What?  I see. Why??? I hate you! I'm free! It OK...

Breakups can truly suck. But just like there are stages of grief, there are stages of a breakup that many, if not all, of us go through. And after watching someone literally go through each of these stages almost a day at a time, I thought I'd share the stages with you all so you can recognize where you might be in this cycle and where you'll probably be headed next.

Stage 1: Shock/Disbelief

There are instances in a breakup where one party has no idea that this breakup is coming. When it does come they're left in a state of confusion and disbelief that the person they are with no longer wishes to be with them. Even if the breakup is mutual or has been seen coming, when it's actually finally happening it can still be a bit of a shock. Sort of a --Wow, it's actually over. This part can be like a punch in the stomach. All the air seems to have left your body. Many times it can be numbing and unreal. But typically this stage passes within a reasonable time period. It's not a long lasting Stage.




Stage 2: Reflection

As you start to come out of Stage 1, you start to think about some things and people tend to look back. Review instances where in hindsight they can see that the person they were with wasn't happy. They can see areas where they  could have done better. Situations that they could have handled differently. This is an important stage that many people either spend entirely too much time in (perpetually dwell in the shoulda/coulda/woulda's until they are just sick with regret) or not enough time in. Everyone should spend a little time in this phase because there are many lessons to learn in this phase. You can see not only where you could make improvements, but also what you may have been missing as well. You can asses your needs as well as what you currently have to offer another. It can ultimately help you in your next relationship by pointing out the positives as well as the negatives.



Stage 3: Sadness

You would think that after you've had some time to process what happened you'd be closer to acceptance. You'd be wrong. Many times after looking back you really start to see how bad things were or how much you weren't getting from the other person or you start missing the good times and you just get sad. Sad. Sad. And more sad. All the things the two of you used to do together are now gone and you start to have empty spots and times during your days and weekends. Activities that you used to enjoy now bring you sadness because they're just a constant reminder of your past relationship. You may cry a lot here. It's ok. You have to grieve the end of that time. But don't let yourself slip into a depression here. Be very careful because it can happen.Your support network is going to be key here. They have to let you cry and get it out, but they can't let you just flounder in your sadness. So don't be afraid to lean on your friends and family if you need them.



Stage 4: Anger

After all that crying and all that reflecting and all that shock, you get to a point where you just get angry. You start to think--well if he wanted to go be with other people why did he even bother with making this thing with us serious. Or -- if she was so unhappy why didn't she just say something, how am I supposed to know. And you get angry. Mad that they let things go on so long unchecked because there could have been a way to fix it. You get upset that the other didn't think enough of you or your commitment to think you'd be willing to try and work things out. Mad that they didn't even try to give the relationship a chance to try and improve. This is where the cursing and I hate them come in. It's fine. It's natural. It'll pass. (Unless the breakup is from a true wrong doing - in which case it'll be around for a good bit).





Stage 5: Euphoria

This is the stage where you start to realize all the things you can do now that you're not attached. All the friends you can see again. All the unbothered free time. You can kind of rejoin the world that so many people in couples tend to leave behind. You start to call people you haven't talked to in a while. Hang out after work without worrying about having to check in. Talk to people of the other (or same) sex and not worry that someone is going to misinterpret every hello, handshake and hug. And you start to feel free. Things are just great! There are so many things you can do now. It's a huge sense of just pure relief and happiness that you probably weren't expecting to feel. Now this may or may not be true happiness. So don't let this phase have you fooled. It is quite possible that you can cycle through phases 3 - 5 a bit before stage 6 comes.





Stage 6: Acceptance

Really once you come down from that high of feeling free, you do begin to accept the fact that things have ended. You realize that yes it'll be hard at times probably, but it won't be insurmountable. You can move on and there are things still out there in the world for you. This is the phase where you can probably truly begin a friendship with that ex if you want. Trying to do so before this can just make things weird because there are still so many emotions tumbling around in there. But this is the end of the cycle. You can move on and find ways to truly be happy.




So these are the stages as I see and have experienced them. Knowing where you may be in this cycle could help you move on or prepare for the next stage. Just know that if you are going through a breakup, things will get better. No matter how bad it may feel.

Dedicated to my old roomie...

This is dedicated to my old roommate from a long time ago back when we shared a dorm room in school. Instead of an alarm clock, I would set the timer on my stereo and wake up to 1 of two songs. The first was Method Man and Mary J Blige's All I Need. The second was this lovely tune that I probably only used a few times because the longer my stereo 'alarm' went on, the louder it turned up so by the time the beat dropped it was really REALLY loud.

Hey Sarah.....WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT....WHAT...WHAT!!!

It's my Blog-a-versary!

September is a big month for me. My birthday is in September. Parent's anniversary is in September. Got a few friends and family who's birthdays are in September. I need to renew my hosting account before the month ends. And I started my blog in September. It's the Disillusioned Black Girl's Anniversary! Well, technically it was yesterday but alas, close enough! I started this blog back in 2005. It's been 8 years. Can't really believe it.

So to honor this occasion, I'm going to write in a category that I haven't written since December of last year. This blog-a-versary post is.....

NOT A GOOD LOOK

This lady looks airbrushed and lovely right. Prepping for bed, hair secure and safe from night time damage. Nothing about this image says she's ready to go out in public. I don't care how much make up is added on to her face. She should never leave the house with this on her head. Too many of you think it's OK and no matter how many of us stand up and scream PLEASE STOP! You continue. So let me add my voice to the plea...

STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! I don't care what the reasoning is. I don't care if you're just going to run a quick errand, not getting out of your car, just woke up, hair not looking right. I. DON'T. CARE. You cannot rationalize or justify this behavior to me. I've talked about it once before a long time ago, and was just recently having this conversation again with a group of my students so allow me to repeat myself.

Stop it!

It doesn't matter what the iteration of this offense is. Wether it's the sleep cap with the elastic band that ruffles at the bottom, the satin scarf in all it's various shades and patterns, the mesh wrap with the velcro closure for those ladies that wrap their hair at night, or the rollers - bet not let me catch you in public in rollers - it's not ok.

There are so many other bad hair day solutions. A pony tail. A hat. An actual decorative scarf. Gel to slick the short styles down. A wig. Most Walmarts and grocery stores are 24 hours. If you're hair isn't done or presentable, you have time to get it together. There is no reason to wear your sleep gear out in public. If the task needs to be handled before you can complete your follicle maintenance routine then please see the list of acceptable bad hair day solutions.

There are so many people you have the potential to encounter on every excursion out of your house. Regardless if it's a quick run to the store or a walk out to the mailbox. You just simply never know who may be watching. So why not put your best foot forward. Plus we as Black women have so much mess and stereotypes to overcome, let's not continue to add fuel to the fire.

This should go without saying. Every woman on the planet knows that sleep caps, scarves, rollers, hair wraps in public are just NOT GOOD LOOKS!

For more advice on what you should probably stop doing immediately - take a look more Not A Good Look posts.

Part I: How to win a girl's heart...

So lately I've been reading a lot. And one time, unbeknownst to me, after reading several books, I found my self engrossed in none other than a romance novel. Now this is surprising for me because, though I write about relationships, I hate to watch romantic comedies, let alone read about anyone else's "wonderful" romance. (Bitter much? Yea, probably). But anyway... After the first, I read another, then another, then another. And what I've discovered is that they're basically revealing the same concepts about attraction and the art of falling for someone. Quite honestly, the concepts in these books are really guidelines about how to win a girl's heart and at the same time, what you should avoid doing if you don't want to get caught up.

Let's explore the first: How to win a girls heart (What women are attracted to).

1. Appearance:
Let's face it, women are drawn to pretty just like men are. However we have a broader spectrum of what we constitute as attractive. In most of these books the men are described as absolutely stunning. And why wouldn't they be - it's a romance novel - who wants to read about two mudducks getting it in...

Anyway....

Appearance isn't always in the face and body. I even read a book about a guy who had bad burn scars but the woman was still drawn to him. Often it's in the way you present yourself.  How you dress, how you groom yourself. So if you want to catch the eyes of the ladies, keep up a good maintenance routine on yourself. Find your best assets and highlight them.

2. Confidence:
Fellas, I can't stress enough the importance of being a confident man. Not cocky! But secure in who you are, what you do, where you're trying to go in life. And carry yourself in a way that displays that you know these things. That is sexy as hell.

3. Personality:
While appearance and confidence are key, the thing that ultimately draws in the female of choice in these books is personality. There are usually other men in these books with confidence and attractiveness, but they don't get the girl. Why? Because they're assholes. So don't be a jerk.

4. Security and Support:
Most of the books I've read involve some type of crime/rescue situation. But one thing I can say that women want is security. Not necessarily that you'll beat up every bad guy that comes around. We know you all aren't Batman. But what we want to know is that, no matter what happens, you have our backs. With all the chaos, and craziness that goes on in our lives, we just want to know that if we need to lean on you, you won't let us fall. Make us feel safe and you'll get everything.

5. Show your softer side:
Every man has a soft spot for something. Kids? Elderly? Puppies? Whatever it is, show it to the lady you're trying to attract. That embeds that kind and caring image into our minds. Showing your awareness to the needs of others helps women see how you'd be able to show awareness to our needs. Get it? Get it? ----Probably not----

So there you have it. The top 5 things a guy can learn from reading romance novels - Getting the girl. In Part II I will explore the top 5 things a guy can learn about not getting caught up.

I can't believe yet another year has past. I don't feel like tomorrow is my birthday. If it wasn't for the date I probably still wouldn't know tomorrow is my born day. But like I do every year, I sit here as the dawn of another birthday approaches, I'm filled with a bunch of mixed emotions as I reflect on the past year. I'm still reeling from probably the most stressful and tumultuous years I've ever had. Extreme financial distress. Unstable job environment. The loss of so many people. Family stresses. Injuries. Insecurities. And I dealt with it alone. In my own head. In private. Sometimes leaving me feeling isolated and lonely. Even when I did take a few visits to church to try and pray about what I was feeling, I just balled. Can't remember the last time I've cried as much as I have over the past year. To sum it up: This past year SUCKED!

But at the same time, I've had some really great moments. I've traveled like I wanted to. Visited places I've never been but always wanted to go. Designed some really nice things. Taken more time for myself. I can say I've made it. In all the crap and mess I've always felt that I could make it. That it would be over soon. That things would get better. That they'd have to get better. There was no choice but to get better. I don't know if that's my sheer stubbornness - a trait that my mother quite often likes to remind me that I have, or the possibly destructive way I deal with stress, or divine intervention or what. But no matter what happens in my life I know that I'm going to make it. I have no choice but to make it through. I guess it's because I've held on to two sayings very closely:

"In the end it will be alright. If it's not alright, it's not the end" and the prayer of serenity "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."

And I get through it. I put my big girl panties on and keep marching. Gotta make it. Instead of trudging through neck deep mud, it's about knee deep right now. Where am I headed? I don't know honestly. Don't know what my next move is. What I want to do. Where I want to go. Who knows. All I know is I'm making moves and hoping my heart guides my feet in the next direction. I'm grateful for the turn around, for family, for friends far and wide I hardly ever talk (but are always on my mind), for my ever challenging students, for my current and former colleagues. I'm grateful for my talents, my opportunities, and my mind. My only goal for this year is to live a life I'm happy to reflect back on this time next year.

Happy Birthday to me.

They can't rhyme like this...

When I woke up this morning, I saw a text from my sister telling me of the passing of Chris "Mac Daddy" Kelly.  Even got tagged in a post from an old friend I haven't talked to in years about it on Facebook.  All I could say was: Devastated.

For those who don't know who he was, Chris Kelly was 1/2 of the group Kris Kross from the early 90's.  They were the boys with the pants to the back. The anti-Another Bad Creation.  Two little kids with a flow that was never heard.

Though he was no longer in the limelight, this death struck me. This was differently from all the other stars who 'shined brighter'. I mean, I never thought they'd continue to make music and transition from child stars to adult hip-hop artists (but who's to say that it couldn't have happened). I was under no delusion that the duo would ever make another another album. It struck me because regardless of wether they were liked or respected for what they did, they were an icon of my youth. Their music marked moments in my personal timeline. Reminded me of good times. Made me smile with the memories.

90's music had eras.  Eras where groups and labels just dominated. Bad Boy, No Limit, Def Jam, Missy and Tim - they all had their moments.  And Kris Kross were a major part of the So-So Def era. They had an impact, however distant and far and small it may seem now.

The two never seemed like they transitioned out of the world's eye very well to me.  Seemed like life had been hard on him especially. I dunno.  This one has me feeling some kind of way......It's a shame.

R.I.P 'Kris'.