An honest dialogue about love, life, and everything in-between...

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Thoughts on the Eve of Another Birthday

11:00 PM |

I can't believe yet another year has past. I don't feel like tomorrow is my birthday. If it wasn't for the date I probably still wouldn't know tomorrow is my born day. But like I do every year, I sit here as the dawn of another birthday approaches, I'm filled with a bunch of mixed emotions as I reflect on the past year. I'm still reeling from probably the most stressful and tumultuous years I've ever had. Extreme financial distress. Unstable job environment. The loss of so many people. Family stresses. Injuries. Insecurities. And I dealt with it alone. In my own head. In private. Sometimes leaving me feeling isolated and lonely. Even when I did take a few visits to church to try and pray about what I was feeling, I just balled. Can't remember the last time I've cried as much as I have over the past year. To sum it up: This past year SUCKED!

But at the same time, I've had some really great moments. I've traveled like I wanted to. Visited places I've never been but always wanted to go. Designed some really nice things. Taken more time for myself. I can say I've made it. In all the crap and mess I've always felt that I could make it. That it would be over soon. That things would get better. That they'd have to get better. There was no choice but to get better. I don't know if that's my sheer stubbornness - a trait that my mother quite often likes to remind me that I have, or the possibly destructive way I deal with stress, or divine intervention or what. But no matter what happens in my life I know that I'm going to make it. I have no choice but to make it through. I guess it's because I've held on to two sayings very closely:

"In the end it will be alright. If it's not alright, it's not the end" and the prayer of serenity "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."

And I get through it. I put my big girl panties on and keep marching. Gotta make it. Instead of trudging through neck deep mud, it's about knee deep right now. Where am I headed? I don't know honestly. Don't know what my next move is. What I want to do. Where I want to go. Who knows. All I know is I'm making moves and hoping my heart guides my feet in the next direction. I'm grateful for the turn around, for family, for friends far and wide I hardly ever talk (but are always on my mind), for my ever challenging students, for my current and former colleagues. I'm grateful for my talents, my opportunities, and my mind. My only goal for this year is to live a life I'm happy to reflect back on this time next year.

Happy Birthday to me.