An honest dialogue about love, life, and everything in-between...

Tuesday, August 31, 2010


11:32 PM |

Thoughts on the eve of another birthday....

Another year has past. Another year older. Another year wiser. Several lessons learned. Typically the night before my birthday I cycle through two things: intense self-reflection and evaluation and euphoric happiness and calmness.

Currently I'm pretty calm. All in all the last year was a good one. I like who I am. I like what I do. I'm progressing towards my goals and making time to just live my life. Of course, it wasn't with out conflict, frustration or aggravation but the good outweighed the bad. I gained a lot of my old self back (but don't worry, my job is good for my anger management, development of tact and patience...HA!). Really for the first time in a while, I can truly say that I'm happy with where I am right now and I'm more focused on ever on where I want to go. And as always I'm thankful to those who have helped me, listened to me, pushed me, (aggravated me....pimped me...pissed me off....cause you gave me plenty of topics to write about), and cared about me.

10 minutes to go.....Happy early Birthday to me!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Why Stay?

8:10 AM |

I hate her so much...I really do...

You've seen those couples. The ones who have been together so long but are absolutely tired of each other and are clearly unhappy with their relationship. The ones who begrudgingly go to couple outings and make their required public appearances. Those who then flee as fast as they can, as far away as they can, for as long as they can just to get a bit of peace. Only to return to the one they no longer want to be with but can't seem to leave.

Why do people stay in relationships when they are miserable? The school of thought is that these couples have been together so long they have become totally co-dependant. Everything in their life involves the other person and to leave would cause such a disruption that they risk losing literally EVERYTHING.

I completely sympathize. After all, when you spend years and years with a person, you don't ever imagine that it's going to end. You also try to do everything in your power to make it work because that's is really the right thing to do.

I see the possible misery that could come from a split. Especially if it doesn't end as amicably as it should. Even if it were to end on good terms, just being around each other would be difficult. Remember, their lives are totally co-dependant, so avoidance of each other would be a great inconvenience. Plus, family members and friends would be placed in awkward situations during get togethers, bbq's and other various gatherings. It's almost more of a hassle to part ways than it is to just stay together.

If there was a way to be happy, even if that meant starting all over or run the risk of being lonely, I would do it. I would also feel better about starting over after 10-15 years at 30ish than I would starting over after 25-30 years, 3 kids, 2 mortagages and a dog at 48. However, I also can't imagine putting myself in a situation that so completely and totally involves merging my ENTIRE life with someone so much that I couldn't easily exist on the outside on my own. To some I guess the thought of starting over and being alone is worse than being with someone they can no longer stand. Doesn't really make sense to me, but I guess to each his own.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Assumptions That Can Get Your Feelings Hurt:

7:49 AM |

Part One...

1. That I want to see you when I'm not doing anything or have a day off.

Just because I tell you I'm doing nothing doesn't mean I want to talk. Just because I'm sitting at home on the couch doesn't mean I'm bored. Just because I'm bored doesn't mean I want to be entertained. To assume otherwise and to constantly insist I do something or bug me can lead you to get your feelings hurt.

2. You buy a drink I must have a conversation or exchange numbers.

First, who doesn't like free stuff. You're offering? If I want it, I'm taking. Now I'm polite (and I like my life and there are so many unstable crazies out there) so I will engage you in conversation. However my acceptance of said drink does not obligate me to give you any information about myself nor does it bind me to you for the entire night. To assume other wise can lead you to get your feelings hurt.

3. I'm not smiling. That means I'm angry.

Honestly, that's just how my face falls. Can't seem to help it. I am not that person that's just smiling constantly. When I do that means I am really having a good day. If I'm not, that doesn't mean I'm upset. However, if you constantly ask me what's wrong I will start to get irritated. Which will eventually make me angry because not only have you annoyed me to the point of anger, you have now reminded me of something, somewhere I probably should be angry about. That alone will lead you into a conversation that will lead you to get your feelings hurt.

4. I'm smiling so I'm in a great mood.

For me, that's true typically. Unless I'm discussing something you didn't do, did do that wasn't appropriate, or something that is very seriously bothering me. If I am in the process of 'fussing' you out, you want to see my smile. Then there is hope. The smile keeps me from completely unleashing the dragon on your ass. If the smile leaves, cover should for sure be taken. So depending on the context, assumption that my smile means joy could lead you to get your feelings hurt.

5. Those who flirt and interested.

Sorry guys. Many women just like to flirt. Some do it maliciously with the intent to hook you. Has nothing to do with their interest in you or not. It sucks. I know. Men do it too so it's not like it's only a woman thing. Either way, assumption that flirting = interest is a BAD assumption and will SURELY lead you to get your feelings hurt.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Just One Thing

3:08 AM |

Everything but the kitchen sink...

As I was driving home from work today, I turned to the Michael Baisden Show for a brief moment, just in time to hear them discussing a letter written to them by a listener with a serious question. The writer stated in her letter that she was in love with this man. He was basically perfect in every way. He was great with the children, managed the household and finances, treated her know all that great stuff. However, the one area he was lacking was in the bedroom. She was asking wether or not to go get herself a "maintenance man".

Of course there were several comments, some comical, but it did get me to think. She is not the only one in that situation. It has been said by many women before that they don't know what to do because they have this great man but is just not satisfying their needs. So many seem torn as to what to do. I just don't really understand why.

First of all, if this is your man, your love, your everything, why can't you talk to him about your needs? Now trust, no man wants to hear that he's not satisfying you, so the conversation can be awkward. But every man wants to be king-ding-a-ling in bed, and many, given the chance, will do whatever it takes to make you see him that way.

The problem is, most women LIE. They want to pretend and get it over with. THAT is what messes up many women's sex lives. You can't blame your dude for not satisfying you when you keep telling him he's doing everything right. How is he supposed to know?

Don't think your man can't learn to please you. Remember, they were all virgins at some point, so it's not like they can't learn. Now if you've told your guy what you want, and he just refuses to do it, then you have a larger problem that just sex.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Moment of Simple

12:16 PM |

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Big Time Attititude

3:05 PM |

"damn black women are so hard to put up with".....

I thought about several ways to address this statement. Some explored some of the characteristics that are typically associated with a "difficult" black woman. Some explored the notion that all women of all races have the ability to be difficult. But really when I look at it, it's not about the woman. The issue is that many times, the brothers that are making this statement are just.......what's the word I'm looking for..........

Let's just be honest, men who make these blanket statement have a history of choosing difficult/bitchy/crazy women. And if they were to go outside of the black woman and date someone else they'd probably still be having the same issues. (Remember Bill Bellamy's character from the movie "The Brothers"). You picked her. You looked at her and decided you'd make your move. You 'dated' her (and I use the term loosely because let's just be honest most black people don't date). You decided to make her your boo. So then...what's wrong with you?

And then there are those who make these statements, because they are just honestly trifflin'. They simply don't want to put in the effort into making a relationship work. I'm not saying relationships have to be hard. Because they shouldn't be hard. It's about effort. What are you willing to give so that the other can be happy and what are they willing to give so that you can be happy. Too often, these 'black women are difficult' brothers just don't want to do shit. If you're not doing anything to please her, what makes you think she's going to waste time pleasing you?

And then there's this whole rah-rah about how 'black women always have something to say'. You want a dumb chic. Get a dumb chic. You want someone who doesn't say anything or talk back, go date a mute. (Even then the mute chic might get at you with her sign language).

Bottom line is, if you feel that all black women are bitches, then you're only dating bitches. If you fee like all black women are gold diggers, then you're only dating gold diggers. If you feel that black women are difficult then you're only dating difficult women. Be honest. There is enough diversity among black women that you can get your push over, your bitch, your servant, your sugar mama, your....whatever it is you want. Stop generalizing, and check yourself dude. When you sit down and look at it, the problem may not be her....

Monday, August 2, 2010

"New Love"

10:01 AM |

Boo vs Leech....

Show me a man that went from being a professional or a good student, lively, prompt, dedicated, dependable, etc. to flaky, depressed, stressed, inconsistent, etc. and I'll show you a man caught up in this "new love". While it affects both genders, new love is this strange phenomena is seen most commonly when in a man enters a relationship with a woman and his professional life and personal life go to shit. Usually indicated substantial and sudden changes in personality and habits rendering a once good individual into a shell of his former self.

Now I get it. When a relationship is fresh and new you want to spend all your time with this new love. Nothing else seems to matter. It's all about that person. However, the first time you have to sit down with the big man in charge (boss, teacher, parents) and atone for your fuck ups should be an eye-opener and often it's not.

At some point you have to determine wether or not this person has your best interests at heart. It's very possible that the woman you are with is suffering from this new love phenomena just as much as the man is. If that is the case then the two need to sit down and really make sure that what they are doing doesn't distract or deter either from important things in their lives.

However it's important to note that not everyone that says they love you actually loves you. Not everyone has your best interest in mind. There are plenty of women(and men) that like to attach themselves to successful men(or women), suck all the marrow out of their bones and leave them brittle and broken on the side of the road. That's the leech, the succubus, the soul-stealer, the man eater. That's the kind you have to watch out for. And TRUST they are everywhere! If at any point your new love encourages you not to do something that a) makes you money b)keeps you from doing important work or c) keeps you from spending time with your family (even if your mom has a re-occuring role on Maury) that is a HUGE red flag.

In short, if a person is down for you, they are down for you. That includes your studies, your paper chase, and all of the other things that were important to you before you boo-ed up. And your true 'boo' will do NOTHING that prevents you from being successful. Remember EVERYONE shows their true colors, you just have to be awake enough to see them.

Side note to the fellas: If your girl is trying to run you, tell you want to do, keep you from handling business.....GROW A PAIR, and tell that chic BACK UP and let you HANDLE YOURS!! BE A MAN!