all the qualities you desire in a partner. And really focus in and think if this person was what you should have spent time on in the first place. You'll probably have some yes and no answers in this question. But the hope is to have more yays than nays. If the answers to your vital questions are favorable, then at least you can take away that you are at least able to attract the type of person you are 'looking' for. If the answers to those questions end up being no then you should ask yourself if those no's are deal breakers.

2. Am I displaying the qualities I am asking my partner to have?
This one is important for several reasons. You can't expect to get what you don't put out. If you're not hardworking and motivated, you can't expect someone who is focused and driven to be yours. If you're not spiritual, the person you attract may not be spiritual either. It's not to say that opposites don't attract. There are many occasions where we look for someone that exhibits the qualities we don't yet have, but desire to attain.  Or better yet, we look for someone that has the qualities that balance out our own.  Yin and Yang if you will. And there are several relationships that work that way. (As I'm writing this I'm realizing I'll have to go into detail on this in another post…but anyway). While there are many cases and situations where opposites attract, I am a firm believer in what you put out, you get back. So really look at yourself and be prepared to answer honestly. It's very hard to hold someone to standards you can't meet yourself.

3. What did I do to contribute to the end of the relationship?
There are quite a few occasions when the end of a relationship is not solely one person's fault. But regardless, relationships are two way streets. So even if the other person cheated on you or was terrible, you have to evaluate your role in all of this. What did you allow yourself to 'take' for the sake of being with that person? What did you 'allow' that was not acceptable? What did you or didn't you do to make the relationship better? Were you attentive to your partner's needs? Were you supportive? Were you trusting? Were you TOO trusting too soon? Were you moving too fast? Did you ignore some major red flags? etc. If you honestly answer these questions and you truly did nothing wrong, go back to question 1 and realize you're probably choosing the wrong type of person to spend your time with. And you really have to take a closer look at what attracted you to that person. If you found some flaws in your role as well, then good. You are now aware of some of the things you do that can hurt a relationship and in the future you can try not to repeat old bad habits.

4. What are my deal breakers now?
I'm sure by now we all know what deal breakers are in a relationship. Those are the qualities you just can't compromise on. Sometimes you don't know what a deal breaker for you is until you've been with somebody that exhibits the quality you don't (or do) care for. For me, after one of my relationships, I realized that education ended up being a deal breaker for me. I need to be with someone who has some type of higher level formal education. I didn't know it until I was with someone that didn't have any real type of higher level formal education. So after each relationship, look to see if there are any new deal breakers that came up. Do these trump your former deal breakers? Are your previous deal breakers still deal breakers?  

5. How can I avoid making the same mistakes in the future?
After all is looked at, you should have some answers to this last question. You've evaluated your ex-boo, you've evaluated yourself, you've evaluated the relationship and you should be able to come away with some good things and some bad things. You should have learned some lessons. Now you are aware of your behaviors, decision patterns and can try and use what you've learned in the next relationship. 

At the end of the Relationship Wrap-Up, there is one final thing that you should hope to be able to achieve: Closure. You should never attempt to enter into any new relationship with old open wounds. When you evaluate your old relationship, you should be able to find some peace within that ending and be ready to open yourself up to the new person who will enter your life.

After looking at these questions you should understand now why it's important to let the emotions from the last relationship cool off a bit before diving in. If you do this too soon, you won't find honest answers. And like I said, the timing of all of this truly depends on you and how long it takes to come back to a place of feeling 'normal' after a relationship has ended. So don't rush that process. Really allow yourself the time it takes to heal so to speak, before you move on. Otherwise instead of taking lessons learned into your next relationship, you'll just be carrying baggage.

Got a question? Thoughts for a new blog post? Ask Me!!! Fill out the form under Ask Me Anything in the side bar and let me know what's on your mind.  I'll be sure to let you know what's on mine :D

Monday, April 15, 2013

To Love Is To Suffer?

11:30 AM |

What is this love?

Consider this quote:

"If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. …Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."  Bob Marley

I am with him until he says "Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." This I just refuse to believe.  I've heard love is blind.  I've heard love is patient.  I've heard love is kind. I've never heard love is suffering. And I refuse to believe that love hurts.  Why should it?

Why have we allowed ourselves to accept love that makes us miserable? Why have we dismissed our own feelings and wants for the happiness of others? Why are we so willing to do so for someone who doesn't seem to care that we are suffering or appreciative of the sacrifice? I mean, is your self worth that low? When you make all these changes, force yourself to be someone you are not, you're basically allowing someone to tell you, who you are is not good enough. And to me that's not love.

To love is to compromise, sure. There are moments in love that can be challenging.  It's definitely not easy. But it's not to sacrifice. It's not supposed to be painful. It's not supposed to be full of fights and tears. I mean read the quote so many of you all love to have in your weddings from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Does it say suffer there? Does it say love is pain? Does it say love hurts? Does it say love is dismissive, insulting, belittling, or isolating? Even in the King Jame's version where the word "suffer" is actually mentioned. It doesn't mean that you actually suffer.  It means that it is long lasting, and tolerant, aka patient.

When you've given up so much of yourself to be with this other person, do they really love who you are, or who you're pretending to be? To be in love with someone you love them.  Who they are, at this very minute. You should never fall in love with the hopes of changing that person into someone you want them to be. And you should never fall in love with the person you wish they could be. You being who you are should make the person you are with, want to elevate themselves. And you should be supportive and encouraging of their efforts - never forceful or ultimative.

When I fall in love again and when someone falls in love with me, I want them to love me for who I am. Flaws and all. I want to be with someone that makes something inside of me want to be better, because I know they deserve the best of me. And I want that person to recognize my efforts and be appreciative and welcoming of them. I don't want to feel judged. I don't want to feel ashamed. I don't want to feel like I am losing my identity, my family, my friends, my way of live to fit into what they want of me. If I have to change everything about me, that doesn't mean they love me. Consider these lyrics:

I'm a host of imperfection 
And you see past all that 
I'm a peasant by some standards 
But in your eyes I'm a queen 
You see potential in all my flaws 
And that's exactly what I mean. 
I don't know why you love me 
And that's why I love you 
You catch me when I fall 
Accept me flaws and all 
And that's why I love you
-Beyoncé: Flaws and All

This to me is love. Not that other stuff you guys are getting in to. If that's too idealistic, to optimistic, to far-fetched, then keep your kind of love. Cause I can be miserable by myself.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Red Flags

7:30 AM |

Your girl's a bitch...

For ladies, they always say, look at how a man treats other people and you'll see his true nature. So depending on how rude he is to strangers, family, etc shows you his true nature beyond the dating mask he wears. Well today I'm passing along that advice to men.  Surely you all don't want to forever associate yourself with someone who is a terrible person. So it is time for you all to start looking at your girl's actions and see her true nature as well.

Is your girl a witch with a capital 'B'?

Women are a bit trickier to decipher.  Most women know that if we reveal too much of that demon dog side, we'll forever be branded with that name.  So those women who are truly 'female dogs' will do their best to cover it up. So instead it's revealed in smaller ways. We move in silence, subtleties, secrets, and innuendos. Our intentions and true feelings are shown in a quick flutter of the lashes, roll of the eye, side smiles, hugs, hand gestures, how she holds her head and laughs. So this is where you have to use your power of observation.  Because if you blink, you'll miss it.

So pay attention. Is she ALWAYS talking bad about strangers, friends, family over superficial things? Does she talk down to service workers? Never happy with any generous gesture, no matter how it comes (asked or donated)? Do her seemingly sincere words never match her facial expressions? Has she found ways to justify actions that you know just aren't right? Is she always following up a quick rude quip with the 'I'm just playing, you know I love you'? Learn your girl.  We all have a tell when we're being, I'll say - less than sincere. You just have to figure out what that is.  Then you have to decipher if she's just having a bad day, if she's just stuck up and conceited, lacks an overall moral compass or if she's truly a bitch.

So I'm sure somewhere the response is: why does this matter?  Really, right? Who cares?  Well you should. Because at some point, the more you become a bigger part of her life, the more her attention and bitchiness will be directed at you. I mean you can't very well assume that she won't treat you like trash when she treats EVERYONE like trash right? It's only a matter of time. Plus if you have witnessed her being super nice to this girl you know she absolutely hates, don't you think it's possible she's done something similar to you?

Of course not right? Cause she 'loves' you.....*rolls eyes, and smirks*

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

You Asked, I Answered

7:30 AM |

Asking someone out…

Q: 1)How many hints does a Stud (girl) or a man need to drop before asking a woman on a date? 2) how do you know the right time to ask someone on a date?

How many hints does a girl or man need to drop before asking a woman out on a date?  I don't know really. I'm not a big hint girl. I'll be honest. I'm slow. You just have to tell me you want to go out with me. I pass off hints as just playing, or harmless flirting.  If you want me to take you seriously, you really just have to come out and ask. And I can imagine there are a lot of other women out there like this too.

The thing with hints are, they leave too much up to the assumption of the other person. That person could be like me, who just doesn't take those hints as anything real or serious.  Or that person could be the opposite extreme and think any nice gesture could be a sign that the other wants something more. I think leaving too much up to innuendos just leaves too much room for error.  So if you want to take someone on a date, then just ask them.

But there is a part 2.  How do you know the right time to ask someone on a date?  This one is hard too. Is there ever a right time? Of course if the girl is crying on your shoulder immediately after breaking-up with the last one is the absolute WRONG time. Sometimes people always have something going on. There may never truly be a 'right' time. 

Instead of looking at the right time, I think what you have to do is make sure that a) if you ask that person out,  you have to be prepared if they say no - and yes - and what all of that could mean and b) if you're prepared to change the dynamics of what the relationship originally was. If you are thinking of asking out a friend, then I just say go with caution. The answers to the question could change the state of that friendship forever. Regardless of the answer. That to me I think is more important than the timing.

I don't think there will ever be any hints that will work, or any right time. If you want to date someone, then just ask them. It can be a bit scary and a bit unnerving, but you'll never know until you ask. Just try to have a game plan for whatever answer you receive.

Got a question? Thoughts for a new blog post? Ask Me!!! Fill out the form under Ask Me Anything in the side bar and let me know what's on your mind.  I'll be sure to let you know what's on mine :D