An honest dialogue about love, life, and everything in-between...

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Man Dibbs

4:38 PM |

...let it go ladies

What I would like to discuss today is what I call Man Dibbs. What is Man Dibbs? Well this is a phenomena that seems to affect the female population. It occurs usually within a pair or a group of friends. What happens is one person in the group may have her eye on a particular guy. This young woman may or may not have any interaction with said guy. However, because this friend has expressed interest in this man, all friends of said girl are to not approach this man, nor accept any advances from him. Any interaction with this man and friends of the girl, are to be strictly platonic and possibly lead to ways to get said man and girl together. Even if said man shows interest in one of the friends, the friend is not to accept his interest, develop an interest for the man, nor act on that interest. This is know as Man Dibbs.

From my observations, Man Dibbs began in middle and high school. Usually in conversations that involve the phrases "You can't like him, I like him". It is true there is an unspoken agreement among friends that you will never push up on a guy the other has an interest in. However, mature friends should also be able to understand that if the guy likes your friend he doesn't want you. As long as you know your friend hasn't gone behind your back and pushed up on this man, you should not be upset with your friend if they do end up getting together. You should be able to step out of the way and let your friend have an opportunity to be happy.

Personally I think Man Dibbs are stupid. It's quite possible that the same things you like in this man are going to attract your friends. I mean, you are friends after all and friends usually share interests. It's even dumber if the man has never showed any remote interest in you. If you really like your friend why not give her a chance to be happy? Sure it'll be awkward, but be real with yourself. He didn't want you. Honestly I say every woman for herself. It's slim pickings out there. If he's available may the best chic win. Just make sure your friendship is strong enough to outlast the competition.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Know your role

7:29 PM |

...a guide for women

Too often I have had women crying in my ear about why things have fallen apart in their supposed relationships. Many times it's because they have failed to realize one very important thing: they weren't in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship to begin with. After discussing this with some male friends of mine, I have discovered that to them women fit into one of four categories: The Wifey, The Other Woman (aka The Chic on the Side), The Homegirl and the Jump Off. It is important for women to know their role before jumping off the deep end screaming "why o why". Please allow me to assist you in defining your role. Note that all the ways will not be listed here, so feel free to add on/modify as you see fit.

Are you???
The Wifey:

Aside from the women in his life connected to him by blood (mother, grandmother, aunt, sister, cousin), this is the primary woman in his life. She is also known as the Girlfriend, the Girl, or the Wife (legally or by street terms). Often this is the woman seen with him in public at any given hour of the day. Sporadic public displays of affection can be given to this woman in either forms of holding hands, kissing, arm around her, etc. unless they both agree not to engage in pda's. Never the less you will clearly be able to tell by their interaction if she is in-fact the "wifey". She is introduced to friends and sometimes family (if the timing is right) willingly. You will typically find them engaging in the stereotypical roles of a girlfriend/boyfriend style relationship.

The Other Woman:

Who knows what the men get out of a relationship with the other woman. Trying to define this is in a sense trying to define why men cheat. So many people have tried, and so many people have failed. This woman could be his last thrill before taking the big plunge into a very long term monogamous relationship. She could be providing some comfort and understanding he doesn't get from his current girl. She could be just his freak, his fantasy to which he escapes the cares of the day with. Even with all these possibilities you can tell pretty easily if you are the other and not the only. The other woman will typically never visit the house. If you do, it's either at odd hours or you have to leave early or in a rush. You won't spend any holidays with that man. You also won't be taking any pictures together. If you go out, it will be in areas neither of you two frequent. Usually he'll say he wants to visit someplace "new" and it'll be in some off beat part of town. If your man is participating in any of this behavior, be on the look out, you could very well be the other woman.

The Homegirl:

This is the girl he can talk to; no pressure, no strings, no worries. There are no built in requirements for the amount of time that should be spent with each other. There are no rules in how long you should talk, how often you should talk. And as one stated, no petty arguments like "why didn't you call me back". Basically, the homegirl relationship is the one that's drama free. For guys homegirls are important because they help shed light into the female psyche as well as enable the man to have a healthy state of mind. Many times they can come to her with things they wouldn't normally share with their guy friends; sometimes things they wouldn't even share with their "wifey". This can generate a connection between the two that can worry even the most stable of relationships, so be careful not to blur the lines too much. Also be aware that most men surveyed for this don't believe that men and women can truly be just friends if they find each other attractive. So you could potentially end up "bent over a couch" but be straightened back up again and still be expected to be friends. They way you determine if you are the homegirl is simple. Most guys will ask you out if they are trying to "court" you (yes, old school for you). If you've never had a conversation about the two of you dating or where this relationship is going, you're just a friend.

The Jump Off:

Ladies. This is where many of you are. Don't confuse his attention to you in the bedroom as a legitimate relationship. Sure he calls you all the time. But for what reason? Do you talk or just make plans? Are you restricted in the times you can call him? Does he acknowledge you as someone significant in public settings? Unsure if you are the jump off? How can you tell? Answer these simple questions:

1. Have you met his friends? If so, think about how he introduces you. If the words, "homegirl", "friend", "girl" don't come with the introductions, take notice.

2. Have you had conversations that don't involve sex? Have your conversations been more than a "Are you home? What are you doing tonight? Can I come over?"

3. Does he do things for you?

4. Have you ever gone on a date? A real date?

5. Do you see each other DURING THE DAY out side of the house? (not including work or other mutual friend gatherings).

If you have answered no to any of these questions, YOU ARE THE JUMP OFF. Plain and simple.


In conclusion, be aware of your role. If you don't like your role, reject it and get out. If you accept it, really accept it and don't look for clues or fantasy hints to try and move you to a more preferred role. If your role does change it will do so naturally and with out any interference from you. And men, please be aware of the roles you have put the women in your life in and be conscious of them. Apparently women are emotionally charged creatures (excluding the author). Don't confuse them with shiny objects and blur the lines. You'll cause more drama for yourselves that way.

Many thanks to all those who helped me write this: W2, Queen Fiend, Smoke, and Mr. Stark.

Monday, March 24, 2008


11:53 PM | opinions...everyone's got some

We live in a world where, for most of us, the way we live or lives is only based on the perceptions of others. How our actions and the result of those actions are perceived is very important to many people. The other day I was wondering why it is so important for many of us to have people, even those we don't know, think favorably of what we do, say and think.

For the most part I think people have an innate need to be accepted. This need for acceptance is what causes most people to have such an invested interested in what others think of them. Personally, I don't care what people who don't know me think of my actions. But to say I don't care what anyone thinks of me is a fallacy. Anyone who says that is a liar. There is someone in your life that you want to be perceived favorably by; be it your parents, grandparents, best friends, mentor, future boss, wife, husband, children, etc. Even if it is one person, there is someone. It's a natural thing for people not to want to move through this life alone, so by caring what others think is a bit of a manifestation of that desire to be accepted and understood.

I also think that the care of how we are perceived is a built in system of checks and balances. I think that if people moved through this life without a care in the world, there would be in a sense a lack of consciousness. Think about it, what would you or could you do if you knew there was no one looking, no one caring, about what you did. Knowing that how you and your actions would be perceived to the police, the judges, the juries, even GOD didn't matter, what could you do? In a sense this fear of judgment or misjudgment by our peers is what keeps control of chaos.

Ultimately, I think the main reason why perception is important to so many is because when we leave this life that's all that's left of us. How people will remember us and what we did will be based solely on their perceptions of our actions and who we are. So as we go through out our daily lives we are conscious of the fact that everything we do will be judged. Hopefully those who look at us will see our actions for their true intentions and us as who we are. It is up to each individual how much we will let others perceptions dictate how we live our lives.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

You, Me & She

7:58 PM |

... thoughts on the other woman

I know my thoughts on this topic will probably make me very unpopular but hear me out. There are always talks about the "other" woman. You know, the one who sleeps around/dates a man who is already in a relationship. Mostly these talks involve people bashing the other woman, often painting the picture of this seductive siren lurking in the recesses of the bar just waiting to sink her talons into your man. This is not the woman I am discussing today. I've known many who have been the other woman, and while I cannot deny the existence of those predatory women, not all women caught up in that situation are like that. To be honest, I think the other woman gets a bad rep. Not every "other" woman has been out there preying on your man. Nor is she a "whore" (thoughts on this word to come soon). Many are women just like me and you who, despite their best efforts, find themselves involved with someone who is attached.

How many times have you said: "Well she knew he was taken, why was she messing with him in the first place." Why should you put all the responsibility on her? If your man is approaching her, shouldn't the focus of your irritation and anger be at him? Why is it her responsibility to watch out for your relationship? It's obvious your man isn't trying to watch out for it and he has more of a responsibility to you than she does. It's very possible that this woman has done her best to avoid getting involved with your man, but due to persistence, has found herself attracted to the very same things that attracted you to him.

So am I saying that "cheating" is ok and that there's nothing wrong with being the other woman. No I am not. I'm saying that we need to remove the stigma and stereotypes from the other woman and start looking at the one who stepped out. Be mad at him. And, since I'm really being honest, look at your relationship and figure out why he feels the need to want to be with someone else. If it's more than a one night stand situation, he's finding something in that other woman that he's not finding with you.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Food For Thought

3:52 PM |

Monday, March 3, 2008

Case of the EX

2:39 PM |

...can ex-es truly be friends

In an ideal world when relationships end, one would hope that the friendship built over that time will continue to grow and flourish. That there will be no hard feelings and that the two involved can be mature adults and accept the fact that the relationship is over and move on. However that is not always the case. Break-ups are tricky and sometimes more than not, end badly. With all the history made between the two, can ex-es truly be just friends?

Generally speaking there are four types of break-ups: 1) Break-up due to infidelity; 2)Fighting or all out hatred of the other person; 3) Mutual agreement that things are just not working out; 4) Blindsided by one of the parties involved when there was no indication that anything was wrong. While there are other reasons couples call it quits, in the world that doesn't move, these are the most common. How you break-up often sets the tone for whether or not two people can be friends at the end of the relationship.

Those who break-up due to infidelity is one of the trickiest of the "friends" relationships to develop. Often this type of break-up leaves the friendship potential soley weighted on how the infidelity was revealed, how much the two care for each other, and how willing the scorned one is to forgive and let go. Usually one person is hurt and the other, if they are a good person, feel badly that they hurt the one they cared about. This can often leave residual feelings and, under the right circumstances, can lead the two to be in compromising *wink, wink* positions; thus erasing the "friends" tag from the relationship. This type of break-up can also lead to a substantial hatred among the hurt and no friendship, no matter how long ago the infidelity may have occurred, will be able to be developed.

Those who break-up due to fighting and all around hatred of each other should not be friends. I've had many friends who have come to physical blows with their former mate. Some just generally hate the other person. Yet they still talk to this person occasionally and say that they are trying to be friends with this person. Why do you want to be friends with someone you despise? It defies logic. Agree to be cordial and civilized in public and move on.

Mutual break-ups are the easiest to form a friendship out of. Both parties involved usually agree that things didn't work for them as a couple and can clearly place the other in that "friend" category easily and with out strings. Usually they don't hate each other, nor does one have the desire to continue to try and have a relationship with the other. This is the ideal break-up for the "ex-es and friends" relationship.

To my poor blindsided break-up victims, I must say that I'm sorry you were unaware that your relationship was in the toilet. If the person that broke-up with you is sensitive and cares at all about your feelings then they will often attempt to continue to be friends with you. Take some time away from this person. Evaluate your life, your goals, etc. Find other people, get involved in activities, start to date again and then if it's possible for you to truly just be friends with this ex, go for it. Do not agree to this until you have had time to get over the person and can truly be friends with out strings. Do not take this persons attempt to maintain a friendship as a open back door to their heart. Your attempts to find your way back will often only lead to a bigger hurt than the break-up. Those who have called it off are to respect the fact that the other person probably still wants to be with you. Be clear with your intentions and don't lead them on. If you notice that things are still sticky, be honest and cut all strings. They are not ready to be just friends.

Overall I think it is possible for people to be friends after a relationship has ended. However it is purely on a situation basis and depends on the maturity level of those involved. I think anyone wishing to be friends with their ex has to be clear on what that involves and make sure not to blur the lines. And when it does look like no friendship can be forged after a break-up, people must be able to let it go. Take the experiences and the lessons learned from the relationship and move on.