An honest dialogue about love, life, and everything in-between...

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Advice To A Young Man

10:06 PM |

Liquor induced honest conversation...

This past weekend I walked in on a conversation my friends were having with a young bruh. Apparently as a young man he was seeking advice on a particular situation from some slightly older women. So here's the situation. He currently has one lady friend that lives near by. They hang out really only in the evenings. Basically he stated that she was the one he called up to come over and watch a movie on the couch. Not that they talked all the time or that they go out. Not that they couldn't but she just doesn't serve that role for him. I think more or less he was trying to say that she was his jump off with out being rude in a room full of women. He then says he has this other girl out of state that he talks to all the time and has apparently more of those "if she were here we could see where things went" qualities. But all in all he wasn't really sure.

His major question was, he was graduating, and even though neither of the two girls were really what he wanted, should he keep the better of the two around. Basically "wife" them up. His logic was mostly that he was worried about the possiblities of meeing someone after college. It's a normal concern because you will never be in a place like that again with such an available popuilation. He stated that he wasn't really one of those that approaches people and was just curious as to how this whole dating thing went after school was over. He knew that he was not mentally in the place where he was ready to be in a full on committed relationship, but that he didn't want to potentially toss away someone that could be good for him later on down the line. He was also clearly worried about ending up alone.

I think that many people find themselves in similar situations. To be honest I think many of my friends now are in a situation that resulted from that fear of being alone. You know, that whole "she's good enough" thing. Some even have this idea about when they should be married or at least thinking about married. There's this magic age, magic time that they feel like they should be considering those options instead of letting their inner voice tell them when it's time.

The advice: We all let him know collectivly that his concerns were normal. He is a young man in the face of turning a major corner in his life. But we emphasised that he was young. The married women of the group let him know that when the time is right and the person is right he'll know. He won't have to fear that he's settling or that he's making a big mistake. The single women in the room assured him that there is life after undergrad. I think so many young people forget that. Just because you are no longer in school doesn't mean that you'll never socialize again. You'll always be meeting new people and if you are concious about being out and about you'll have the opportunity to meet and date several other people. Truthfully I think that he knew that but just wanted reassurance.

I think it's so interesting how poeple have become so afraid of being single. Like it's the plague or something. For some reason single has become associated with being alone. When in actuality you still have friends, you still have family, you still have things that can keep your life full. I know that everyone would love to have that special somebody to share their lives with, but if you don't get that opportunity what are you going to do? Settle? And end up dealing with lifetime of misery, divorce, trouble? Or accept it as live you life and love it?

It was interesting to hear a guy have these concerns. We all know that they do, but many never talk about it. Least of all to a room full of strange women you don't know. Amazing what a bit of liquor can do right?


Lawrenorder said...

It'll get worse for him as he sees his friends pair up and then wonder why he hasn't. It's THEN that he really needs to watch out for "settling" because his friends might attempt to pair him up with any number of people, but it'll take a special friend, that really wants the best for him (not just a buddy he can hang out w/ because he's also married) to introduce him to someone that might be a good match. Either way, y'all are right, when it's time he'll know, and if he's on the fence about either of the women he's currently seeing, the real question is, if his ultimate goal is to be married, does he want to continue to put effort into relationships that aren't headed in that direction. If he's really communicating with either of these women he can pose the question "what do you want?" "where do you see this going?" and proceed from there. Everyone knows dealing with another person is a WHOLE lot of work. Are you putting in that effort with someone that isn't part of your plan? I don't know about you, but I'm not going to build a house if I don't plan on living there. That's just crazy talk!