Can't seem to shake it....

This morning I woke up and realized something. I'll probably never reach the heights of success the way I want to because I'm scared. I know it's stupid, and I know it's completely irrational but I believe that's what's been holding me back. I wasn't really aware of it until this morning.

So I have big ideas. Ideas for clothing, ideas for greeting cards, ideas for websites, ideas for a lot of things. I've got sites set up for my special occasions designs (wedding invitations, save the dates, baby shower invites, etc). But I haven't promoted them. I've got a holiday mailer made up to advertise all of my Christmas card designs. But I haven't mailed it out. I'm scared that if people really like them, I will not have the time nor the resources to put things out by myself. I know that if I get my ideas off the ground, I know that I would not be able to maintain the company alone. Bringing in other people into my ideas scares me. Not only will they be exposed to "my ideas", but I'll now be responsible for taking care of them. I'll be responsible for the taxes and all the other things that come along with running a business. Plus there are so many unknown factors that I don't feel adequately prepared for what could happen.

I'm also scared of what people think. Now in my every day life I could care less what people think about me. But when it comes to my designs, my art, I'm terrified of not being good. Oh sure people have given me accolades on what I've done. I guess it's just the artist in me that knows I can do better. I mean I have my moments where I look at things I've done and had to completely pat myself on the back because I know it's dope. But even those moments I'm scared to share with people outside of my creative circle. This blog allows me to do it because so few people from my waking life read it. It's safe.

Then I'm also scared just about my skills alone. Like for instance right now, I'm in a design low. I have little to no inspiration. I'm able to go back and modify and create new things out of what I've already done, but I haven't been inspired to create anything new in a long time. If my design business was to grow much larger than it is now, then I would have to figure out ways to get out of these creative slumps and I haven't been able to figure it out for years. I know that eventually it'll go away, it always does. But my possible clients don't care about creative slumps.

This is what always gets me. I have this need to feel like I'm prepared for everything. Even if I'm not, I have to have enough of an idea of what's needed to feel comfortable to proceed ahead. And I 'm not comfortable. I know I don't have the resources for a start up financially, so I have to continue to work. I know that if I continue to work I will not be able to put in as many hours as I'd need to, to get prepared. I know that starting it could bring me more money and eliminate my only stress in life. But I'm not willing to risk the stability the job brings me now. I'm not a risk taker. While people on the outside may look at some of the things I've done as risks, I always had a plan. Whether I shared it or not, I had a plan. Maybe I'm not scared of success after all. Maybe I'm just becoming impatient with how long the planing has taken. I want to be in it now. And right now, I'm not ready. Maybe it is the fear that's causing my planing to take too long. Maybe the longer I continue to write this the more I'll be able to work out the maybes. Maybe not.