An honest dialogue about love, life, and everything in-between...

Monday, April 15, 2013

To Love Is To Suffer?

11:30 AM |

What is this love?

Consider this quote:

"If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. …Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."  Bob Marley

I am with him until he says "Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." This I just refuse to believe.  I've heard love is blind.  I've heard love is patient.  I've heard love is kind. I've never heard love is suffering. And I refuse to believe that love hurts.  Why should it?

Why have we allowed ourselves to accept love that makes us miserable? Why have we dismissed our own feelings and wants for the happiness of others? Why are we so willing to do so for someone who doesn't seem to care that we are suffering or appreciative of the sacrifice? I mean, is your self worth that low? When you make all these changes, force yourself to be someone you are not, you're basically allowing someone to tell you, who you are is not good enough. And to me that's not love.

To love is to compromise, sure. There are moments in love that can be challenging.  It's definitely not easy. But it's not to sacrifice. It's not supposed to be painful. It's not supposed to be full of fights and tears. I mean read the quote so many of you all love to have in your weddings from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Does it say suffer there? Does it say love is pain? Does it say love hurts? Does it say love is dismissive, insulting, belittling, or isolating? Even in the King Jame's version where the word "suffer" is actually mentioned. It doesn't mean that you actually suffer.  It means that it is long lasting, and tolerant, aka patient.

When you've given up so much of yourself to be with this other person, do they really love who you are, or who you're pretending to be? To be in love with someone you love them.  Who they are, at this very minute. You should never fall in love with the hopes of changing that person into someone you want them to be. And you should never fall in love with the person you wish they could be. You being who you are should make the person you are with, want to elevate themselves. And you should be supportive and encouraging of their efforts - never forceful or ultimative.

When I fall in love again and when someone falls in love with me, I want them to love me for who I am. Flaws and all. I want to be with someone that makes something inside of me want to be better, because I know they deserve the best of me. And I want that person to recognize my efforts and be appreciative and welcoming of them. I don't want to feel judged. I don't want to feel ashamed. I don't want to feel like I am losing my identity, my family, my friends, my way of live to fit into what they want of me. If I have to change everything about me, that doesn't mean they love me. Consider these lyrics:

I'm a host of imperfection 
And you see past all that 
I'm a peasant by some standards 
But in your eyes I'm a queen 
You see potential in all my flaws 
And that's exactly what I mean. 
I don't know why you love me 
And that's why I love you 
You catch me when I fall 
Accept me flaws and all 
And that's why I love you
-Beyoncé: Flaws and All

This to me is love. Not that other stuff you guys are getting in to. If that's too idealistic, to optimistic, to far-fetched, then keep your kind of love. Cause I can be miserable by myself.