An honest dialogue about love, life, and everything in-between...

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Deal Breakers

7:00 AM | Labels: , , , , ,

What you won't do for love...

As ladies we are always told in every self-help and relationship book ever published that we need to establish what our absolute relationship deal breakers are. In other words, out of our multi-page list of requirements for our potential partner, what are the ones we are absolutely not able to compromise on. After watching an episode of a series on my favorite YouTube channel, Black&Sexy.TV (go support), I began to wonder if guys are ever thinking about their absolute deal breakers.

Like I said, as women we are encouraged to come up with this list all the time. But I don't think I've ever overheard guys having that conversation. However, for guys I think taking time to think about this concept is equally important. Not only for the sake of exploring the things you ultimately want out of your relationship, but to see if the person you are currently with or considering spending the rest of your life fits  your requirements. I'm not talking shallow things like looks or can she cook. I'm talking having and raising children, money and finance topics, and general life wellness goals.

Too often I think guys assume that women want what they consider to be typical women things.
One example can be having children. I think many men assume that women want to be mothers. However there is a population of women who have no desire to be a mother. If having a family is a deal breaker for you, wouldn't it be important to know this woman you have fallen head over heels for and probably want to marry doesn't want children. I think many of these types of conversations never happen because people assume that the other wants what most "typical" women/men want. However some of these things can be major game changers and warrant honest discussions.

In general I think too many couples push forward onto the next phases of their relationships without having open conversations about what their expectations and desires are. I think both parties need to honestly put their expectations, hopes and dreams on the table and talk it out. See where you can meet in the middle on some topics. See where you just simply will not give up or compromise on. Sometimes what comes out of these conversations may reveal a deal breaker to you that you might not have even considered. Remember marriage is supposed to be till death. Are these things that you can live with or without?



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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

All or Nothing

7:15 AM | Labels: , ,

Do you really want to be someone's 'everything'...

This past holiday I had the pleasure of returning home. And while driving about the town, the local radio station decided to play every Beyoncé song in existence. That lead me to ponder this one line she has in the song 'Irreplaceable'.

"Since I'm not your everything, how about I'll be nothing..."

How many of you ladies out there want to be everything to your man? Show of hands? Really? That many? My question to you is....WHY? That's a lot of pressure and let's be honest, none of us are that fly to be everything to someone.

You've heard those out there saying they want to be the mamma, daddy, sister, brother, the sun, the moon, the wind, the stars, the mountains, everything to their partner. What for? Don't they have those already? If not, then fine....go be that. But for me, I don't care to be all these other people, these other things for you....I want to be your woman.

I want you to be able to bring your interests, your friends, your family, your life together with mine and make a beautiful union together. Share and learn from each other. Not lose ourselves in our relationship but be there as a support as we grow and accomplish our dreams together. In order for that to happen, I can't be your 'everything'.

Don't get me wrong. At some point, I'd want to be someone's priority, and maybe even muse. But I don't think I'd ever want to be someone's everything. Nor would I want someone to be that for me. I'll reserve that 'everything' position for my (future) child.

Bottom line, we're all fallible. If you let someone put you that high on a pedestal, you'll break your neck when you fall. And trust me, we all fall at some point.



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Thursday, May 5, 2011

Relationship Requirements

12:00 PM | Labels: , , , ,

The cycle of expectations...

As you grow up, what you require out of a partner changes. (Or at least it should). What was good enough at 16 should not be good enough at 35. What you could tolerate at 25 you will not put up with at 40. And that is as it should be. Ideally, as a person you have matured, grown, made advances in your life that make it absolutely impossible to continue dealing with the same 'type' of people. So here's kind of my summary of the dating requirements at the various stages of life:

Teenage years:
You require nothing but a driver's license typically. And even that isn't fully required. You guys need little to nothing from the person you are dating. Everything you need right now should (in an ideal world) be coming from a parent or some other adult in your life. Too tragically for many that is not the case. But really at 16, dating should be fun. Hanging out, no cares, no worries, just the two of you enjoying your time.

Let's just be honest we all know that dating as a teen comes with teenage type drama, but it really shouldn't be that way. Too many of you young people are entering into grown up relationships with no grownup experience. Take some time and be a child. You only have a few years at this age. What do you really have to have drama over? He's cheating?? Of course he is. He's a 16 year old boy who just discovered what his ding-dong could do.... anyway... I'm off track....

College years - 25ish:
This is where the dating scene starts to evolve a bit. For many who went to school in the south, this is where you start to seek out your potential wife or husband. Your requirements here are a bit more evolved, but still have a few of the requirements of your teenage dating years. You want to get out there and meet people. Have fun. Party. And as you get towards the end of your college career and post graduation, you start to look for someone who has goals and aspirations. Someone who is starting to work towards those goals. Someone who can take this journey to the top together with you. Neither one of you have too much of anything. It doesn't even really matter if you are not 100% sure of what you want to do. But that's OK because you can get it together. We can figure it out. You help me, I help you, kind of thing.

Post 25 - 35:
Now it starts the time of standards. Many have gotten to at least level 1 of their future goals. Some are even farther than that in their master life plan. You have houses, cars, expenses, (sometimes kids). You are working towards getting to the next level in your career. So you are looking for someone who is as close to your level as possible. Someone who can add what they have to what you have to help you build your empire. Someone who has absolutely nothing at this stage in the game starts to be a bit more unacceptable. At this stage, you are way to busy and have too much going on to be dragging someone else along with you.

--These are my assumptions. I'm not there yet on the scale so I can't really speak from experience. But this is what I will be doing when I hit those ages--

Mid-life:
At this point, you either have all of what you want or you are really super close. So why on earth would you waste your time dealing with someone who has nothing, or is still struggling to make it? You've been there and done that. You're ready to be happy and comfortable. That doesn't mean you're settled in and not moving about. It just means that you don't have time for drama, excuses, or empty promises. I think here, you're looking for more stability.

Post Mid-life:
This is the stage I think it reverts back to your teenage years. You just want to have fun. You're fully settled in. You need no one for anything really other than companionship. So as long as they aren't in the relationship for your money, you have no problem dealing with someone who doesn't have anything. As long as they treat you well, support you anyway they can, and are someone you truly enjoy spending time with then it's all good for you.

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Essentially, your requirements from your potential mate are yours and yours alone. However, regardless of what dating stage you are currently in, you must have standards. It is not cute to be in the street at 40 trying to pull out another 40 year old's weave because you caught her sleeping with your man. At some point you have to simply put away childish things. Don't put up with bs just to have someone to lay beside at night. Love yourself enough to know what you will and will not tolerate. If you expect more from yourself at certain ages, the you must expect more from the person/people you choose to spend your time with.



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