An honest dialogue about love, life, and everything in-between...

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Know your role

7:29 PM |

...a guide for women

Too often I have had women crying in my ear about why things have fallen apart in their supposed relationships. Many times it's because they have failed to realize one very important thing: they weren't in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship to begin with. After discussing this with some male friends of mine, I have discovered that to them women fit into one of four categories: The Wifey, The Other Woman (aka The Chic on the Side), The Homegirl and the Jump Off. It is important for women to know their role before jumping off the deep end screaming "why o why". Please allow me to assist you in defining your role. Note that all the ways will not be listed here, so feel free to add on/modify as you see fit.

Are you???
The Wifey:

Aside from the women in his life connected to him by blood (mother, grandmother, aunt, sister, cousin), this is the primary woman in his life. She is also known as the Girlfriend, the Girl, or the Wife (legally or by street terms). Often this is the woman seen with him in public at any given hour of the day. Sporadic public displays of affection can be given to this woman in either forms of holding hands, kissing, arm around her, etc. unless they both agree not to engage in pda's. Never the less you will clearly be able to tell by their interaction if she is in-fact the "wifey". She is introduced to friends and sometimes family (if the timing is right) willingly. You will typically find them engaging in the stereotypical roles of a girlfriend/boyfriend style relationship.

The Other Woman:

Who knows what the men get out of a relationship with the other woman. Trying to define this is in a sense trying to define why men cheat. So many people have tried, and so many people have failed. This woman could be his last thrill before taking the big plunge into a very long term monogamous relationship. She could be providing some comfort and understanding he doesn't get from his current girl. She could be just his freak, his fantasy to which he escapes the cares of the day with. Even with all these possibilities you can tell pretty easily if you are the other and not the only. The other woman will typically never visit the house. If you do, it's either at odd hours or you have to leave early or in a rush. You won't spend any holidays with that man. You also won't be taking any pictures together. If you go out, it will be in areas neither of you two frequent. Usually he'll say he wants to visit someplace "new" and it'll be in some off beat part of town. If your man is participating in any of this behavior, be on the look out, you could very well be the other woman.

The Homegirl:

This is the girl he can talk to; no pressure, no strings, no worries. There are no built in requirements for the amount of time that should be spent with each other. There are no rules in how long you should talk, how often you should talk. And as one stated, no petty arguments like "why didn't you call me back". Basically, the homegirl relationship is the one that's drama free. For guys homegirls are important because they help shed light into the female psyche as well as enable the man to have a healthy state of mind. Many times they can come to her with things they wouldn't normally share with their guy friends; sometimes things they wouldn't even share with their "wifey". This can generate a connection between the two that can worry even the most stable of relationships, so be careful not to blur the lines too much. Also be aware that most men surveyed for this don't believe that men and women can truly be just friends if they find each other attractive. So you could potentially end up "bent over a couch" but be straightened back up again and still be expected to be friends. They way you determine if you are the homegirl is simple. Most guys will ask you out if they are trying to "court" you (yes, old school for you). If you've never had a conversation about the two of you dating or where this relationship is going, you're just a friend.

The Jump Off:

Ladies. This is where many of you are. Don't confuse his attention to you in the bedroom as a legitimate relationship. Sure he calls you all the time. But for what reason? Do you talk or just make plans? Are you restricted in the times you can call him? Does he acknowledge you as someone significant in public settings? Unsure if you are the jump off? How can you tell? Answer these simple questions:

1. Have you met his friends? If so, think about how he introduces you. If the words, "homegirl", "friend", "girl" don't come with the introductions, take notice.

2. Have you had conversations that don't involve sex? Have your conversations been more than a "Are you home? What are you doing tonight? Can I come over?"

3. Does he do things for you?

4. Have you ever gone on a date? A real date?

5. Do you see each other DURING THE DAY out side of the house? (not including work or other mutual friend gatherings).

If you have answered no to any of these questions, YOU ARE THE JUMP OFF. Plain and simple.


In conclusion, be aware of your role. If you don't like your role, reject it and get out. If you accept it, really accept it and don't look for clues or fantasy hints to try and move you to a more preferred role. If your role does change it will do so naturally and with out any interference from you. And men, please be aware of the roles you have put the women in your life in and be conscious of them. Apparently women are emotionally charged creatures (excluding the author). Don't confuse them with shiny objects and blur the lines. You'll cause more drama for yourselves that way.

Many thanks to all those who helped me write this: W2, Queen Fiend, Smoke, and Mr. Stark.


Kim said...

I'll give you a A on this one. I would add just this one comment. After our female counterparts have found their current classification on your list, I need for them to be secure in their role. If you are the jump off it's okay. Heck I'm sure he has no problems with his jumpoff classification. Get yours! First for that matter!!!!