An honest dialogue about love, life, and everything in-between...

Standards...

Q: After kicking dudes to the curb, when do you get to the point of evaluation? Are my standards to him or are these the frogs and my prince around the corner?

I answered part one of this question here. So let's take a look at part 2. I'm assuming the last part of that question should read "Are my standards to high or are these the frogs and my prince is around the corner?" 

Ahhh 'standards'.  As a woman…and as a woman of a certain age…and as a woman of a certain age and of a specific race, I can't even count the number of times I have been asked about my standards. Not only being asked about them, but being told that they are too high and that the should be lowered. And I do mean lowered. There are a lot of self help gurus out there that talk about adjusting and changing, but really a lot of times they do mean lowering. My question immediately is…why? What for? Am I wrong for wanting something more? Am I wrong for having high expectations? Should I just lower myself to be with a man? *Add in all the neck rolls and finger pointing and eye rolling you want…*

Pause. I'm getting defensive.  Let me regroup….

Back to this question.  In order to ask if your standards are too high, you must first ask, are you meeting these standards yourself?  There is no way possible you can expect your man to reach some arbitrary standards you aren't even able to reach. If this is the case, then yes, you need to not only reevaluate the qualities you are looking for, but you need to reevaluate the qualities you offer. 

And as you move through life those standards should change.  What you were looking for at 21 should not be the same things you're looking for at 31 and should not be the same things you're looking for at 41.  We grow up. We change. We make progress. We achieve goals and reach new levels of success. And therefore what we require at every phase of our life changes based on that phase. If what you're looking for hasn't evolved since the 11th grade, you need to update that list.

Next you need to look at what your standards are? Are they shallow and self-serving? Or are they deep and meaningful? Is your list of deal breakers full of superficial things or is it more about character and personality?  If you look at your list of requirements and see that it is full of potentially shallow things, then you need to really think about adjusting that list. It is completely possible that those 'shallow' things are just glimpses into some deeper qualities you are looking for. For example, saying that you want someone 'fine' can just be a signifier that you want someone who has enough respect for himself that he takes care of his appearance, his body, his health. Saying you want someone who is 6'4" could just be the way your mind equates hight and size with protection and security. 

Sure this may seem like reaching. I'm just playing devils advocate here. A lot of your choices are just shallow.

And also ask, are there too many? Are you narrowing the field entirely too much? You don't want your standards list to be 100 items long, that's just insane. Figure out which standards are must haves and which are just bonuses. If you get a guy with the must haves, who cares about the other things. 

So look at those standards. It is possible that they may be too high.  There may be too many requirements. But NEVER get rid of your standards. Honestly, I do believe that if you hold not only yourself, but your partner to a set of standards, the ones who truly want to be with you will match or exceed those expectations. I've always been told, by guys, that they'll be better for the woman they want to be better for. So that to me says that they have no problems reaching high expectations, it just has to be the right person for them too.  

I believe that your prince is out there. When it's time for him to reveal himself he will.  Just make sure all those standards aren't clouding your vision.

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