...journey, destination or a state of mind


Every time I go home, I am asked the question "Are you happy?" Sometimes I simply say yes unconvincingly (judging by the questioner's facial response and a condescending "okay"). Sometimes I say I'm content. Immediately I ask myself why do I always get this question. I know I carry my distaste for all things stupid, annoying and downright infuriating on my face. However, I wasn't aware that I was unconsciously displaying any signs of me being unhappy. To be honest I never really think about it. I'm just so used to just "being" that whether or not "just being" is making me happy never really enters my mind. Sadly at this point I'm not sure what will make me respond to that question with a yes.

The destination???

Unfortunately, I'm still trying to find my place. Am I supposed to be in the city I'm in? Am I supposed to be teaching? I'm always moving but I'm still stuck in the same place, same situations. That's probably because I don't know which direction I'm supposed to be moving towards. When I was in school I had a lot of pipe dreams. After graduation the real world came crashing down on me and accomplishing my dreams shattered into the reality of trying to survive. I don't even know if what I wanted then, is what I need now. And because I don't know, will I ever find that happiness? Is happiness a destination? When I reach that goal I'm supposed to have for myself, will that make me happy?

The journey???

So I began to not thing of happiness as a point in my life. My attempt was then to take pleasure in the simple joys of every day life. Be happy doing every day things and reveling in the new steps and direction (or lack there of) my life was taking me in. Then, I began to teach. And being that I look every day at the faces of the new idiots that are going to one day control my future, even little miss sunshine (which I'm not even remotely close to being) couldn't hold on to all her happiness. Suddenly my daily journey doesn't hold much pleasantry either.

A state of mind???

All in all I think we all know that happiness is really in the state of mind. Right now my state of mind is pretty clouded and jaded. To be completely honest, I don't believe I've been this cynical since high school. But I do believe that if you wake up every day with the intention to be happy, you will be. Your situations and surroundings may suck, but all in all you have that happy place in your person to retreat to. Some days it may be a lot harder to find that happy place, but it's there.

It's not to say that I'm unhappy. I don't think you always have to be an either or. That limbo of in between is where you often find the most clarity in my opinion. Happiness can sometimes lead you to looking at your world through rose colored glasses. Blinding you to the reality of your situations. While you don't want to always just exist, I don't think anyone should feel the pressure to always be happy. Not being happy is not the same as being unhappy. I don't think there's anything wrong with just being. Because when you really find that happiness, it will be much more fulfilling, appreciated and recognizable.