An honest dialogue about love, life, and everything in-between...

Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy New Year

11:47 PM |

Well guys. It's almost 2013. Another year down. Hopefully you spent your day doing things you enjoyed because they say how you spend New Years Eve day is what you spend the entire year doing. And I believe it. Last year I spend the day writing and making jewelry and that's what I've been doing all year.

Next year, I don't have any resolutions. I only have goals. Things I want to be sure to do in 2013. So hopefully I'll accomplish some things instead of just making empty promises to myself.

So people. 2013 is upon us. I hope you all have a great new year. Accomplish everything you want. Put in the work and I'm sure you'll get it.

For me. 2012 sucked a big one. I mean the biggest, fattest one. So I'm glad to see it go. Will it be better next year? Only time will tell.


Monday, December 24, 2012

Fa-La-La-La Meh

10:17 PM |

Typically during Christmas Eve, I will butcher the holiday hits and write my own version of a classic.  However this year....I'm not quite feeling it.  Maybe it's because its been so warm here. Not really sure, but the Christmas spirit hasn't really hit me this year. Hopefully I'll feel different in the morning.  While I don't feel the spirit to remix a holiday song this year, I do have the words to a song that I think is very apropos for this year:

Someday at Christmas men won't be boys 
Playing with bombs like kids play with toys 
One warm December our hearts will see 
A world where men are free 

 Someday at Christmas there'll be no wars 
When we have learned what Christmas is for 
When we have found what life's really worth 
There'll be peace on earth 

 Someday all our dreams will come to be 
Someday in a world where men are free 
Maybe not in time for you and me 
But someday at Christmastime 

 Someday at Christmas we'll see a land 
With no hungry children, no empty hand 
One happy morning people will share 
Our world where people care 

 Someday at Christmas there'll be no tears 
All men are equal and no men have fears 
One shining moment, one prayer away 
From our world today 

 Someday all our dreams will come to be 
Someday in a world where men are free 
Maybe not in time for you and me 
But someday at Christmastime 

 Someday at Christmas man will not fail 
Hate will be gone and love will prevail 
Someday a new world that we can start 
With hope in every heart 

 Someday all our dreams will come to be 
Someday in a world where men are free 
Maybe not in time for you and me 
But someday at Christmastime 
Someday at Christmastime

Well said Mr. Wonder.  Well said.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Festivus, Happy Hanukkah,  Happy Any and Everything you celebrate.  See you as we approach 2013.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Having A Plan B

7:30 AM |

You can still succeed...

This is a bit of a side bar for a second, but I feel the need to somehow come to the aid of the concept of having a Plan B in life.  People seem to attack this idea as if it means you'll fail at Plan A.  And that taking your eyes off Plan A will most certainly ensure that you will never succeed at Plan A.

People, Plan A is just a route - it's not the goal.  Think about it this way:  You're going home for the holidays.  Home is your goal for the trip.  Plan A may include driving.  But maybe there's traffic on the main highways that are causing major delays.  What do you do? Give up?  Say you failed?  Stay on this main street and take what could be additional HOURS on your travel time? Or do you look in your navigation system and find an alternate route?  It could be a bit more inconvienet, it could have a few more turns and stops, but ultimately, you'll make it.  This is the concept you should have when considering your Plan B. The goal didn't change, but the way you got there did.

And this concept does work with everything.  For some people the ultimate goal with dating is to eventually find someone you can spend the rest of your life with.  Plan A may be to meet someone in school.  Plan B may be to meet someone at work.  Plan C may be to have your friends introduce you to someone.  Plan D may be to have your family introduce you.  Plan E may be online dating.  I could go on for days, but the point is, if you want to be married, there are several tracks you can take in dating and how to date, to get you there. Same thing with your career goals.  Want to be a CEO, self employed, whatever it is.  There are several ways to get there.

I write this to mostly because people get so focused on the route and forget that ultimately they're trying to reach a goal.  The plan is just that - a plan. It can change, it can grow and it can even fail.  This is life.  Very few things go the way we plan.  But that doesn't mean you can't reach your goal. You just have to be flexible enough to take the opportunities that are presented to you that will help you get there.  Not just focus on your initial idea or plan. Because if you reach your goal, why does it matter how you've gotten there?  Wether it was your first plan or your 30th.  You made it right?

Monday, December 17, 2012

Moment of Simple

WHAT!!! WHAT!!!!

Friday, December 14, 2012

Not A Good Look

7:30 AM |

Put some damn shoes on....

I know it's been a moment since I've posted a Not A Good Look post, but after driving home today and seeing what I saw, I felt it was time for another installment. What I saw was a young 'man'? maybe? walking his/her dog down my neighborhood street in a black beater and shorts and NO shoes. Now, it's not the time, place or weather for either of those items individually.  Seeing it all together almost made me roll down my window and ask what the hell was going on. It's all wet and winter outside and what not. I know it's like 54 degrees but it's December yo!

Ok my melanin reduced brothers and sisters, we need to have a meeting.  Why are you all obsessed with walking around public places with no shoes on??? Your girl Brittany was in public bathrooms with no shoes. You guys are all in the parking lots, stores and gas stations sometimes, just prancing around like it's just the thing to do. I mean come on! I know it's the south but COME ON!

I mean sure I'll take off my shoes at work from time to time when my shoes get the best of me.  I may even go into my drive way or if I had a yard, my yard with no shoes on.  But you will not see me strolling down a public thoroughfare in my naked footies!

There are germs out there!! You don't know what's on that street!!  All kinds of dirt, grime, ashes, vomit and animal piddle residue your just strolling on, on your porous skin. Then you track all that ish into your house.  Some of you don't even wash your feet after so that gets all on your carpets, sofa....IN YOUR BED! Oh my goodness you germy, germy people!!! *Professor Locs freak out - spray - spray everything!!! Red Alert! Red Alert!*

This is beyond Not A Good Look.  Just STOP IT! STOP IT! You ground zero resus monkeys....gonna infect us all!!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The Power Move

Why she does what she does...

Going through the positions in a relationship hierarchy, there are so many that just aren't favorable.  And let's be honest, most women that you're dealing with, fellas, want to be the only one, the main chic, the girlfriend, the wifey, and sometimes ultimately the wife.  No woman truly wants to be a member of the harem, the jump-off, or the other woman forever.  Some don't even want to be just the friend either.  So in order to advance in the system, they'll do what I call the power move.

The power move will be some gesture or gestures that are not congruent with their current position.  They'll start to go a little bit farther, show you a little more attention, give you a few more things, treat you better and better each time you see them.  They'll be more understanding than usual, more courteous of your time and feelings. They'll do things for you that will be surprising considering how you've treated her. It'll be those things that will make you stop and say "Wow, that was nice of her"  or "That's odd, why would she do that when she knows I don't see her like that" or my favorite "I never gave her any idea that this was anything more than it was.  Why would she do that?"  

You may think that it's odd or strange for her to all of a sudden start giving you stuff or doing stuff for you.  But what she's really trying to do is separate herself from the harem.  She wants to show you what a relationship could be like if you were to spend more time with her.  Give you reasons why she's the best pick out of your starting line up.  So when you do actually start to think about settling down and deciding which situation you'd like to take a crack at, she has more things tipping the scale in her favor.

After a few weeks or months (or sometimes even years) of this extra attention, if you don't start giving the extra attention back to her, in whatever manner she's expecting, she'll realize it's not working.  She may even realize that there could potentially be another girl in your harem doing more.  So she steps up her game.  Does even more. Sometimes taking the attention to a point where she almost begins to look foolish. And if all her extra efforts still yield no return, that's when you'll see the flip out.  

When she flips out it's pretty much over. She'll truly start 'tripping'. Crying, making ultimatums, carrying on about all the things she does for you and how you just don't care.  Totally melting down into a complete mess.  Meanwhile you're sitting there with that dumb look on your face.  Confused as hell as to where all of this is coming from. Once it hits this point, if you have game and you want to keep her around, you'll probably be able to wheel her back in. She's already invested too much time and effort into you to leave now. Do that slick talk you do, calm her down and things will go back to normal (for a while).  If you don't have any game.  It's a wrap.  She's gone.  Nothing you can do about it. If you don't want her around, great, you've managed to make her give you an out.  You now no longer have to figure out how to break it off.

Don't get it twisted guys.  It may seem strange and unprovoked, but that bird in your flock knows exactly what's she's doing. 

Monday, December 10, 2012

Moment of Simple


Friday, December 7, 2012

Why Guys Aren't Finding the Good Girls

10:28 AM |

It's probably your fault...

I can't tell you how many guys I've met that tell me they just can't seem to find a nice/good girl.  My response is usually, CHIL PLEASE (in my best Chad Ochocinco voice).  I'm going to be totally honest.  If you haven't been able to find a good girl, the problem is YOU. No honestly.  Based on shear population numbers, you guys, fellas, men, have a higher probability of encountering good girls than girls have of encountering good guys.  So if you haven't been able to find one, it's probably because:

I'm just going to go out there an say, many of what you guys like visually is just a pretty casing holding together a whole bunch of mess.  You know those stereotypical pretty girls. The chics that look like the video girls. The wanna-be model type chics. The girls who look like the girls in the magazines.  That's what you like.  And you can say no all you want, but I can promise you that if a magazine type chic and a natural beauty type chic (meaning your every day pretty girl) walk into a room 95% of the men in there are looking to go after that model type, cosmetically enhanced, chic. I've seen it, over and over again.

The reason why many of these girls are not your good girl is because of the fact that they are pretty.  They know they're pretty and society has been giving them things and excusing their bad behavior all their lives because they're pretty.  Think about it.  Cute kids get a pass on being jerks or annoying because they're cute.  They grow into cute pre-teens who can get out of trouble because they don't look like the type to be involved in bad things.  They grow up into cute teenagers who can turn heads and get the boys to do their homework because they're cute.  They grow up into cute women who can get free drinks and nice dinners and other things because they're cute.  And because they've been able and allowed to get by on just their looks alone, they don't' have to develop any kind of personality to get the things they want out of life.  

These shiny chics often come with a mass of insecurities, and high maintenance costs.  And if you cannot provide her with what she wants, when she wants, how she wants, she knows that because she's shiny, there are plenty of other guys out there willing to give her what she wants.  Meaning that she doesn't have to even attempt to try and work things out, or be kind to you if she doesn't want to.  You won't give her what she wants, fine, Jo-Jo around the block will.  And she'll go get him.

This doesn't mean that good girls are all mud-ducks nor does it mean that your model type chic can't also be a good girl.  All I'm saying is that many times your visual 'type' may be the reason why you can't find a good girl. Take a closer look at the girls around you.  Your 'friends'.  The girls who have always been there for you.  The girl that you may not normally initially holler at.  I bet if you give her a second look you'll see that she may be the one you're actually looking for.

This is in part the good girl's issue.  Many times, the good girl isn't down for the game play.  She doesn't have time for all the flirting, back and forth, who calls when and how soon, game play.  She's too busy, got too many things to do than to sit around playing. She can often be too certain of what she wants that's she's too direct and up front.  For some guys this can be a major turn off.  

Ladies, sometimes our directness is just too much.  It comes off too masculine, too dominating, too rough.  Men need to feel like a man.  And if you're the one doing all the advances, making all the decisions, stepping into that traditional man role, you often won't get that man. That's not to say you can't be forthcoming with what you want.  Nor does it mean that you have to be a damsel in distress or weak. You just don't have to hit them with it all up front. 

That doesn't mean you should be easy either. Sometimes guys like a bit of a hunt or challenge.  They want to feel like they've won something when they get a girl.  No man wants a girl that's just easy.  And those truly easy girls get used for what easy girls are used for.  Sometimes, the chase is the fun part.  That's where all the courting happens.  So we just have to learn to flirt a little more.  Charge it to the game *Kanye shrug*

But fellas, don't discount this girl.  She may seem like she's just eager to please or too stand-offish but deep down inside she's a keeper.  With her you'll find no confusing arguments, no hidden innuendoes.  She can be a bit more rational, willing to talk things out versus throwing objects at your head.  In general, because she's up front and open, there's no drama.  So think about giving her a chance.

This is simple. A lot of times the reason why you don't have or can't get a good girl, is because you're not willing to do the work to get or keep her.  (That'll be the guy that didn't even make it to this point in the article). Many good girls will be respectful of their minds and their bodies.  They won't just let any man run all up and through her.  You have to prove that you are worthy of her sharing herself with you. When she does, it'll be quite possibly the most amazing experience of your life. But most of you don't want to do all of that.  Period.

Sometimes, if you avoid all of the usual trappings of what gets men caught up with the wrong women and you still haven't been able to find a good girl, the problem could be you.  So it may be time for some inner reflection.  Some alone time.  Some time for self-discovery and exploration.  You have to look deep within yourself and find out what it is about you, what you keep putting out there, that attracts all the busted babies. By evaluating what you do, what you offer, what you put out, you may just find the reason why you can't find a good girl.

I'm just saying…

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Thug Love

8:00 AM |

What women see in the bad boy….

Let me just say that I love a nice guy.  I think you guys get a bad rap and get overlooked just as much as the nice girl does.  (Sometimes you nice guys overlook the nice girl too).  But there are a few qualities that the bad boys have that many women are attracted to and that most 'nice guys' just don't have or display I should say.  

No woman wants a bitch. What I mean by that is, no woman wants a man that will just bend to her every whim with no fight, no resistance, no debate.  Women like a man that has a backbone.  That has his own ideas, goals, interests and is strong enough and open enough to share them with her.  Women like a man who has his own principles and who can stand up for them when the time calls for it.  Sometimes women need to be told when they are going too far.  I don't care what she says.  

If I wanted something to obey my every command, I'd get a dog.  

There is something very sexy about a man who can stand on his own two feet, command attention in a crowded room, and is secure enough in who he is to let you know who he is. I think what many 'nice guys' do is let the woman take the lead.  They don't want to appear as dominating, disrespectful of her ideas, or inattentive to her her needs so they often just, I hate to say it this way, bow down.  That's something that your 'bad boy'/jerk won't do. Nice guys often ignore what they want and need, or don't truly know how to ask for it in an effort to make sure they're giving their woman everything she needs. This often can make nice guys appear passive instead of respectful and caring like they intended to portray themselves. 

Some women like a more thug guy because he displays the potential for two things: protection and providing.  Many thugs have this hustler mentality.  Meaning that if he needs it, wants it, doesn't have it, he's going to go get it.  And there's not a whole lot that can be done to stop him from getting it.  While it may be in a non-legal, messed up sort of way, what a woman is attracted to is that 'go-get it' spirit.  In other words, drive.  

Many of you nice guys have that drive, but because of what I mentioned before, that apparent lack of backbone or passiveness, you don't really show it.  You don't want to appear boastful, or conceded.  Many of you, because you are successful or are on your way to being successful, can come off as a bit complacent.  Too calm, too patient, too wait and see. Mostly because you're secure in your skills and talent and truly know, not believe, you'll get there. But women don't only want to hear how you're trying to move up, or how you plan to be a provider, they also want to be able to see your progress.  Because of this you are going to have to find ways to prove to her that you can be that provider and that you do have that go-get it mentality.  How you do that is up to you.  But you can't just be all talk.  

The thug also comes off as a guy who will not take any mess.  He will not be disrespected and will not let anyone that runs with him be disrespected either.  That often can make a woman feel like she will be protected.  Women need to know that if things get rough, stuff pops off, you as the man will be there to protect her from harm.  And because many of you nice guys don't often come off that way (because of that whole initial issue - see how it all circles back to that) you get left behind.  

Now I'm not saying that you jump up to every man that starts something or go looking for fights.  Protection isn't always that.  Sometimes it can be as simple as fixing something that she needs fixed yourself.  Moving her to the inside of the sidewalk and you walk by the street.  Letting her precede you as you walk up the stairs with your hand lightly on the small of her back, showing her that you'll be there to catch her if she wobbles or falls. Holding her hand as you guide her through a crowd. Not letting your friends get too disrespectful or rowdy around her if you see she's uncomfortable.  Taking her side in a debate, supporting her point (if you agree with it), in a group discussion. There are small gestures and ways you can show her that you've got her back.  

As a nice guy you have to find a way to show her that you are respectful, considerate, and concerned about her needs while remembering to still showcase all of the qualities that make you a MAN. Once you're able to really walk that balance, then the nice guy will no longer finish last.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Thank You Single Black

7:30 AM |

For the mention among the best...

So every now and then I go through the stats on my blog dashboard just to see what my traffic looks like from time to time. I like to see what you guys are reading and what topics seem to perk your interest.  And I also like to see what my referring sites are - basically how you guys are finding me. I noticed I had a new stream of people coming from the website

Now if you're not quite familiar with this site, I say tisk tisk. I've been reading this blog for a few years (I mean how can I not considering what I write about).  It's a great site with really insightful articles about relationships through the eyes of black men. (Intelligent too--none of that random ignorant mess you can often find floating across the top of the blog ponds).  This blog has won awards that lead them to land them a spot on Ebony Magazine’s 2011 Power 100 list, and a feature on Black Enterprise as a part of their 2012 Black Bloggers Month celebration. Some of the writers have even made appearances on the Michael Baisden and Tom Joyner radio shows. *snap*snap*

That being said, I followed the link back to see exactly how and why people are getting to me from and I found that they have included me in their list of The Best Black Blogs and Websites to Read in 2013!  How great is that! I'm totally excited. And quite surprised (mostly because--you know---the whole disillusioned thing). I read it like 3 times, keep going back like - am I sure I read what I just read? Yea I did! Okay...okay....okaaaayyyyy!!!!

And yes, you should be reading me in 2013.  New year.  New work schedule.  Much more time on my hands and more of your issues to address in only the way I can - bluntly: no salt, no lime, straight tequila burn.

So thank you authors of Single Black Male for the nod and stamp of approval. It is really appreciated. And welcome to those of you who are new to Confessions of a Disillusioned Black Girl.  I hope you enjoy your visit and look forward to exchanging ideas with you.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Moment of Simple


Friday, November 30, 2012

'Shiny Object' Syndrome

Why some good men fall...

I was reading an amazing book by Alease Michelle McClenningham called Greatness is in the Comeback.  This book is all about rediscovering your purpose and developing an action plan to help move you into fulfilling that purpose. (A total generalized summary, but pick up the book, it's a good one).  Anyway, in the book she says that sometimes the reason people get distracted or can't focus on what they're supposed to be doing is because they have Shiny Object Syndrome: bouncing from one big idea, task, event, to the next without spending dedicated time to developing an idea to its full potential.  (Or something like that - haven't finished the book yet - but none the less follow me here).

While I was pondering, wondering, being baffled by, some of the bad relationship/partner decisions some people make, it brought me back to this idea of the Shiny Object Syndrome.  Essentially, how people use this as a distraction, hiding what is true and real about themselves, how seemingly good people end up with the wrong partner, and how good people can get 'caught up' in a bad situation.

I think men are the largest sufferers from this syndrome.  Think of all the bs men will put up with from a woman if she's 'shiny'.  In other words, if the woman is what he considers beautiful (shiny), they'll put up with more crazy, more lying, more drama.  They'll excuse her shortcomings (she's stupid, got too many kids by too many different guys, she can't cook, she can't clean, totally plastic - she can't really do anything but be cute).  

Now, the women who have all these shortcomings know this.  They know that men are visual and use this to their advantage.  Therefore, they spend the most time shining themselves up.  They weave it out, push it up, slather it on, trend it, spend it, until they are what most men find attractive.  Unfortunately for most women who use this to secure a man, the syndrome will leave them high and dry once a new shinier object crosses that man's path.  Remember, these women have no substance, so there's nothing to keep that man from following the next shiny object.  Even if she manages to 'trap' him. (And you all know what I mean by 'trap').

This syndrome is also the power weapon of the predatory chic.  She uses it to her advantage to lure good guys away from doing what they know is right with their big head, towards what the little head thinks it wants.  The predatory chic knows that with just the right combination of shiny, lowered inhibitions, and temptation, she can lure any good guy into her trap.  Thereby being part of the reason why good men can get caught up in cheating situations. Which is why I encourage guys NOT to put themselves into the situation in the first place. But we'll discuss the predatory chic at a later date.

Shiny Object Syndrome is real people.  Distractions are a part of life. But there should always come a point where we start focusing on what is truly good for us, and what we need, not only what we want. Ask yourself: Do you want to be in a serious relationship?  What do you really and truly want and need from a partner?  Is this person you are spending all this time with actually meeting your qualifications?  What are your qualifications?  We have to make sure we stay focused on what it is we are truly out here looking for.  With just a little bit of effort and careful risk-management, anyone can overcome the Shiny Object Syndrome. 

Monday, November 26, 2012

Know Your Role: The Harem Chick

10:08 AM |

One of many...

Originally when I began exploring the roles women play in men's dating lives, I came up with the four roles: Wifey/Girlfriend, Other Woman, Jump-off, Friend.  I forgot completely about the Harem Chick.  

The Harem Chick is one of many a guy is currently dating.  Truthfully, this role isn't really  bad one.  When you date, and truly date, you could be dating several people at one time.  As long as none of you have decided to date exclusively, there is nothing wrong with this role.  Now the number of women men juggle is a topic for a whole 'nother conversation.

In essence the Harem Chick is a girl a guy is interested in.  This is the starting level, the launching point into one of the other main roles, if you will.  Right now you just truthfully don't have one of the main titles yet.  You may never make it to be one of the main title ladies, but at least the guy is interested in you enough to spend time with you and get to know you better.  Like I said, this is a good thing.  You're actually dating!

Now how you behave while you are a part of the harem will determine what role you land in once he does decide to get serious or begin handing out assignments.  If you've managed to capture his heart out of all the other ladies, congratulations, you'll be promoted to the Wifey/Girlfriend position.  

If you are still very special to him, but not quite offering everything that one of the other ladies are (and he's greedy) he'll move you to the Other Woman position.  If he's not greedy, you'll probably land into that awkward friend position that will either be terminated for the good of his current relationship, be the rebound if said relationship goes belly up or be the 'what-if' homegirl, best friend you want to do the nasty with but never do because the two of you respect each other's relationship-the very definition of why men and women are said to not be able to just be friends. 

If you spend a majority of your time in the harem on your back or knees, congratulations to you, you are and will probably forever be the Jump-off. (Get up off the floor). 

And if the two of you connect but there's not as much chemistry as he has with other girls, the two of you are just moving in different directions, want different things out of life or if there's not really any sexual fire between the two of you at all, you are now his Friend/Homegirl. Or you could just be cut from the roster all together and the two of you will never speak again.

Like I said, every man and woman starts off in this role when you first begin dating.  It's very rare that you 'date' just one person at a time in the very beginning.  And truthfully, why limit yourself in the beginning. If you plan to be sexually active with all these people (wouldn't recommend it), then hey boo, do you.  But do you safely and protected.  

There are so many people in this world to get to know.  Find people you share common interests with, spend time with them, get to know them, and then decide who you'd like to begin developing a deeper connection with.  Who knows, spending more time in this role could help you out if you were to move into one of the other positions. The two of you will have actually taken the time to get to know one another before making a commitment.  And truthfully, I think that's really what more people need to do. 

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Disappearing Acts

Why your friends 'disappear' when you get a new boo…

So you're in love.  You've got a new boo thang and things are going great.   You two laugh together.  Share common interest.  Everything is just wonderful.  One day you look around and realize all of your friends you had before your relationship seem to have all but disappeared.  Where did they go? 

You're first reaction will probably be that they're haters.  They are jealous of your relationship and are not talking to you because they want what you have. 


As a friend that has been banished out of the coupledom kingdom I can tell you that the hater explanation is truly rare.  And if your friends really are jealous and hating on your relationship, your friendship wasn't that strong to begin with. Honestly, most of your friends are really happy that you have someone to love.  They're happy that you're happy.  If your friends have backed away it's usually because:

You Only Do Couple Things
A lot of times, friends who have boo's only hang out with other friends that have boo's.  So if you don't have one, you're left out of a lot of the activities.  Never-mind trying to help out the single friends!  Have mixers with your boo's single friends in hopes to help your singles become new couples?  NOOO! You just leave them out in the cold. And though you're single friends are flying solo, they can still be invited over for cookouts, birthdays, and game nights. We're not predators.  We're not going to use our single wiles to lure your boo's away. You don't only have to invite other couples! Sad thing is, most of you don't even realize you're leaving out your single friends. 

You've Gotten Annoying
Let's just be honest.  Many of you new couples are annoying.  With your baby talk, your constant attached to the hip-ness, and the public displays of affection. All you do is talk to each other and about each other while staring in each other's eyes.  Nothing else and no one else matters. Sometimes you two just make your single friends feel like the third wheel. Sorry. We're happy you're happy but no one wants to be around all of that.   

Your Relationship Needs Time To Grow - You Don't Need Us Like That Anymore
Friends know that in order for a relationship to flourish, you have to step back a bit.  Let the two of them spend time together and get to know each other.  Things that you all used to do together as a group of friends now become more activities for you and your sweetie.  For example, there's no need to call up your friends every Friday night to see what they're doing when you and your new partner can do things together.  Instead of checking out the newest movie premiere with your best friend, you take your new boo.  Going to dinner?  Take your girlfriend.  Staying in and chilling?  Call your boyfriend.  

Ultimately, the things that you used to do with your friends now become couple activities.  That's not a bad thing.  However both the friend and the one in the relationship have to remember to reach out to one another every now and then to keep the friendship strong. Both have to make it a point to continue to talk and do things together so neither feel neglected.

As a friend on the outskirts, I have admittedly not reached out as much as I should just because I automatically assume that my friends are with their partner. And for the most part they usually are.  So I think that if they were available they'd reach out to me.  At the same time I know that my friends are wondering where I've gone, and why I don't call or invite them out as much as I used to.  I think as the friend in an effort to be respectful to the relationship we can pull away too much and put too much of the responsibility on the friend in the relationship to reach out.  At the same time, I think the person in the relationship has to work a lot harder to reach back to the friends and make that space in their lives for them.

In general both the friend and the friend in the relationship need to find a balance between giving space and being around. Both have to make special time for one another to keep the friendship alive. To be honest, most of that responsibility is going to fall on the friend in the relationship.  You have more things to work around.  You're time is going to be a bit more restricted than the single friend.  If you're friend calls you up more than a few times and you're always saying 'Oh I'm out with such-and-such' or 'Oh me and blah-blah-blah' already have plans, the less your friend will call you. The more comfortable you make your friends with the fact that you still want to hang out with them, the more the friends will be willing to call you.  

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Say Something

1:00 PM |

Telling your girl about her man...

So you have some information about your friend's man.  Maybe he's got another girl on the side.  Maybe he's talking bad about her in public.  Maybe you had a one time fling with him long before they got together.  Maybe you had a fling with him while they were together not knowing they were a  couple. Wether it's an opinion or information, you have something that you know about her man that she does not. What do you do?  Do you tell? Or do you keep your mouth shut?

It is entirely possible for you to decide not to get involved.  If things seem to be going good for her and her man, then why rock the boat. She seems happy. Saying anything could make you just seem like a hater. It could be taken in completely the wrong context and she could totally get mad at you for something that's not entirely your fault or your problem.  So while it may be important for you to be a good friend and be totally honest, saying anything to her might do more harm than good.

On the other hand, if information comes out later and it is discovered that you knew the entire time, you could still be in hot water.  If you do have some secret about her man, he could use that against you- blackmail. He could make your role in anything seem more deceptive and dirty than it actually was. She'll feel like you were lying to her.  She could think you were allowing her to be played for a fool.  Friends are supposed to look out for one another right? How could you do that to her?

In my opinion, the latter is worse than the former.  I would much rather be as up front and as honest with my friends as I need to be.  I refuse to have anything out there that could potentially be used against me.  And I most certainly do not want to be perceived as a liar by my good friends. If you were indeed my friends, then you would know that I would never say or do anything to intentionally hurt.  I would always have your best interest at heart and nothing I would say would be me being a hater.  And if I was being a hater, I'd tell you.  I've done it before.  I would hope my friend would know me better and that if I ever had information that I really needed to share with my friend that they would take it as it were intended.

So in the end, I say: Say something.  It's better to deal with the repercussions now than let something that didn't need to build up explode on you and your friendship later.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Off To A Good Start

12:00 PM |

Have you set yourself up for failure?

Can a relationship survive if it was started or built from a 'not good' situation? If the two of you weren't totally honest in the beginning, does your relationship have a chance to go the distance? If one was on the rebound, the other transitioning from the jump-off, could their relationship be lasting? Can you find perfection out of an imperfect situation?

I think it's very hard to build a solid foundation on rocky ground. Those things that you chose to ignore to start a relationship, have ways of sneaking back in later on down the line.  If you got with your man while he was still involved with another woman, in the back of your mind you will always be wondering if he is to be trusted.  If you are fresh out of a relationship and you just jump right into another one, you run the risk of throwing all of the old baggage and unleashing all the unresolved issues from the past relationship onto your new boo. Things you attempt to ignore instead of resolve have a way of embedding themselves into your subconsciousness. These things will sneak up on you when you least expect them to.  They'll cause you to overreact to every day, average annoyances. They fester.

When a relationship is young, it's supposed to be exciting, new and fresh. In this whole 'getting to know you' period, you should be eager and happy to learn more about the person you are spending time with. A new relationship shouldn't be filled with heavy arguments, frustration, suspicion and distrust. The bond you two are attempting to build hasn't had time to develop yet.  It's not strong enough to withstand all of this. Thus when the first sign of adversity rears its head, new relationships often tumble if they weren't built on a solid foundation to begin with.

In general I think if you don't start of right, you greatly reduce the chances of survival. If it doesn't seem like it's the right time to enter into a relationship with someone, trust your instincts.  It's better to wait until the time is right than to rush and ruin the chance of it ever happening.

Interested Signal #2.....

To continue the discussion we started with the first post, we're going to talk about another HUGE way a woman shows that she's interested in a man.

---Interested Signal #2---
She Returns Your Calls

If a girl is truly interested in you, you'll hear from her.  No matter how busy she is.  It may not be long drawn out conversations every time.  It may not even be during normal hours.  But if she's feeling you, she'll return your calls, texts, IMs. There is not a single woman I know, who will not find some way, any way, to talk to a guy she's feeling.  

No one I know is busy all day.  They may have a busy day/busy life, but they're not busy all day. They take bathroom breaks.  Eat.  Walk to a car.  Ride an elevator. Turn in to go to sleep. There are moments where they can slip in a simple "I'm thinking of you/I got your message/Hi" text or quick phone call. There are even apps that let you leave a voice mail so that if you wanted to call during an hour when you know he may be asleep you can find a way to do that without disturbing you.  All these ideas of playing hard to get and making him chase you go out the window.  Sure we will try not to be OVERLY available.  But you will hear from us.  That is a promise.

Girls who don't call back, who don't respond when you want to get together are not interested.  A lot of times you can be a really nice guy and she may just not be feeling you in that way.  Not knowing how to tell you that without seeming like a bitch is what often leads a girl to be 'sometimey'.  Some times she talks to you.  Some times she doesn't.  Some times she responds.  Some times she doesn't.  

One of the surest ways to know that a girl isn't really interested is if you talk to her, discuss hanging out, then when the day comes to actually hang out she's no where to be found.  You know she's not busy.  She's told you that.  But alas, she's seemed to all but vanish.  Not saying that she's stood you up technically.  Because what will not have happened in that last conversation will be any concrete plans made.  You guys will just discuss what you may want to do, but she'll be gone when it's time to set the definite plans.  I'll admit it, I've done that move myself.  For me, it was just easier than saying I don't like you like that. I feel it was less harsh to just go missing than to actually come out and say the words. It's wrong. I know it. And If necessary I'd do it again.

Bottom line, people make time for who and what they want to make time for.  No matter how busy they are. So if they're not getting back to you, it's not because they can't "find" the time, they just don't want to make the time.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Random Thought

12:00 PM |

Heard this one too many times...

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Sweaty Hoes

1:21 PM |

Sweetie, you stink...

Can you believe there are women out there that believe every man is sweating them?  I mean, this girl is just so fine that no man, gay, straight, married, single, can resist her.  They call her all the time. Text her non stop.  Always want to come by and see her.  She is just the like your girl Tamar Braxton would say.  And we know this about this girl because she feels the need to always tell us.


Girl please. I can't stand a sweaty hoe.  Anything a guy does, even if it's a polite gesture, means they want her.  She exchanges eye-contact with a guy: he's sweating her.  Man opens the door for her: he's sweating her.  A guy gives her a simple compliment: he's sweating her. SHE gives a guy her phone number, tells him to call and when he does: he's sweating her.  SHE continues to call guys, flirt with guys, reciprocate their advances: he's sweating her.

It's quite obvious that this girl is just jocking for attention.  And it's not from the guys. Sure she'll probably say things like this in front of men, with a small hope of them admiring her prowess - curious to know why.  But we all know that the more you talk about being with other men around men, the less they want you. (Unless they just want a free ride).  No, no.  Things like this are said to get attention from other women.

These kinds of girls use talk like this to try and assert some type of dominance.  The whole I'm better than you, I'm prettier than you and you can tell by all these guys who want me... Don't you want to be me... Please envy me....  Most women aren't even phased by these girls because we know that 1) the more you talk about it, the less likely it's true and 2) many of the women are out there doing the most to get all this 'sweat'.  We all know that if all this 'sweat' was so truly annoying and inconvenient (as you try to make it seem) you'd find a way to make it stop if you really wanted it to.  Honestly you come off a just sorry. Besides, half of what you are talking about things that negate the idea that you're being sweated in the first place.

How are you being 'sweated' when you're returning calls and text messages?  How are you being 'sweated' when you gave him your number and called him first?  I'm supposed to be believe he's sweating you and you've been spending nights at his house like 4 days this week? You spend most of your time all up in his space. That's what 'he's sweating me' means now?

No boo-boo.  You constantly requesting and reciprocating attention from a guy does not mean he's sweating you. You can stop telling us about this.  We know what you do, how you do and we are not impressed.  We truthfully could care less.  The only reason we're even taking time to talk about this, is because you're taking up too much of our valuable time to discuss this bullshit. We got things to do.

Get over yourself.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Moment of Simple

I'm on a Mission...

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Coupons on a First Date?

12:27 PM |

Smart or dating faux pas...

So there has been some talk out there about wether or not it is appropriate for a man to pay for a first date by using a coupon.  Depending on who's talking about it you could get some extreme reactions.  Some people feel that it cheapens the date and that using one takes away from the whole wine and dine experience. Many times coupons restrict what you can order off a menu and no woman wants to feel like she's being told what she can or can't have. It could send signals that you are broke or cheap and that's a complete turn off to a girl. It could even potentially mean you're stingy and that has a tendency to reflect a lot of things about you as a person. Who knew one little coupon could send all these signals!

For me, I don't care if you pay with a coupon or not, as long as you pay. You shouldn't be making a big production out of paying anyway so why should I see how you've paid?  I don't believe I should see anything with regards to a bill when I'm out on a date with a guy.  I shouldn't see the bill.  I shouldn't see your card.  I shouldn't see the money you put in. I shouldn't see the tip you leave.  I just believe it should all be discreetly handled, as much as possible.  Therefore there shouldn't be an instance where I see the coupon.  Unless you make a big deal about it, but then, why would you do that?  I don't think you have to lie or be sneaky about it either.  And let me just say too that I think any man that makes a big deal about paying, how much he paid, or any thing of the sort is very un-gentelman like.

Tacky *rolls my eyes*.

I'm all about a good discount.  There are so many ways to get one these days and it's so easy you'd be dumb not to take advantage of it.  I don't care if you got a $20 dinner for 2 coupon from Living Social.  All I hear is... 'that means is I can go to BLT Steak?!?' In these times, doing more with less is a great thing.  Plus that means you'll have more money to do other things with later on that night or even for the next date. It's just being fiscally responsible.

Ultimately, I think how you've treated your date during the entire evening means more than how you've paid for the date.  The amount of money you spend has no correlation to your ability to wine and dine and woo a woman.  If you've got enough swag you can wine and dine your date at a burger bar for $2.99.  I seriously doubt any good woman will be so turned off by a little coupon that she tosses out all of the great things and connection you've made over the time you've spent out.  If she does - red flag.  She's not the one you want to spend time with anyway.

(Oh but please understand that while it may be probably will get talked about and laughed at a bit by your girl and her girls.  Not that we don't like you or that it's bad, but it'll be something that will get picked on.  Just thought you should know.)

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Know Your Role: Rules for the Jump-off

1:00 PM |

Preventing VIOLATIONS!!

There are so many of you out there involved in the role of a jump-off.  Some of you know that's what you are.  Some of you do not.  In either case, I think it's important for many of you to understand that there are RULES with regards to handling your jump off.  Based on many of the stories I hear, I many of you are in violation of these rules.  So I think it is important to go over the top 5 Jump-off Rules before your Saturday night...'jumps off'.

Rule #5: Sun is up, Jump-off is out.
Activities that involve the jump-off typically occur during the darkest of hours.  Therefore, once the sun has begun to rise on the dawn of a new day, that jump-off must be out of your house.  No pillow talk.  There should never be a moment where your jump-off is lingering around the house in the morning, making breakfast, cuddling. No.  Violation! The only exception to the sunlight rule is if the jump-off is there to fulfill their duties during a daytime romp.  However once that romp is complete, they are to leave immediately. They have served their purpose.  Time for them to go on.

Rule #4: Ready and Willing.
A jump-off should always be ready to get it in.  Don't you EVER show up at your jump-off's house so drunk that you can't perform.  It completely defeats the purpose.  There is no time for a quick nap. If you pass out in the bed, please be prepared for whatever rude awakening you may have coming to you.  It will be the most miserable moments of sleep you've ever had in your LIFE.  Nobody has time for you to have a man down situation.  Get up *snaps fingers* you have things to do. And if a jump-off EVER pukes at your house.  No.  Violation! All that does is take away from the business handling time and pushing you closer to being in violation of rule #5.

Rule #3: No Food For You.
Jump-offs are not to be roaming through your kitchen cabinets, in your fridge, eating up any of your food. No you will not get a sandwich made for you. Nor breakfast. You may not even get any of this coffee on the counter. (You're supposed to be gone anyway). There will be no wining and dinning the jump-off.  You eat before you get to the house. You eat after you leave the house.  Exceptions can and could be made in the event of marathon, back breaking, muscle cramping festivities. This food only serves to refuel and help power you up for the next round. However the nourishments made will require the minimalist of effort (ie: crackers, fruit, cold-cuts right out of the package - anything that doesn't require the use of dishes) and should be prepared and eaten by the person who needs it only.  You are not to cook for your jump-off.  No sit down meals at a table. No. Violation! That only leads to conversations that start to make the jump-off believe that there's something more.

I don't care how many nights they spend at your house.  I don't care if you see them more than you see your own family.  I don't care if you've even spent weeks and days with this person.  THEY ARE NOT YOUR BOO!!!  You should not engage in any activities with this person that would make them think otherwise (talking, feeding, taking them out, sharing your dreams). No! No! No! VIOLATION!!! Failure to treat a jump-off like they are what they are will lead to unnecessary arguments, stress, and busted up cars.

Rule #1: You will at all times BE PROTECTED!
Engaging in a jump-off relationship is extremely risky.  You must be smart.  You must be truthful There are no emotional ties here, so there's no reason to lie or be deceitful.  That is extremely dangerous in a jump-off situation. You must be SAFE.  If either of you do not have the appropriate protection you must either go out and get it, or call the night off.  There should NEVER be an instance, especially with your jump-off, that you engaged in unprotected sex. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER.  Both of you are responsible for protecting yourself and each other and the other people that may be involved with you.  Get tested and feel free to ask one another to see those results.  Failure to do so will render this jump-off arrangement null and void.

I'm having a little but of fun here but in all seriousness folks, rule #1 is the most important rule of all and truly should be the primary one you adhere to.  Too many people have gotten caught out there and have been fortunate enough to end up with just a kid.  They could have ended up with something harder to shake and much more difficult to live with. Be smart. Be careful.

So those are the top 5 rules for the Jump-off.  Hope you've learned something today and that you will be smarter out there tonight.  Follow the rules.  Pick well.  Protect yourself.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Random Thought

3:42 PM |

By special request for Random Thought Wednesday.....

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Definition of a Friend

She was a friend of mine...

What is a friend?  I'm seriously asking.  What is your definition of a friend?  I would really like to know what it takes to be considered a friend these days because there are so many of you out there that have all these issues regarding your 'friendships' that baffle me.

Maybe it would help to first tell you where this thought came from.  I was riding to work listening to the Steve Harvey Morning show and their Strawberry Letter segment.  The letter was in short about a woman who unknowingly got with a man whom she later found out was her friend's man of 12 years and was unsure of how or if she should tell her.  While I'll address that whole situation in another post, what stood out to me was this: How do you have a friend who has a man of 12 YEARS and you've never met, or even seen a photo of him?

People let me tell you, I have friends everywhere.  We don't talk on a regular basis, but you know what, if they have a man I can tell you I've seen him.  Wether it was a photo on her phone, Facebook or even if we've randomly met in person, I know who their men are.  I may not remember their names off hand but I bet if anyone was to repeat their names I'd recognize it.  Why? Because that's part of the things friends share with one another.

I think the word 'friendship' has lost its face value like the words 'I love you' and 'trust me' and 'truth'.  Some people in your life are 'associates'.  Some are 'acquaintances'.  Very few are 'friends'.  And for good reason.  Being a friend carries a lot more responsibility.  I think it's time for people to start understanding which people in their lives are which.

Now I'm not going to hand out a canned definition on what I think a friend should and should not be.  Each person requires something different. And understand this about friendships.  The bond isn't always everlasting. Part of what makes people friends are shared experiences, thoughts, opinions, interests, etc.  Those things change over time.  Just because you've know someone a long time, and you used to be friends, doesn't mean that they are truly your friend now, through no fault of either of you. I think you have to look at what you value in a friend, the type of friend you are to people, what you expect out of your friends and decide if the people in your life you consider friends fit those criteria. If not, it may be time to place them in another category.

OR it maybe time to let that person go. Period.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Single ≠ Lonely

1:00 PM |

Some tips on beating the single blahs....

Let's be honest, sometimes the single life can start to feel a bit lonely and empty. And with the fall/winter coming, people slowing down, staying in - it can start to feel even lonelier. So when my solo-ness starts to transform itself to loneliness, here are some of the ways I try and beat away the grey clouds.

Go Do Something:
Anything.  It doesn't have to be major, just get out of the house.  Go run/walk.  Let the sun hit your face. Get up and go somewhere and make it special to you.  Even if it's just going to Wally-World. Put on some clothes you feel good in, fix your hair, and go. You don't have to have an agenda, just drive and when you feel like stopping - stop.  If you want to purchase something - do it.  If you want to eat something - eat it. And take your time doing it.  Or you can just plan to do something.  Plan a trip - really plan a trip. The planning alone can take some of the dreary off your day.  Sometimes a day of doing whatever randomly comes to heart and indulging your whims can help shift your mood.

Plan to Stay in:
You can do the opposite of going out and really plan to stay in. You can do a project around the house - paint a wall, fix a cabinet, organize a closet. That may be a chore, but think of how different you will feel once that overhanging, ever looming task is complete.  Or you can do nothing at all and make a day of it.  Put on your fuzzy socks and favorite lounge clothes and plan to do a Godfather movie marathon all day.  Make coffee or tea and get lost in a book.  Make it more about choosing to spend time at home relaxing than being just stuck in the house.  And be happy to tell people you did nothing all day!

Try Something Different/Learn Something:
Sometimes you can occupy your mind with a new activity.  Watch cooking shows and pick something new to try and make for dinner.  Always wanted to learn how to do something? Play an instrument? Learn a new language? Sew? There are tutorials and books for any and everything out there - pick one and do it.  Or if you have a hobby, plan on dedicating a large chunk of your day just indulging yourself in your hobby.

This is something I used to do but I don't do much of these days, but I do hope to start doing again. If you're not a people person, go volunteer at a local animal shelter or your city's humane society.  Find out how to be a mentor.  It's election season - help people get to the polls. Sometimes getting out and helping out can do more for you, the volunteer, than it does for the people you help.

Plan a Play-Date:
Take some time to reconnect with your friends, physically not virtually.  With all the avenues technology gives us these days to keep in touch with people, sometimes it's easy to forget how long it's been since you've actually sat down face to face with that person.  Get off line and plan to hang out with your friends. My friends and I plan dinners or weekend trips or visits around holidays or cultural events (like CIAA, homecoming, Christmas). I know it's not necessarily  quick fix to beat the blues, but by planning it, you not only make sure that people can actually attend, it starts to become something to look forward to - a priority.  And sometimes knowing that people are just as excited to see you as you are to see them can help you not feel so isolated.

Step Away From Social Media:
You may think that if you're feeling lonely it's a good idea to jump on your social media outlet of choice and chat, look at photos and virtually see what your friends are up to.  WRONG!  While social media has been great with allowing people to keep up with one another, and reconnect with friends long gone, it can have a way of making you feel like you aren't doing ish with your life.  I mean after a certain age your timeline and feeds start transitioning from party photos, drama, LOL memes and random musings, to photos of kids, announcements of engagements or deaths, promotion declarations, wedding planning details, and other keeping up with the Joneses swaggery.  If you're people are at a party and you're not you wonder - why didn't I know about this.  If your people are getting engaged you or have gone from 'single' to 'in a relationship' you wonder - how is it THEY can find someone but I'm here alone.  Constantly reading about what other people are doing can start to make you question your life and what you have going on wether you realize it or not.   Close that window.

Go Home:
I know there are times when I look up and MONTHS have gone by with out me visiting my parents or going home for a weekend.  (And I only live 2 hours away from them). But sometimes it helps to just go back home for a few hours, a day, a weekend.  It helps you reconnect with familiar surroundings and can help you feel a bit more grounded. I know that everyone doesn't necessarily have that traditional 'home', so return to the place you come from, or wherever 'home' is for you. If your family is loving and caring, going home can remind you that there are people there who love you (typically) no matter what. If your family is ratchet, it'll help reiterate the fact that you are doing or have done what is best and make you feel so much better about your life decisions.

These are just some of the things I do when the sound of silence starts to get too loud.  And I'll be honest, sometimes it doesn't always work.  It can seem too simple or one size fits all, but in general I think when we start to think too much about what we are doing/haven't done/have to do - that's when the loneliness can start to creep in. Taking time out to enjoy your present can help you center yourself and allow you to acknowledge the good things.

But this is just what I do. What do you do when you start to feel lonely?

Monday, October 15, 2012

Moment of Simple

The best part of this entire song....

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Football 202 for Women

10:30 AM |

Part play continued...

If you've been following my football posts at all you should be able to know 2 things about me. 1 - I love football and 2 - it is my personal mission to make the women of the world who don't love football less annoying during football season.  It's been a minute since our last lessons, so if you need to review please see the following:

Football 101 for women part 1
Lesson 2 - Defense
Football 101 for women part 3
Football 201 for women - game play

Today I'd like to talk a bit about the defense.  For me, I'm all about the defense.  Not sure why, but I get more excited about a good tackle and 3 and outs than I do about a long pass . LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT! (unless it involves my teams -- get it together fellas, smh) But I digress.

Without getting deep into defensive strategy, let's just discuss the general idea behind what the defense does and define some frequently used terms.

The goal of the defense is to prevent the other team from moving down the field and scoring. They can do so by preventing their runners from running past them down the field.  They can keep the receivers from catching the ball.  They can tackle or pressure the quarter back, making him make mistakes or keep him from throwing the ball.  They can try to catch the ball the quarterback tries to throw at his receivers (interception), or they can try and take the ball away from a receiver/runner after they have the ball(force a fumble or turnover).  As long as what they do doesn't cause any penalties (and ideally no injuries), they are going to do whatever they can to keep the other team from scoring.

Here are some of the ways they try to keep the other team from scoring and some common terms you may hear through out the game:

Run Defense
If a team is known for giving the ball to one of their runners and not throwing as much, or if the current position of the offense usually leans more towards a run than a pass, the defense will set themselves up to stop that run play.  The way you can tell they're planning on trying to stop a runner is by looking to see where most of the defensive players are lined up.  If they have a lot of men close to the line of scrimmage, then they are preparing to stop a runner. The more players they have up front, the faster they can get to a runner and the fewer yards the other team will get.

Pass Defense
This is the opposite of a run defense.  If the team believes their opponent is going to throw the ball, they are going to try and stop them by providing coverage in one of two ways: Man-to-Man: for every man on the field the quarterback can throw the ball to, the defense assigns one of their guys to follow him. Zone: assigning a player to a specific area of the field so that if the ball comes anywhere near that area, they are responsible for going after whoever comes in that area.

This is when the defense feels the best option to stop a team from advancing is to get the quarterback.  The defense will send as many guys as they can after the quarterback to stop him from throwing the ball or handing it off to another player.   There are so many ways to do this, but when you see a majority of the defense going straight for the quarterback - that's usually a blitz.

Along with the variety of teams and coaches, comes a variety of defensive plays, line ups, and strategies. All of these specific to the team using them. We could discuss 3-4, 4-3, 4-4, Nickle, and Dime formations, but I'll leave that for extra credit ;) These were just a few of the more general and common terms and concepts you'll hear throughout the game.  As always - happy football watching.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Random Thought

1:22 PM |

Sometimes I wake up with music in my head.  Why this was what came to my mind today I'll never know.  But I opened the cabinet to grab my cereal for breakfast and when I closed the door I exclaimed....


Monday, September 3, 2012

Do As I Do

12:00 PM |

Thoughts on my parents' anniversary...

This past week has allowed me to do a lot of thinking. Not about life necessarily or my job or my future. I've been thinking more about myself, my personality, my ethics and trying to see if I could remember how or why I've managed to grow up to be who I am today. And of course that leads me to think about how I was raised and my parents.

Let me just say that my parents aren't really a talking people. We talk, don't get me wrong. But if you ask me if I've ever had the 'sex talk' with my parents I can say no. Have they ever sat me down and lectured me about life? No. So talking about things was never the way I learned how to function in this world as an adult.

What they did was model it for me. Taught me more by doing than lofty lectures and speeches. My mother made sure we were early or on-time everywhere. Sometimes we were so early to school we beat the teachers there. My dad went into work every day. Even when he acted like he hated it. He hardly took sick days, and neither did we. We rarely missed school for being sick. I can remember my parents saying "if you well enough to be in your room laughing I can take you to school right now". Sometimes they did. I frequently got perfect attendance.

We always had to explain ourselves and be responsible for our actions. The worst punishment ever was having to go downstairs to talk to my Dad and explain to him why I did something wrong. We would burst into tears! There was no such answer as 'I don't know'. And the worst thing to hear was how disappointed in us they were.

We did homework in the summer before we could go outside to play. Sharing was always a requirement. Family first. Be smart, in school and in the 'street'. You did great but you can always do better. Keep trying.

There are so many things I watch people do today that just don't make any sense. People do things that are so self destructive, unnecessarily rude, and just plain stupid. At the end of the day I'm happy I was raised the way I was. I don't think I would have been able to make it as far as I have if I wasn't.

I guess I should say 'thank you'.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Thoughts On The Eve Of Another Birthday

11:30 PM |

Another year gone...

So every year I come to my blog to journal exactly how I was feeling at the turn of another year of life. Usually I'm full of hope and inspiration, feeling positive about the new year to come.  This year, if I'm being true, I gotta say I have no other choice but to be hopeful that this next year is a good one.

This past year was full of it's good and it's bad.  I've gotten a chance to travel to new places, stepped up my jewelry making game, wrote more and started trying to get my mind and body right. But at the same time I made some terrible decisions along the way that I'll be paying for, for a while. There's been a lot of standing in one place. I've lost some people that were dear to me. And let's just say things are no where near as stable as they once appeared to be.  Needless to say this year has been STRESSFUL! Apparently, it's time to make some for real, hard changes.

So, this year, on the eve of my birthday, I'm not as happy as I usually am.  I'm a bit stressed.  I bit worried. A bit sad.  A bit unsettled. A bit unsatisfied. But the sun will rise tomorrow on the start of a new year and I just refuse to wake up feeling this way.  I'll get up, get dressed, and go out with my girls and laugh the night away.  I will eat, drink and be merry.  I'll catch up with my sister, call my grandmother and remind her it's my birthday so she can wish me happy birthday.  I may even get some hot water again this weekend courtesy of my parents and I'll pretend that it's for my birthday and not because I'll actually have to have visitors at my house next week. I'll deal with the real world on the other side of this long, holiday weekend. I'm good a procrastination, so I will stick all these bad thoughts and worry where I put all my deadlines, and to-dos.

So as we say at #1713.....SHOTS UP! Happy birthday to me.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Moment of Simple

1:18 PM |

Here I come to save the day...

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Old Schoolin' With Granny

Episode 1: The Break Up

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Men and Standards

Men ain't said it...

You know there are several conversations I wish we'd stop having.  Are men able to be monogamous? Do all men cheat and why? Can men be trusted? Why can't men commit. Blah, blah, blah, blah-blah. Let's just stop.

Do you know how many men call into these radio shows to basically say that it's within the male primal instinct to go out and be with as many women as he can?  That the bible has shown men being with several women at a time (don't think the fact that the good book has been interpreted by men over the ages has anything to do with that huh? - you don't see everybody turning to Leviticus in their well worn Queen Mary's version of the bible..... I'm just saying). That guys are only motivated by a few things: girls, sex and money. That women have to dumb it down, lower standards in order to be with them. For every person that calls in to dispute the idea that men are just sorry, there are at least 2 men that call in and support the statement.

Why guys? Why do you have such low standards for yourself?  Limiting your values to this supposed raging libidos.  Not believing that you are a man worthy of having one good woman treat you with the respect and the admiration a king deserves.  Feeding into the stereotype instead of actively trying to change it. Why do you allow yourselves to be defined in such demeaning and limiting ways? Why do you settle for such shallow standards?

It's no longer funny.

It's not a joke.

It's just sad.

Why? Because many of you are actually beginning to not only believe the bullshit, you're so happy playing along with these ideas that you are perpetuating them to such a degree that the young men coming up have no other standard to live by. It's bad enough this idea is a primary theme in our media.  There are so many absentee fathers out there, that the kids can't look up to them. There are fewer and fewer male teachers in the classrooms that they can identify with. Where are they supposed to see another side of life?

And instead of always harping on the fact that women only want to date doctors and ballers, why not try to excel at your current job? Why not push for that promotion? Be the best you can be at what you do. Elevate yourself to a higher ground. Why always tell the world to lower their expectations?

Until you begin to set higher standards for yourself, you cannot expect anyone else (especially women) to have any other than the worst/lowest expectations for you.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Not A Good Look

1:12 PM |

The Silly Chics...

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a stupid girl.  I hate them with all my heart and soul! More than spiders, more than smelly trash, more than the sound of nails scraping across a chalkboard.  Hate. Hate. Hate. Stupid Girls.

You would think that something like this wouldn't get to me so bad.  Who cares what stupid girls do, they're stupid.  But see the problem is - this disease is spreading. Intelligent chics are becoming more and more rare. And what were are left with is nothing but mindless, bobble-headed, wanna-be barbies.

So.  I was asked, what exactly is a stupid girl.  We'll here's my list of what would categorize you (or the woman you are dating) as a stupid girl.

  1. Mindlessly follows the crowd
  2. Thinks her own ignorance is funny
  3. And has no desire to try and be any smarter
  4. Is self-centered and self-absorbed
  5. Inconsiderate and rude
  6. Only talent is being cute
  7. Shallow
  8. Puts high value on small and shallow things
  9. Demeans and puts down people
  10. Finds enjoyment in other people's insecurities - a bully
  11. Can't do shit.  I mean nothing.  Nothing at all
  12. Finds nothing wrong with belittling her assets or herself to fit in
  13. Or does #11 to find or keep a man
  14. Has no thoughts or opinions of her own
  15. Completely ignorant of her history or culture and is fine with that
  16. Not only does she not have any book smarts, she also has no common sense
  17. Never thinks about future consequences of her actions
  18. Doesn't care about how her actions could potential reflect badly on the people around her or her family
  19. Aspires to be like the reality stars on TV
  20. Always trying to fight someone over something stupid
I just really can't stand them. I really can't. These girls mess the entire game up for EVERYONE! Making it hard out there on a real chic.  And that's just NOT a good look.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Ladies's Man

12:30 PM |

So you say you have a lot of homegirls?  

Do you always have girls coming by your desk at work? Hug every girl you pass in the hallway? Constantly texting your 'little sister'?  You've always gotten along with women better than men? You grew up around women and it just feels natural to always be around them? I can dig that. But I have to be honest. There are so many things a guy can do to turn a good girl off.  One of those many things is constantly have a ton of women around.

You're a just a ladies' man right?  What's so wrong with that? Now the initial reaction would be: Is this girl so insecure that she has issues with you having female friends?  The answer: No.  While there are girls out there that do have that problem (and believe me they'll make that problem known quick, fast and in a hurry), the girls I am talking about are not in that category.  So let's rundown a few reasons why having a ton of women around could prevent you from finding that 'one'.

First, you know how guys say they don't want to 'wife' a girl who is a tramp?  Well, girls don't want to 'husband' a guy who is a flirt.  And let's be real, many of you guys who have all these girls around you are indeed flirts. Some of you probably aren't even aware that you are flirting. And I understand that.  But being flirtatious with every woman you encounter can chip away at even the most secure woman's armor.  Minds can wander and ladies think: If he does this when I'm here, I can only imagine what he does when I'm not. Remember, society has pretty much engrained in most women's minds that you guys are horn dogs that are out there trying to get at any piece of cute available booty that presents itself to you.  And while many woman choose not to believe all men are dogs, that possibility still lurks in the recesses of our minds.

Second, if you're constantly giving all these women this kind of attention, how is a girl who is interested in you supposed to know that you're interested in her? How is she different from any of the other girls you are constantly seen with? She can't figure out if you're single or attached to one of these women.  She can't figure out if you'd even be interested in her any more than you are these other girls. If she can't figure some of these things out, you are pretty much guaranteeing that this good girl will never truly approach you or let her interest be known.

Third, that's just entirely too much competition.  Please understand that the ratio of men to women out there is 143.4 million women to 138.1 million men.  We already gotta compete with sports, your job, your friends, your mother, and now this never ending stream of thirsty chicas? That usually comes with the potential for a lot of unnecessary drama. No thank you.

Unfortunately we live in a society where perception is all that matters.  And wether or not you're just an honest to goodness good guy, if you're always hanging out with a bunch of women you can be sending the signal that you're a man whore (or batting for the other team).  That ladies man thing may score you major points with the fellas, but it totally downgrades your stock amongst the female traders.

Just thought you should know.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Random Thought

12:00 PM |

Monday, July 30, 2012

Moment of Simple

R.I.P. Sherman Hemsley

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Interested, Flirting or Playing Games

1:00 PM |

Interested Signal #1...

So a few months (or a year) ago, I was having a round table discussion with a few of the fellas discussing one of our more favorite of topics: stupid girls.  Out of the conversation a question arose.  How do you tell if a girl is genuinely interested, just flirting or is out to play games?  So I lit up the signal in the sky and asked a conglomerate of ladies the question.  What do you do to let a guy know you're interested - or better yet - how do you behave around a guy you are interested in?

How I know I was talking to real ladies and not silly girls is that it took them a minute to think really hard about this question.  They don't typically play a lot of games so they really focused in on what their behavior was like when they were in the presence of a guy they were feeling.  Was there anything they did differently?

---Interested Signal #1---
Always Around

All of the ladies I talked to said one of the number one things they do when they are really interested in a guy, is to try and find ways to interact with them on a daily (or frequent) basis.  They will even sometimes go out of their way to be in their guy of choice's presence.  Not to the degree where it's inconvenient or overt, but still being sure to find some time and some way to be where he is.  It could be something as simple as changing their route to the break room at work to walk by their desk.  They could change where they park so they could have a chance to walk out to their cars together.  Perhaps they may think of random but seemingly relevant questions to ask the guy or someone around the guy to give them a reason so spark up a conversation or be in their general presence.

But remember I said this is not overt! No one's trying to be brought up on stalking charges.  It will often be very smoothly played and subtle.  Which is why this is often overlooked by many guys because let's just be honest - most of you all are oblivious.

What I think is important for you guys to understand is that these 'chance' meetings are expertly coordinated and are scheduled in a way to give the girl the most information she can get in the shortest (or maybe longest) amount of time possible.  In these meetings we're noticing and taking note of EVERYTHING.  We can find out if you're single, how well you take care of yourself, what you may have done the night before, if you have any kids, sometimes without ever asking a direct questions.

We're also looking to see if and how your behavior changes when we're around.  Do you smile more, are you open or closed off, or do you seem bothered.  This allows us to determine if you could potentially be interested in us as well.  If we're not getting any vibes from you that you could be interested, we'll surely move it along.

If you've ever had a woman come around all the time and then suddenly stop or you start seeing her less and less frequently, she's probably picked up on something that alerted her that you were either a) not interested or b) not the person she thought you were.

Now is the a sure fire way to tell if a girl is interested?  No.  Remember this is just one indicator.  There are several more to come...

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Did You Really Just Do That??

12:00 PM |

A guy's guide to avoiding social faux pas...

Fellas, fellas, fellas.  Gather round.  We need to have a discussion.  We must talk about what is and is not appropriate behavior when you first meet a woman. There are some things you should and absolutely SHOULD NOT do. Think of these as general guidelines you can use to help you establish appropriate social boundaries.  If you are currently doing any of the following don' must stop immediately!

Greet the young lady with a handshake or, if the opening is there and it seems appropriate, a hello/nice to meet you hug.

Get fresh. Keep the hug appropriate.  It is not an opening to get a little poke, a squeeze, a feel.  It should not be weirdly lengthy. No rubbing of the back. Don't be a horn-dog. Same goes for the handshake.  When it's over, let go.  No rubbing your thumb against the back of her hand or taking your middle finger and running it down the palm of her had as you pull away (-_-) 

I mean really.

Stick your hands in the girls hair all the way to her scalp.  She is not a puppy.

Point out grey hairs.  I don't care if it is supposed to be a compliment.

Squeeze her thigh and say 'oh I like that'.  I really shouldn't have to tell you that.

Make an effort to remember her name.  I'm not good with names at all. There is no harm in having her repeat it.  Sometimes, things get crazy, it's hard to hear or you've just had 1 too many drinks and it may have slipped your mind. 

Call her baby, baby girl, sweetheart, sweetie, boo or any other random 'term of endearment' or by some other abbreviated form of her name.  You never know what she may or may not like.

Ask appropriate conversation starter questions.  Things like "Where are you from?", "What do you do for a living?", "Have you ever seen Flashdance?".  I mean, really anything that could generate more than a 1 word answer, and hopefully spark up a conversation.

If you have asked her all of these great opened ended questions, that would actually require more than a 1 word answer and all you get back from her are 1 word answers...

Move it along.

If she's not making eye contact, not trying to help extend the conversation either with her answers or follow up questions, she's not interested man.

Ask her why she's single.

That honestly can go for any one of any sex and any age. What kind of answer are you expecting?  What? Am I supposed to say...."oh well I stabbed my last boyfriend and the courts say I can't be within 100 yards of a single man that favors him".  Like... how are we supposed to answer that question?!?

And if she does say that she's single, I don't think your follow up question should be "You like men right?"


While I can't knock you for trying to be certain, especially these days, there has to be a better time and a more tactful way of asking that question.

Get caught looking at her goods.  Come on, man.  Watch those eyes. We can feel you looking at us. You're stare can go from endearing to just totally off-putting really quickly.  I'm not telling you not to look.  That'd be totally pointless.  Just don't get caught doing it.

Feel free to give appropriate compliments.  You can say that she's pretty, or you can compliment her style of dress, or the way she walks, but it has to be done tastefully.  Most girls really do like a compliment or two.

Over do the compliments.  One is nice.  Two can be seen a sweet.  Three may even make you seem like you're really into her.  But beyond that you start to sound insincere, pushy and like you're fishing for a compliment back.  If the girl says 'thank you' or 'oh, that's sweet', just leave it at that.  Don't keep harping on it.

Be creepy! Some of you fellas can say the word 'beautiful' and make a girl feel like she's just been stripped searched by the TSA.

And while I'm on it...

Be a creeper.  While it is OK to talk and socialize with more than one person at a part or a get-together (depending on its size), you don't want to be the guy that has honestly 'hollered' at every girl in the place, outside in the line into the place, in the parking lot next to the place....

Hopefully these guidelines will help clear up any confusion or answer some deeply held questions you may have had.  As the world turns, I will continue to bring forth more tips to help you in your socializing adventures.

Until next time fellas.  Meeting adjourned.